Making Things Happen with New York Ranger Legend Stéphane Matteau

SPEAKER_00 1:23

Hey everybody, we got Stefan Mateau on the show today. Everybody from New York and New Jersey is going Mateau, Mateau, Mateau. But those of you who don't know, he played over 800 games in the NHL. He is probably one of the, if not the most iconic moments in Rangers history. He will tell us today where he thinks that moment ranks. For those of you that are Rangers fans out there, but if you're not a Rangers fan, you're a hockey fan. Great episode today with him. We talk a lot about him as a hockey dad with his own kids and some of the mistakes he's made, some of the successes he's made. It was really powerful. He really opened up to us about his two children who both play professional hockey. And even how he's uh doing that with his grandkids now. So uh something to listen to as someone who's really kind of a New York hockey royalty. Um and then beyond that, we talked about uh, you know, what he's doing in the game right now with his book and his work with children to deal with anxiety and depression and how he's going from school to school, sending uh this message to these kids and how they respond to it. So really powerful episode with a really powerful person in hockey. Uh, I want to remind you, as always, to head over to our kidsplayhockey.com to check out our little section of gifts that we have for everybody. Also, if you haven't done so already, please give us a five-star review wherever you listen to this podcast. It really helps us out a lot, whether it's on Spotify, Apple, Google, or anywhere or anywhere in between. Means a lot. And above all, make sure you join our Facebook group, Our Kids Play Hockey. It's a private group, a couple yes or no questions. You jump right in. We kind of continue the conversations there and sometimes ask for episode advice or topics that you want to hear about. But without further ado, let's jump into the episode with former New York Ranger, Stefan Mateau. Here we go. Hello, hockey friends and families around the world, and welcome to another edition of Our Kids Play Hockey. I'm Lee Elias. I'm joined as always by my two line mates, Mike Benelli and Christy Cassiano Burns. Our guest today played over 800 regular seasoning games in the NHL for multiple teams, but his name has become synonymous with one of the most iconic moments in New York Rangers' history. That's a hint at who we're talking to. He is a proud father to his son, Stefan and daughter, Miss Allison. I was told to say that, both of whom play professional hockey, and he is the author of the new book, Make It Happen, which is available everywhere now. Ladies and gentlemen, please join us in welcoming Stefan Mateau to the show today. Stefan, welcome to our kids play hockey.

SPEAKER_04 3:34

What a beautiful introduction. Thank you very much. That's a good thing.

SPEAKER_00 3:38

We take pride in them. Yeah, we take pride in our introductions here, man.

SPEAKER_04 3:41

That was very good. Thank you. Thanks for having me. Thank you.

SPEAKER_00 3:45

No, it's a pleasure and an honor to have you. And I'll say that uh look, intro is for people like you write themselves, but it is fun to say them. But uh, Stefan, before we dive into what we want to talk today, I actually wanted to ask you about you as a hockey dad. I want to know what it's like to be on the other side of the glass. Yeah, again, you had a full NHL career, you're a Stanley Cup champion. Tell us about the challenges of being a hockey dad.

SPEAKER_04 4:06

Well, a hockey dad would play hockey for a living. That was a uh I thought I was gonna go in there and have a coffee and relax because I had a stressful job and I was told it the opposite. And I share that story a few times in my life that I grew up, my dad was really, really hard on me playing hockey. I was he was never satisfied with my production. He always wanted me to. So I thought it was pretty hard growing up. But they uh later on when I had kids on my own, I promised myself I'll never become that type of parent, not to uh how can I say I don't want to uh it's not on my my dad did his best uh raising me and he did a pretty good job. But I promised myself I was never gonna do it myself, so I end up maybe twice as bad as my dad and on my son's side. And I wish my son would have been on the show today, but to explain that I I was afraid that he was gonna go through exactly the same thing that I went through as a kid, I wanted him to skip all the uh the the hard uh the hard work that it takes. So I was hard on him, so and uh, but I was totally the opposite on my daughter's side. So uh I was a I I thought I was a good dad, but I if I could go back in time, which I can't, I would take it easy. But I to to answer your question, I was a hard dad. I wanted my son to be perfect and my daughter to be perfect.

SPEAKER_03 5:31

That's a good lesson for parents who are listening right now, because uh the tendency is you gotta be hard on them if you want to be good, but you're saying not necessarily.

SPEAKER_04 5:43

I'm I'm older now, I'm a grandfather, my son has two kids, and I've uh I would not my son was not he was he would not have become a better player or worse player if I would have been hard on him or soft on him. What I missed over the years to the parents who are watching and listening is I wasted so many quality times alone in a car with my son for hours and hours and hours for years. And I missed that, I regret that. And I've said he that's his time. Uh, even though I wanted him to be a professional, which he became a professional, he still played. He's in Germany, he was in Germany last year. Uh, I miss those times, so I regret that part of parenting. But if it's uh I will make it up with my grandson, and but to the parents out there. First of all, also it's hard to coach your own son. Uh, it's hard. I didn't trust a lot of parents go through the same thing. They don't trust the coaches out there. They they don't trust that they your your son, your daughter would not have the uh the proper ice time. And I want to, I was one of them also. I said, I'm gonna coach them. You're not gonna miss any shift. And so that was totally wrong. So uh to the parents out there, chill out, have a coffee, sit in the stands. And if it's too hard on you, don't come to the rink and stay in the car, and that's your son time, and that's his uh, because you're it's you cannot make it back. You cannot go back in time. And uh what the good experience is uh the best time when you are eight, nine, ten, fourteen years old playing hockey. That's the uh that's the that's the best time to play hockey because after that it becomes a job and it's not as fun. If it should be fun, but it's not always fun.

SPEAKER_01 7:28

Yeah, I think I think the pandemic the pandemic helped us with that too, right? Uh as parents of young kids, uh we were weren't allowed in the rink, you know, and and you had to drop your kid off and and and just hope it was going okay. And I think for the most part, the kids that were going to get through that got through it, and they and they probably flourished. I know as a coach in those ranks without parents, um, the atmosphere and the the tension and just the whole demeanor of the kids really did change. You could noticeably see, uh, especially the kids that you knew had hard parents, uh, you could really see their demeanor change and and just their their sense of um you know who they were playing for uh came out. And and at the end of the day, you know, your kids are obviously gifted athletes and and you know have God given talent uh to get where they need to get. And I think that and we talk about this on the show a lot, that your your kids are gonna get where they're gonna get. And and you can you can you can make the whole experience you know better? I mean, you just mentioned it. I mean, so let me ask you something real quickly, what was the difference with your daughter? Like what like did you say, okay, I'm gonna sit back and just let it all and and was the pressure because I mean let's be honest, right? Is the pressure because you're like, well, where's she really gonna go? Like, she's is she gonna play in the NHL? No. So does it does it is it because it didn't matter, or because you said, Oh, I just want her, I just want to really enjoy these different experiences with her.

SPEAKER_02 8:51

Right, or maybe you learned your lesson with your son.

SPEAKER_04 8:54

No, I learned my lesson over the years, but it was too, it was too late because they were gone. I was gone, they were gone, and they uh it's a very good question. Not I didn't I I really care about my daughter uh uh where she went. She went to uh Lake Plastic and Northwood, Northwood for two years, and then she signed with uh the Black Bears in Maine for four years. Uh but I it was two different personalities. My son, I I was kind of hard on him, and it it it took it. I kind of uh I was almost bullying him. Now I can use those words because in my program that I do in the last few years, that I those words I never would have never uh come up, but I was bullying him the way I was getting bullied by my coaches in the NHL and juniors and uh maybe not minor hockey, but uh my daughter right from the get-go, she kind of let me know and like if you are hard, like you're you're hard on my Steph Junior, I would quit hockey. And I she made a promise. So uh so I let her go and I trusted her, and it was two different worlds. So I was coaching her, but also I was not coaching her, and I've um I trusted both of them. I was too, but I was a two different parent uh with my daughter and with my son.

SPEAKER_02 10:09

That's interesting.

SPEAKER_04 10:10

But that's a good that's a good question. I care about my daughter, but I wanted I saw my son, I saw my son, like a lot of parents. I saw my son going through the NHL and having the perfect life and making all that money, and I wanted him to help him because I went through it over the years, but I wanted him to skip the hard time that I went through because I I didn't go the easy route. I had Pat Byrne as a coach for two years in juniors, he was really hard on me. Uh I had Alain Vignot for two years in juniors, he was really hard on me. I had Daryl Sutter in the National Ickey League for seven years, the craziest coach I ever had. And uh I had Mike Keenan for four different teams in the National League. So I never had, and it worked out because on my side, because I played 13 years in the National Ickey League. So without knowing it, I wanted to um sometime use that path because my son grew up in a very good environment. Uh not lazy, but he uh he took it easy at times, and I wanted him to be totally the opposite go hard, work hard, and uh success will come. But he uh I think he tested me a lot of times, and I think he deserved it now that I can talk about it. And uh, but they it's all good. I have a very good relationship with my son today, but we barely, very barely talked about hockey, which I should have done years ago.

SPEAKER_03 11:35

Very good. I uh that's that's fascinating. And then did your son have as much passion of wanting to pursue hockey as is his dream, or was it your dream pushing him back, or did were you both on the same page?

SPEAKER_04 11:51

Uh it's hard to measure, but I really believe he really wanted to be a hockey player because he grew up in the environment in the locker room with the Wayne, with the Wayne Gretzkys and the uh Vinidal Foos and Owen Nolan and Oloengo. So he grew that's his uh that's this is where he grew up, and he um he was drafted by the Devils at a very young age. He made the team uh as an 18-year-old playing on the same line, and Kovolchak is an 18-year-old. So uh he made it like it that there's not too many kids or players who make it at the eight, the age of 18. I started to play with so his passion, he would have never he didn't make it because just of his name, because he put a lot of effort into it, uh so many hours playing in a driveway in a uh at the park and at the at the range, just like we did. Uh, I think his passion, I was passionate about, I didn't, I was more passionate about the the discipline of the game, and uh try to teach him the discipline, the hard work, because I didn't do it on my side all the time. And even though I became a I was a successful hockey player for many years, I kind of took it easy, took it easy too many times, and I try to teach him not to take it easy. So it's uh but he sucked through me pretty quickly, and uh he tried to go through the same thing that that's what made me mad a few times, but he he was very passionate and he's still very passionate. He still plays overseas now, and he's passionate about the game, but also about his family.

SPEAKER_02 13:24

I always love hearing about these different journeys that everyone goes through. It that's just so intriguing. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 13:29

We have a ton of questions and we got to get in, and we're not gonna talk about your baseball success and why you didn't push her in baseball because it's such an easier sport for him to probably have played. But but uh I think uh, you know, I think winning uh a Little League World Series and all those kind of great things that you know your your life brought you, but um, you know, it is it is a great precautionary tale, right, for parents to just see, you know, look at your kids, feel what, you know, feel where that line might be to put we all talk about this a lot on the show. We do have to push um because nowadays too, it's even you, and you're probably gonna see it in your grandkids that it's easier to just do nothing and not be bored than to not push a little bit. And get you know, you gotta you still have to guide, but there's a point where you gotta say, okay, let's make it, let's make it a fun guide, as opposed to a stressful, you know, uh conflicting guide. And I think that's a fun place.

SPEAKER_04 14:25

Being at the rank all those weekends that I've growing up and my kids, it was a safe place, having friends and being one of the shy persons in the locker room growing up. Uh, I was it was my safe environment. And then uh uh when I'm what I'm afraid is when the parents are too hard, the kids will quit at some point. And that's the last thing you want you, uh your kids to uh to stop something that you love that they love. So uh there's a fine line, and uh uh we have to acknowledge it. That's why it's important to have those talks. And I didn't have all the answers, but now I'm I'm kind of away. My kids are gone now from home, and they I can teach some of the parents who are going through the same thing. They uh last thing also, they uh before we get to the next question, it's like I I heard a lot of parents say, Well, I spent so much money on you spending like all those weekends that you owe me an effort, you owe me to play as hard as possible because I spent five thousand dollars the last month or something, which is should be totally false. Like the your kid don't owe you anything, you do it because you're passionate, same way that your your son or your daughter is passionate about. You should not bring the money on the table every single time that your son is not performing.

SPEAKER_00 15:41

Yeah, Steph, I agree with you 100%. I've had parents ask me the ROI on hockey in terms of well, if they can get a scholarship or they can get to the pros. I said the ROI on hockey is your kid is learning life lessons that they can apply to their life period, whether it's in hockey or anything professionally. Steph, you brought something up earlier. The the coaches you named that you played for, if there was a hall of fame of tough NHL coaches from the turn of the century, it sounds like you played for almost all of them. Um, and it's amazing how you said, and I appreciate your vulnerability and the way you're discussing that you bullied your son and that you're okay saying that now. Um, you know, there's a lot of growth here that I want to dive into. Excuse me, you know, and and one of the things that I know you do a lot of work to help children um that live with anxiety and depression. Um, and again, we're kind of alluding to that, that this is something you've experienced. It's something that you might have delved on your own children, which you recognize now and you're using the language now to educate others. Where did the passion start or the realization start of I need to spread this message? Um, because you've been, again, you've been incredibly vulnerable with your own story there, which a lot of people have a hard time doing.

SPEAKER_04 16:48

Well, it's experience, it's pain, a lot of a life experience that I uh that that I lived over the years. I'm not ashamed. I'm not ashamed of my past. I have a lot of regrets, but I'm moving forward today. Like a lot of we should uh we should not live in the past. That's too many, but I can learn, I can teach what I've done, and I'm not ashamed of it. Uh, do I regret it? Of course I regret it. And but I've I I've decided in my life to move forward when I retired when I retired uh 20 years ago already, that I wasn't, I was at lost. No, I didn't know what to do with uh after my career. I own a travel agency, I didn't like it. I was a stick rep from the NHL, I didn't like it. Uh I own a few restaurant businesses, I didn't like it. And I started to do a school program in Pennsylvania, and my interest started to uh to my passion started to uh to develop right there. But I I was doing hockey schools in the past and I was very good with the kids, very, very patient, and I was totally the opposite what my father or I was experiencing with my kids. I'm very patient with other kids. And I've uh and my programs started with one school. Now I'm in about 15, 20, 30 schools in the Bronx, uh, Brooklyn, North Rockland. I'm I'm all over the place. So I'm very passionate what I do, but I've uh sharing my experience with those kids instead of bragging about the Lamborghini I don't have and the mention I don't have because a lot of kids are fashioned, fascinated about uh some of the athletes, what they portray, what they what they show on TV and stuff. And I try to teach them, it's not real. I try to teach them that we are normal people. We struggle with a lot of uh uh stuff that they're going through, the same thing. So my anxiety, I'm still I have a lot of anxiety going on out there, but I I can teach them uh some tricks to go away. Um low self-esteem. I'm still uh I'm still struggling with that. Uh, but I can teach them also that uh it's all right to be to uh to go through what you're going through. So my program is more of a kind of a group therapy where it's a setting of 20, 25 kids. Um I talk a little bit about my experience, but when the magic occurs, it's when the kids start talking to each other and give each other some tips how they cope and how they proceed uh with their with their um every single day of struggles.

SPEAKER_00 19:18

It's fascinating.

SPEAKER_03 19:20

Is that not enough kids talk about it, that they you know they're hard, they're hiding their inner feelings and they don't want to open up and share, they just don't have enough avenues.

SPEAKER_04 19:30

They uh that's a very good point, but that's why my program, I believe, uh I don't believe in seeing them only one time leaves an impact. I had my program, it's a four-day program. First day, everyone are nervous, not uh they don't take me seriously. I don't want to say that, but they don't know me. Second day, uh three weeks later, I go see them. They do a research on me, on my career, and some of my art articles are uh are are acceptable for acceptable for what's the word accessible, accessible, yeah. And those are big, that's a big word. I tried to you got it.

SPEAKER_03 20:08

You got it.

SPEAKER_04 20:08

Well, I didn't get it, but don't ask me to say that again. So they they have access to some of the articles in my uh on the web, and they uh so second time around, oh he trusts uh he cares about us, he's back, and the third time we play hockey with them, and then I become not as superstars in their schools, I become someone that cares, they can trust, and I go through classes, and then they I I see them four different times. So that's what I like about my program. They can trust me, and then I'm there for another group two, three weeks later for another session. So uh that's what I like about things about I like my program. I'm there, I'm present, and they uh the kids kind of uh they trust me after a while.

SPEAKER_03 20:52

And that's really important to build that trust because so many other programs, and I I've seen them in our schools, it's one and done, and you never see them again. We're here, you're fostering a relationship. And if the kids were nervous about coming to you at first, they know you're gonna be back in a couple of weeks and open up and and and be able to share with you what they made.

SPEAKER_04 21:13

I see a miracle first, like Thursday and the fourth day. I I bring that up. I said, Can you you remember first time I walk into your classroom and they say, Yeah, we were so nervous? I said, I was nervous also. But look at the transformation. Some of the kids, I make them speak, I make uh with my book. I don't have my book, I see Mike has it in his background. Uh, the kids read it, and I ask the kids, is how many of you are are nervous to speak in front of a class? So three-quarters of them. So I pick those kids to come in front and overcoming their fear because that was my biggest fear to speak in front of a crowd, whether it's 20, a thousand, or five thousand. I'm still struggling with that, but I teach them it's okay to be nervous, it's not okay to sit down and just uh hoping that you maybe let's do it, let's do it now, let's do it together. And uh it's a very powerful message, and that's a very powerful journey that those kids are. So at the end of the program, all of them spoke in front, all of them had a presentation in front of the group, and sometimes they bring their, we bring the parents, the grandparents, and they uh they talk about their person that inspires them in their lives, and the parents are in the classroom, and they kind of told they kind of talk to them directly, and it's very, very powerful. A lot of tears, a lot of smile, but a lot of tears, and the parents they over they uh they don't see them as they don't see them themselves as heroes, but when their kids are telling, my dad is my hero, he works three jobs and he inspires me, even though I don't see him often, he inspires me, and then everyone starts crying in the classroom. But it's very, very powerful.

SPEAKER_00 22:54

So that's a very good thing. Stefan, I I just want to give some quick context to our audience because we have a lot of young hockey parents out there. Uh, I'm not gonna dive into 1994, but I I need to let the parents understand that you're using words like I have I I have low self esteem, I have to push myself up there. I've dealt with this my whole life. This is a man that is part of one of the top part. Probably three most iconic moments in New York Rangers history.

SPEAKER_04 23:18

Tough one, tough one. Don't I knew you'd say that.

SPEAKER_00 23:21

I knew you'd say that. All right. Uh, this is a guy that probably doesn't have to pay for dinner if he goes into the city. All right. Um, and and most of us grew up watching that moment. It's one of the I mean you just said it. I mean, it's really at the top of the pyramid here. And he's saying that he experiences low self-esteem. I want to tell you how much I appreciate you doing that because I think that, you know, especially when we look at that team, there's a lot of glamour, there's a lot of of magic around it, but you're still human and you're saying that. I think it's so important that our audience and the parents understand that because again, when you look at it on the TV or you were there in person, it it that's not what we talk about, right? I mean, you found a way to get through it. So I think it's such a big deal that you're on here saying that I still experience that. You know, we've talked about this before about like imposter syndrome. We all experience it. It doesn't really ever go away, right? But the power of you telling children, and this is such a power that we need to teach our kids of do you feel fear? Sorry, that was a little bit of a tongue twister. Good, feel it. Let's come up to the class and face that fear. That is such a I'm gonna equate it to hockey. It's more of a life thing, but it's such an important skill set at a young age of not to fear failure and to understand that that can be your ally, right? If it's done the right way. And and your book, uh Make It Happen, which is called again. Mike, Mike has it right there. Uh, we were paging through it. It it's fantastic. Um, it really is a guide for kids. Uh, it's a good-looking book, too, of how you overcame this, or I should say overcoming it, right? Yep, it's still part of your who you are and how they can too. And the mental fitness of young athletes and young people is so important. It has been neglected for really most of the time period our species has existed. We're just now coming to the understanding that this is just as important as lifting weights or working out or going to practice. So, you know, this is turning into a question, but I I want to I want you to talk about make it happen a little bit because it really is a guide for young athletes on their journey, right? When it went into making that book, where can people find the book too, obviously? Because it it really is great.

SPEAKER_04 25:27

Yeah, thank you, thank you very much. Those are that's what I see myself, and I I like I said earlier, I don't I don't want to live in the past, but sometimes you're tired. Um, sometime not only kids, adults, we all go through that. Like uh if you are experiencing some stuff, some difficult times in your life, it's too easy to go back in what you did wrong in your past, and then you can beat yourself up over and over and over. And a lot of people go through depression. I have uh I kind of self, I kind of get myself out of it by by playing sports or just waking up the next morning. Let's have a good day. But that day that I went through some tough times, and a lot of people can relate to that. Uh you can beat yourself up as much as, but we in that book I give them tools, I give them uh it's pretty much my life in a 30-page, 40 pages, and just like uh I wrote the book with the some of the help of my some of the principals in the Bronx, and uh some of the keywords, the anxiety attacks that people go through, uh, low self-esteem, bullying, all those kids, even today, 2023, people are going it, they're going through the same routine every single day. So I try to teach them it's okay, it's okay to be nervous before a tournament. It's okay to be afraid. You're playing the best team in the uh New York state or Michigan state that you are there undefeated, afraid to lose, afraid to be humiliated in front of your parents, it's okay. But most of the time you end up playing the game and you realize, oh well, it wasn't that bad, or my teammates bail me out, or uh, or we only lost three nothing, it's okay. Uh, sometimes you lose 25-nothing, it's okay also as long as I try to teach, as long as you did your best, not only for that day, but for the week before, three weeks before, do you come to practice and cheat yourself? Only yourself know that. A lot of coaches we know which kids can be cheating the system, but we see them. Uh where we have enough experience to see who's the who goes through the motion, and then they cry about not performing in the game. Uh, try to teach them, do your best and come out. You whatever, whatever the result is at the end, you'll be able to come out with your head up, which is hard because deception, losing a big game, a big tournament, it's not always the easiest thing. But as long as you did your best, uh, how long is it gonna take? Uh you're gonna dwell on it, cope on it. It's it's uh when I when I was their age, 14 years old, that would take me two, three, four days to uh to get away from it. Now I try to take the hour, two hours, and then have a meal with your parents, your brothers and sisters, and just uh all right, let's work for the next goal that we we set uh during the season.

SPEAKER_00 28:23

Something you had said earlier that I want to tap on. You talked about staying present as part of your your plan nowadays, right? Um, so this is kind of a two-part question. You mentioned it before, you can't live in the past, you can't live in the future. I find that a lot of anxiety that people feel is is living in one of those two spaces. It's reviewing the past or something that hasn't happened yet, and really the present moment is our only reality. So, what are the ways that you practice staying present? And maybe can you explain what being present means to you, to the audience?

SPEAKER_04 28:55

Well, I use this a lot. The uh lately I use the TikTok or Instagram, and I kind of followed the Kobe Bryant, one of my favorite personality, uh one of Shaq O'Neill, one of the most inspiring persons, Michael Jordan, Tiger Woods. Uh, they're not the greatest person. What I like about it, they're the greatest athletes of our generation of our time, but also the message they have. They all fail, they all add anxiety when I'm going through, but they the message they because they're talking to me directly, live the moment. If you start thinking about, I scored a goal in 1994, it took me 53 games to score my next playoff goal. That's seven years. If I start thinking about the seven years, I can beat myself up and be depressed. Uh, if I start thinking about in a month, what's gonna happen? Uh, as an example, I went skydiving a few years ago. Uh, I paid my uh my experience a week before, and I was I live in the future, I live in that one week forward thinking I'm gonna overcome my biggest fear, which is height. I lost seven pounds, eight pounds in that week. I didn't sleep, I didn't eat, I didn't have a relationship with anyone else around because I was focusing on the future, and uh that was a crazy time. Will Smith had a video of that when he when he skydived years ago, and I totally lived that moment. After the parachute opened, I said, Well, I get myself sick to my stomach for a week just for that moment. I stopped living, and I've uh that's why all those experiences, all the person people that I'm I'm following, it's the same message. Live the moment. Like today, I'm on a Zoom call. I really appreciate my time. Uh, I don't I don't think about tomorrow, I don't think about yesterday. Uh, I live the moment, I have a smile on my face, I'm moving forward, I'm looking forward for uh the outcomes uh of that podcast, but it's still in the future, as it's out of my control. But they uh I mean I'm very present to them, happy to be on the Zoom call. That's right, that's it's I'm not it's not perfect in my life, but ever since I try to live that every single day, I'm a happier person. My surrounding sees that, my kids sees that, my fiance sees that. I said, Well, you're present, you are uh you're more fun to be around, but when I try to go away from it, I'm a different person. So I try to be as present as possible.

SPEAKER_00 31:31

I think that's such great advice, Stefan. I'll tell you.

SPEAKER_03 31:35

What kind of rewards have you gotten from writing that book? And what have you heard from people who've read it and who've said this resonates with me?

SPEAKER_04 31:46

Um, the book helps the kids, they listen to, they they read it, but the reward that I have is sharing my experience with some of the parents. I did some seminar, I don't know if I was with Mike. Uh I did a seminar in Brewster and two or three, I did one in Chicago also. The parents came behind because they didn't want to say, Well, I'm one of you, I was one of you, uh I was bullying my kids. So they waited for the meeting to be over after me sharing my story, and they came in and hugged me, and then they started crying. I said, I'm sorry, because no, no, just express yourself, what's going on? As well, I'm one of those parents who are very hard on their kids. The two, three hour ride sometime home, it's there's a voice, there's a voice on my left shoulder says, keep your mouth shut, just like keep it quiet, and the other one just keeps telling me, just like go for it, abuse him, and then be uh be hard on my son, and just anyway. The parents, some of the parents came up to me after me experience uh sharing my story. So I think by talking, having a Zoom like this, can we can not everyone can relate to it, but I'm sure a lot of people can relate a little bit in uh in the 50 minutes that we are talking today.

SPEAKER_00 33:00

I think a big key to your point to being present is hearing that over and over again, that message, because to become conscious to that is really the first step. Um, you know, whenever we talk about present moment awareness, a lot of people like, you know, I've got that, I've got that. I'm well. You know, it's something you have to kind of continually become conscious to. Uh, and you said it before, you're still practicing it. You know, there really is no perfection when it comes to being present. Your mind is wired to wander, right? But like most things in sport, right? If you practice, you get better and better and better to the point you can feel your brain start to wander and you can kind of grab it and say, No, I'm I'm here right now. Like you said on the on the Zoom right now. I've said that on this show. I love my kids so much, but I'm with you right now. I'm with Christy and Mike right now. This is this is my present moment. Uh, I think it's so important that as coaches and as parents, we help our kids learn how to do this, which you're doing. I think another misnomer is well, kids can't learn that or kids have a hard time with that. Kids are better at it than adults, if you want to be really honest about it, right? I think the more uh work we can do, like you're doing, Stefan, to help our kids become present, to help them understand their emotions, to help them understand that failure is a natural part of life. One of the things Kobe said that I love, he always goes, What is failure? Like, what is it? What does it even mean? Right? It's it's you wake up tomorrow and you keep going. You're gonna learn, right? And we always say on the show, if you want to win big, you have to risk losing big. When we talk to youth athletes, I've said to them before that, you know, I'll ask who's afraid before a big game. I always love that one. And you know, the most of them will raise their hand. I'll raise my hand, right? I said, here's the funny thing we don't say to our kids, you're afraid because you care. You're afraid because you care. You you love this. Isn't that a great thing? Right. And it's you can see the polarity of it flip when you do that to these kids. Like you're supposed to feel something, right? It's a if you didn't care, we wouldn't be here, right? So these are all messages that we can share with with young adults. And Stefan, I'm gonna kind of throw that back to you of like to the parents and the coaches listening, right? Because we know the work you do with the kids. So the parents and the coaches, what is your actionable items? What is your quick advice to them, which you've given much, many, much advice today to them? You know, if they were gonna leave the show with one thing about how they coach repair their kids, what would you want that to be?

SPEAKER_04 35:14

Well, first I want to thank them because coaching and be uh uh it takes a lot of effort, a lot of times for the parents and the coaches to be out there. It's not like we're not pounding on you guys to uh to quit what you're doing. Like what you're doing, it's your but listening to us and listening to my experience and uh everyone's experience. It's it's a fun game, it's a fun environment. And I would say stop. One of the advice would be stop and find uh putting let's we need to win the finishing first, it's the most important thing, and otherwise it's a failure. I think doing your best, the process of the month of working, and you have to evaluate your team, your kids, and where they were, where they started, who can emphasize uh where they at in the month, two months, and that that's a process, that's a progress and everything. So I would say it's a game. Take it seriously. I'm a very competitor, even though I've been trying to act like I'm a god today, like I uh I'm such a good guy. I'm very uh I'm very competitive. If I if I'd be coaching a team, I would go as hard as possible, but I would not put my best line uh on the last 30 seconds of the game. If I know that's one of those things that uh uh I would put the team or the second or third line out there, even though I want to win. Just uh I know I'm all over the place at times when I speak, but they uh it's a process, it's a fun time, and don't waste time just on the little things.

SPEAKER_00 36:48

Now Mike always says it perfectly is if I selected you to play on my team, I've selected you to play on my team. Absolutely, right? And I I I've always admired Mike for that um as one of the things he says. Now, and you're not all over the place. These all make sense to me uh and and Mike and Christy here. Um I have to ask one question. So, Stefano, full disclosure, I grew up in Philadelphia, I grew up a Flyers fan. Um, so the Devils and the Rangers are close to me, but I've got a lot of Ranger and Devils fans that's friends, and they're gonna kill me if I don't ask one question about 1994. But in true fashion of the show, I'm not gonna ask a generic question that everybody always asks you. So obviously, 1994 is well documented. There's a magic surrounding that team. What I want to know is what is something about that magic? What is something about that team that no one ever asks about that you know was part of fusing that team together to go on to win the Stanley Cup, right? Because again, on the surface, on the TV, we see all of it. But there's stuff so much that happens we don't see, especially in the 90s. Tell me something no one knows about that team that is a real reason that you bonded and got through to the the promised land.

SPEAKER_04 37:53

Well, winning solve a lot of problems. Like you can be on the best team, lose. Uh, but to your question is the respect among teammates that we have. When I scored, Glenn uh Graves was one of the first guys to jump on me. Uh Booker Boom Larmer, and then uh Messier and Glenn Andrew, and all of them started to there was no jealousy, uh, the respect, there was no uh there was no jabbing. Uh I like to tell people when I was in I was 24 years old in '94 going in, I would grab my coffee and I could not wait to go sit down and be in that positive environment. Uh it was respect. We had a lot of fun, but the uh the respect that we had amongst the trainers, uh the coaches, uh, the fans, Messier and Kevin Lowe's and those guys, Graves, they kept telling you gotta respect those the fans who are waiting in line for hours and hours. Just don't walk by them. I learned that from Adam Graves the last 20 years. Um, Adam signed maybe 600,000 times the same person, but he knows the person's name, he knows the person's wife and kids and and the people who works at Madison Square Garden. So, what people what I would take away on the 94 play teams, it's the respect. And I'm so proud to say I'm part of the uh a championship team, but also a part of a group who cares for another. And when the time when we're down three to two against the Devils, or we play game seven at the Garden against the Devils, or game seven against the Vancouver Canucks, it's the respect and the caring about each other that will made us successful.

SPEAKER_00 39:34

We we talk about it all the time on the show, how there's so much beyond talent that will make a team successful. If you're at the NHL level, everyone's talented, right? But it's these little extra things that we don't talk about. And you said it's not even just respect in the locker room, it's respect for the fans. I I know our listeners love hearing that, uh, but it's true, right? Uh, you know, these are top quality people you're talking about in that locker room. And you said it too. There's no jealousy. I'm sure there's people listening to the show that can can attest that you know they felt that for their own kid or another kid at different times. You know, the ability to develop that respect, that team bond, that cohesiveness is essential if you want to win. And and you know, keeping in mind only one team wins. The other thing you brought up, um, and this is kind of making it come full circle. And then Christy and Mike, I'll throw it to you to close. Um, you talked about the coaches you had had. And I think that in the 80s and 90s and early turn of the century, there's a lot of power of negative persuasion um in coaching. And I think that in recent years, especially recent years, we've we've seen that flip to positive. In fact, there's an article out right now talking about uh the coaches in the final and Paul Maurice and how they're very positive people. Um and you can go back and look at the lightning and look at the avalanche, the coaches, they're very positive people. And there's this common fear, and Stefan, I'd love for you to talk about this from parents and coaches that if I don't scare the kids, they won't try as hard. And I think that's BS. All right. I think you can motivate a kid equally with positive motivation than you can it with negative motivation. It's not limited to make them feel fear and they'll skate harder. Do you want to talk about that for a few seconds?

SPEAKER_04 41:07

We have responsibility as parents, coaches, to have a positive environment. Um, it's weird that you said that. I was listening to NHL Network this morning on the way to school, and they were talking about Paul Maurice and uh Cassidy, how positive they they are. And uh the top four, the the last four coaches in the comp the last two conference final, uh, two other coaches, they were very positive. Uh J.R. Galand did a very good job with the Rangers. He was very positive. Winning solved a lot of problems. You know, Paul Maurice is uh he's doing a very good job. He's one of the best interviewers I've seen in hockey. Cassidy's doing a very good job. But look at uh my ex-coach Daryl Sutter, he's totally the opposite. He kind of used a negative, he had he had a lot of success also. He won two Stanley Cup with the uh the Kings. And I had him in San Jose for five years. He was really hard on us, and uh, but the fact is that we could not beat the Colorado Avalanche, the Dallas Stars, or the Red Wings. And uh, but today's world, you see guys having iPads, you see the coaches going through some of the plays. Uh, I know they're they're unhappy when they lose, but they don't, I don't think they drag it as long as they did in the past. So that's uh us coaches, we have an it's more it's more pleasant for the parents, the kids going to an environment. It's like that at school also. If you know you're gonna go through the door, it's gonna be a black cloud. You don't want to go work for them. And fear will not take fear will crush you down when the tough times occur because they will occur. And being positive, a lot of times you'll see a positive outcome out there.

SPEAKER_00 42:47

It's beautiful. I agree with you totally. Mike Christie, anything final thoughts before we go.

SPEAKER_03 42:52

I just um, you know, your message is so important, especially now. I I don't know what's going on with kids and you know, in schools, but I mean, we're seeing more and more kids struggle, uh, very um a lot of difficulties in their lives. So this message is such an important one, and you're delivering it at just the right time. So thank you for that.

SPEAKER_04 43:15

Thank you. I appreciate it. Thank you.

SPEAKER_01 43:19

And I would say just based on you know being on the call with all these authors now is very uh intimidating.

SPEAKER_00 43:23

But I think I think you know, we're gonna write a book, Mike. Don't worry.

SPEAKER_01 43:26

Between Lily and uh and Christy, you know, Stefan, I know I share their book uh to all these youth hockey organizations I work with as you know, that's my end-of-the-year gift, that's my you know, Christmas present, that's my, you know, instead of a medal around their neck, you know, they get to say something. So I think, you know, definitely anybody listening, you know, we'll we'll post some, you know, the links to get to this. But this is it's not a book just to have, just like Christy and Lee's books. It's not a book just to, you know, kind of have laying around. It's a book you can read with your kids, read as teammates. You probably don't have to have Steph there all the time, but he's there in the you know, in the lesson planning. And I think the way you can use the book as a as a stepping stone for your team, uh, I I know I use it as a whole part of team building. And, you know, again, we're we're a hockey podcast. We deal with hockey players. Um, and it's certainly something I think every parent should bring up to their coaching staff and say, hey, listen, what a great other way we could grow as a team if we go through this book together um with our elementary school kids and middle school kids uh because the stories will resonate and we talk about it all the time. They're gonna resonate because it's hockey and we can all speak the same language. But no, I commend you on the book and and certainly what you're doing um down in the Bronx in New York City, and uh look forward to watching this uh become more successful every day. Appreciate it. Thank you.

SPEAKER_00 44:44

So we know Steph's uh that's our time. Steph's gotta have lunch, and we don't want to not have his lunch today. So we appreciate you joining us. He's at a school right now. Stefan Mateau on Our Kids Play Hockey for Christy Cassiano Burns, Mike Benelli. I'm Leah Elias. Thank you so much, everyone, for listening. Stefan, thank you for being here today. Uh we're gonna make sure we put some links on our website for you. Head over to our kidsplayhockey command.

SPEAKER_04 45:09

Thank you guys.

SPEAKER_00 45:09

Thank you. Appreciate it. All right, we'll see you next time on our kids play hockey. Have a great week, everybody. We hope you enjoyed this edition of Our Kids Play Hockey. Make sure to like and subscribe right now if you found value wherever you're listening, whether it's a podcast network, a social media network, or our website, our kidsplayhockey.com. Also, make sure to check out our children's book, When Hockey Stops, at When Hockey Stops.com. It's a book that helps children deal with adversity in the game and in life. We're very proud of it. Thanks so much for listening to this edition of Our Kids Play Hockey, and we'll see you on the next episode.