Dec. 2, 2023

Monday Morning Coaching - Parental Influence In Youth Hockey

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Season 1 Our Kids Play Hockey

Who says parents can't play a crucial role in youth sports? With the right tools and mindset, you can navigate the complicated role of being a "Monday morning coach," thereby nurturing your young hockey player's skills and craft in the process. This episode is brimming with insights, anecdotes, and practical advice on how to balance parental input and trust in the coaching staff; we promise to equip you with valuable tools to make this journey smoother.

Being a parent of a young athlete comes with its own set of difficulties, but it all boils down to effective communication and managing expectations. We delve into the importance of understanding your child's team's mission statement and the coach's tactics, discussing how these factors can impact your perception and expectations. It's crucial to remember that while it can be tempting to offer advice, we must trust our coaches' judgement and allow them to lead the team, limiting our input to safeguard the team's harmony.

Finally, we take the conversation a step further by discussing the potential negative impact of overbearing parental involvement.  It's time we realized the fine line between being supportive and overbearing—yes, your involvement matters, but it's your child's game at the end of the day. 

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00:51 - Monday Morning Parent Coach Role Navigation

10:57 - Youth Hockey Coaching and Parental Perspective

18:57 - The Importance of Coachability and Communication

28:33 - Challenges of Coaching and Parental Opinions

34:20 - Parental Involvement in Youth Sports Impact

40:33 - Youth Hockey Communication and Opinions

WEBVTT

00:00:07.990 --> 00:00:21.690
Got another question from an audience member today and it is one of the best questions we've ever gotten here from, from Michael out in Arizona, and the question basically is what do you do when you're a Monday morning coach as a fan, right?

00:00:21.690 --> 00:00:27.707
What do you do when you're the dad or the mom of a player on the team and you have an opinion and you want to share that with the coaching staff?

00:00:27.707 --> 00:00:30.969
We try our best to answer that question today.

00:00:30.969 --> 00:00:34.280
So you're going to hear the audio in a minute from Michael and his question.

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I want to encourage all of you if you have questions that you want us to answer, feel free to record a little bit of a voicemail.

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Send it over to us at team at our KidsPlayHockey.

00:00:41.970 --> 00:00:45.521
We love getting questions from you and I say it all the time.

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We have plenty of topics we can talk about, but at the end of the day, this is your show.

00:00:48.865 --> 00:00:50.606
We want to answer the questions that you have.

00:00:50.606 --> 00:01:02.667
So again today we're answering the Monday morning parent's question of what do you do when you want to tell the coaching staff that you think you know have some tips or you want to talk to them about the team this year to maybe make them better?

00:01:02.667 --> 00:01:03.551
That answer is coming up.

00:01:03.551 --> 00:01:07.691
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00:01:07.691 --> 00:01:14.825
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00:01:28.644 --> 00:01:29.596
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00:01:29.596 --> 00:01:36.626
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00:01:36.626 --> 00:01:42.543
But without further ado, let's hear from Michael in Arizona and his fabulous question for us this week on our Kids Play Hot.

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Hey guys, I'm Michael calling from Arizona.

00:01:48.924 --> 00:01:53.993
First time caller, first time listener.

00:01:53.993 --> 00:01:58.349
My question for you is regarding Monday morning coaches.

00:01:58.349 --> 00:02:34.451
I tend to be not would call a helicopter parent per se, but certainly Monday morning coach never played hockey, have enjoyed the game for a long time, at least as far as a fan goes, but as a parent, I definitely, definitely have a lot of thoughts about things that I see on the ice that should be coordinated differently, done differently practice, the way that practices are coordinated and run, versus the issues that show up on game day.

00:02:34.451 --> 00:02:39.450
And my question for all of you is what's the healthy dose, right?

00:02:39.450 --> 00:02:59.968
What's the healthy dose between being a parent that provides input to the coaching staff and crossing that line where, all of a sudden, you think that you're actually more knowledgeable about the game than the actual people that have played the game and that have invested their time, energy and effort as coaches?

00:02:59.968 --> 00:03:04.752
I do believe that there is a balance between the two.

00:03:04.752 --> 00:03:16.211
I think that there is certainly an opportunity for parents to provide coaches with input simply because, just like coaches, we're there at the rink all the time with our kids.

00:03:16.211 --> 00:03:19.406
But my question for you is is that healthy?

00:03:19.406 --> 00:03:20.909
Is it healthy?

00:03:20.909 --> 00:03:25.106
Is it good for club?

00:03:25.106 --> 00:03:45.969
Is there, should there be a platform where parents can interact consistently with coaches to provide feedback as far as some of the things that we see and witness during practice, during games, that we believe can make the team more successful?

00:03:45.969 --> 00:03:47.703
Thank you very much for taking my call.

00:03:47.703 --> 00:03:49.045
God bless, bye, bye.

00:03:49.187 --> 00:03:50.610
Yeah, so I could have called that in.

00:03:50.610 --> 00:03:55.150
I'm Monday Morning Coach, I think, for a lot of my kids' programs.

00:03:57.163 --> 00:03:59.468
This is why we record episodes on Monday mornings, I think.

00:04:01.181 --> 00:04:02.566
I am definitely a Monday Morning Coach.

00:04:02.566 --> 00:04:11.593
Yeah, it's a tough question because there's so much in there that is positive and scary.

00:04:11.593 --> 00:04:15.770
I think there's a lot in there that we all have the same anxiety.

00:04:15.770 --> 00:04:17.244
We're in a youth hockey world.

00:04:17.244 --> 00:04:31.067
I'm assuming this guy's son he's not playing for the San Jose Sharks, he's not a dad of a pro hockey player saying, how come my kids not playing, my guy's not playing more in his contract than this?

00:04:31.067 --> 00:04:35.447
This is like the parent of a 12-year-old Could be a parent of an 8-year-old, right 6-year-old.

00:04:35.447 --> 00:04:37.600
All of us are in the same boat.

00:04:37.600 --> 00:04:39.502
We're parents, we love our children.

00:04:39.502 --> 00:04:53.781
We see from the lens of our kid Like we just see our child and maybe our friends' kids, but it is.

00:04:53.781 --> 00:04:55.769
It's a very difficult situation.

00:04:55.769 --> 00:05:05.730
So I think we could break down in the episode today a lot of strategies around this, right, but I don't think there's a hard and fast answer because there's so many variables to.

00:05:05.730 --> 00:05:14.072
I mean, I think one of the things that got my ear a little bit was well, I'm a parent that didn't play hockey but I'm depending on.

00:05:14.072 --> 00:05:19.786
I think I might be more knowledgeable than the person who played hockey and you may in fact, be right.

00:05:19.786 --> 00:05:30.060
I mean, just because somebody played the sport and can say well, I was the captain of my high school team and therefore I should be able to coach this 12-view team successfully.

00:05:30.060 --> 00:05:31.966
That isn't always the case.

00:05:31.966 --> 00:05:34.026
That's not a hard and fast rule.

00:05:34.026 --> 00:05:40.702
Like again, I never played lacrosse growing up, but I guarantee I'm a better lacrosse coach than 90% of lacrosse coaches.

00:05:40.702 --> 00:05:41.384
I work with Right.

00:05:41.384 --> 00:05:41.925
Played it.

00:05:41.925 --> 00:05:43.187
I played division one lacrosse.

00:05:43.187 --> 00:05:46.982
I just am, I'm better and I think that.

00:05:46.982 --> 00:05:53.387
So it's just just when we see this, it's like okay, well, it's a really good way to dive in.

00:05:53.387 --> 00:06:18.547
And I think there's so many different silos of just this one conversation, which probably happens on the text message chains at work every morning, right, the 50 parents that get on the text message chain and it just starts Well, basically this happens to all of the parents, that on Monday morning, hundreds of thousands of parents around the world right now going back and forth and zipping each other about what went well, what didn't go well.

00:06:18.547 --> 00:06:22.483
And that's where we're at Right, and it's going to happen all the time.

00:06:22.483 --> 00:06:24.793
And it's going to happen at the pro level.

00:06:24.793 --> 00:06:31.591
It happens at betters and you know why that person, you know, kick a field goal in the last you know second play.

00:06:31.591 --> 00:06:33.021
So I think it's just.

00:06:33.021 --> 00:06:34.485
This is something that affects all of us.

00:06:35.369 --> 00:06:35.970
Yeah, absolutely.

00:06:35.970 --> 00:06:39.711
And again, michael from Arizona, great, great question.

00:06:39.711 --> 00:06:50.170
But it is absolutely a complete Pandora's box you've opened, which is which is the best possible thing that could happen for us as hosts, mike, because we can really discuss this and make a strong episode about it.

00:06:50.170 --> 00:06:58.307
I'll kind of talk from my own experience first, because I'm kind of experiencing this a bit right now, and let me paint the situation.

00:06:58.307 --> 00:07:02.889
So my son is on a 10 U team that's doing very well.

00:07:02.889 --> 00:07:08.846
Everyone listening is no, all of you listening know I coach, right, so I see a lot of stuff.

00:07:08.846 --> 00:07:13.603
Now I am not on the coaching staff for this team, okay, so this is how I approach that.

00:07:13.603 --> 00:07:21.740
Every game I see things that you know are criticisms, good things that I, I my mind, inevitably goes well.

00:07:21.740 --> 00:07:35.889
If I was coaching, this is what I would do, but it's a huge but I have to give those coaches the respect of being coaches and, largely almost all the time, keep my mouth shut and keep it to myself.

00:07:35.889 --> 00:07:44.165
Now, on top of that and this is another part of it, mike, that you alluded to parents will ask me what do you think about this?

00:07:44.165 --> 00:07:45.730
What do you think?

00:07:45.730 --> 00:07:47.197
What would you do in that situation?

00:07:47.197 --> 00:07:55.211
And I have to be very careful to make sure that I don't accidentally usurp or go against the coaching staff.

00:07:55.312 --> 00:07:55.853
It's hard.

00:07:56.074 --> 00:08:02.404
Yeah, and the thing is this it's a respect thing, all right, and I also usually follow those questions up, like they're doing a great job.

00:08:02.404 --> 00:08:05.839
They're doing a great job, like I'm not in the locker room, I don't know what they're seeing.

00:08:05.839 --> 00:08:19.350
But, michael, my first thing is this if a coaching staff has not asked you for your opinion, do not give it to them, and I know that's really hard to say All right and really hard to do.

00:08:19.350 --> 00:08:28.519
It's going to create more problems if you do and you're not invited to than if you do it, and even if you're right Now.

00:08:28.519 --> 00:08:31.908
With that said, if a coaching staff comes up to you and says hey, what do you think?

00:08:31.908 --> 00:08:32.870
What do you think we can do better?

00:08:32.870 --> 00:08:36.158
Yeah, I think that's going to happen, okay.

00:08:36.961 --> 00:08:37.121
Right.

00:08:37.121 --> 00:08:43.889
So let's step back and go through that process of what we've talked about a lot and this sounds like a new listener and it's great.

00:08:43.889 --> 00:08:46.147
I mean we love the more new listeners, the better.

00:08:46.147 --> 00:08:47.942
But let's go back some.

00:08:47.942 --> 00:08:50.009
Let's go back in time a little bit to some episodes, right?

00:08:50.009 --> 00:08:50.740
What are the?

00:08:50.740 --> 00:08:56.086
Some of the pitfalls that we can avoid being in because of this is a number of things we strategize about all the time.

00:08:56.086 --> 00:08:59.668
Number one pick the program you feel is best for your kid.

00:08:59.668 --> 00:09:06.951
If you've done that, if you've done that ahead of time, if you've done your homework ahead of time, and you know, listen, I'm trusting in the coaching staff.

00:09:06.951 --> 00:09:07.312
That's here.

00:09:07.312 --> 00:09:08.303
I've done my research.

00:09:08.303 --> 00:09:11.792
I've heard from other families like these coaches.

00:09:11.792 --> 00:09:14.764
Most coaches don't just appear for the first time in 12U.

00:09:14.764 --> 00:09:18.548
They've either come through the system or they came from a different program.

00:09:18.548 --> 00:09:25.884
It's very, it's very unlikely that the person just this is my first time I'm going to coach, so do your research.

00:09:25.884 --> 00:09:35.909
That's one strategy we've talked about a number of times and we can link up those episodes and just think about do your research on the program, know the program, know the staff and know the philosophy of that staff.

00:09:35.909 --> 00:09:36.640
Number one.

00:09:36.640 --> 00:09:41.130
Number two have as your and this is maybe for coaches more than parents.

00:09:41.130 --> 00:09:43.605
Have you been a part of a mission statement workshop?

00:09:43.605 --> 00:10:11.402
Have you sat down with your parents at the beginning of the year and told everyone this is your philosophy, this is how you work, this is my open door policy, or my closed door policy, and this is where you, as a parent and this is protecting the coaches this is that you, as a coach, can help your parents collaborate on what your mission is that year and they can be a part of the process so that when these things do come up, there's a checklist in their head.

00:10:11.402 --> 00:10:14.123
This weekend, my kid didn't.

00:10:14.123 --> 00:10:16.250
That kid got 18 minutes of ice time.

00:10:16.250 --> 00:10:17.364
My kid got 16.

00:10:17.364 --> 00:10:18.904
I'm going to make us think about it.

00:10:18.904 --> 00:10:26.190
Well, let's go back to the mission statement and let's go back to talking about on any given weekend, your kid might get 23 minutes and this kid might get eight.

00:10:26.190 --> 00:10:29.188
So it all is going to even out most of the time.

00:10:29.188 --> 00:10:39.847
Now, let's say it very rarely doesn't, but if you never had that conversation and it wasn't a part of the ecosystem of the program, this is when we get anxiety, right.

00:10:40.220 --> 00:10:40.682
So that this.

00:10:40.902 --> 00:10:49.222
so there's a couple of different strategies there Mission statement, workshop, parents on board, understanding your program, researching what you want and I think to your point, Lee.

00:10:49.222 --> 00:11:14.510
The other part is you've got to look at yourself and your family and your child, whoever's playing the game, and weigh the cost of undermining the coach that alienates your kid from the team to shut your mouth and eat it up and teach in a different way about things that you're frustrated about and how you can manage through those.

00:11:15.011 --> 00:11:23.409
Right, and let me, let me dive in here too, and I'm going to keep using my own situation, sorry, there's a few things that I go down the list, right?

00:11:23.409 --> 00:11:30.871
So, strategy tactics aside, the first thing I ask myself is does this coach, does this coaching staff care about my kid?

00:11:30.871 --> 00:11:35.248
And in my situation they clearly do, like they clearly want the best for my kid.

00:11:35.248 --> 00:11:37.727
I can live with that, no matter what I see.

00:11:37.727 --> 00:11:45.966
So I think that that's the first question we have to ask ourselves is is this coach there really care about these kids, or is he there to coach and that's to further his own agenda?

00:11:45.966 --> 00:11:49.070
I'd say most youth coaches are there and they care about the kids.

00:11:49.070 --> 00:11:51.346
Let's just kind of make that layman right now.

00:11:51.346 --> 00:11:56.427
The second thing I look at is this and you got to be curious a little bit, right?

00:11:56.427 --> 00:12:08.629
So when I watch a game, I see a lot of things, but I also have to remind myself look, it's a, it's a 10 U team or it's a 12 U team and it practices, because Michael brought up the practices versus gameplay.

00:12:08.629 --> 00:12:13.750
Well, fundamentals are more important than strategy in some cases at that age level.

00:12:13.750 --> 00:12:14.490
Right, they get.

00:12:14.490 --> 00:12:15.393
Depends on where you're at.

00:12:15.393 --> 00:12:20.600
If it's U18, it's a different conversation, right, but you know they may be working things at practice Like.

00:12:20.600 --> 00:12:29.505
I'll give you a good example, right, I've seen, I've seen my son's team do ridiculous amount of skating when I know they need to work on something tactical.

00:12:29.505 --> 00:12:31.846
Well, at his age, that is correct.

00:12:31.846 --> 00:12:32.989
That is correct.

00:12:32.989 --> 00:12:37.150
Skating is more important right now than the tactical side of things.

00:12:37.150 --> 00:12:41.974
Now it's on the coach to balance that, and I'm not sure how much of that's even in his control.

00:12:41.974 --> 00:12:52.825
When you look at the USA hockey development model and things that they have to do quote unquote right, but the kids learning to be better skaters is actually more important than them understanding some of the tactics.

00:12:52.825 --> 00:12:55.366
I'm not saying tactics are not important.

00:12:55.366 --> 00:13:03.985
Please don't ever anybody take that away, but that's what I'm saying is I have to also weigh in my mind, okay, well, how much of this stuff really is?

00:13:03.985 --> 00:13:10.904
Is I want to see them do better on this, versus they need to get the basic skill sets to become better hockey players so in the future they can do that.

00:13:10.904 --> 00:13:13.028
Mike, you want to comment on that before I move on?

00:13:13.200 --> 00:13:17.451
I mean just about as far as the skating go, like you know the tactical piece and the training piece.

00:13:17.451 --> 00:13:19.567
I mean, listen, sometimes just not really bad coaches.

00:13:19.567 --> 00:13:22.048
I mean they just don't know.

00:13:22.048 --> 00:13:41.152
I mean, like I said, I look at I probably look at things so differently, like to me, no knowing what I know now and knowing the knowledge base that I've been around and knowing the professionals that I trust and seeing it firsthand what happens, like I would never back skate kids at the end of practice Right, I would never do it.

00:13:41.172 --> 00:13:42.153
I'm not saying that's what they're doing.

00:13:42.440 --> 00:13:59.629
They're doing actually good skating Like no, no, but in the trials and in the practice they're in the practice is probably skating, like, like when you see a practice and you're like because, I'll tell you right now, most of the parents I know would think that's the greatest thing in the world Like, oh, look at that, coach, he is God.

00:13:59.629 --> 00:14:04.909
Look at the practice, those kids are going to be the most the best conditioned athletes on the ice.

00:14:04.909 --> 00:14:18.371
Well, the science and the facts have told us that back skating and sprinting is the the single thing you can do the most to not help your child succeed in skating.

00:14:18.371 --> 00:14:23.725
So, and they're not going to get conditioning and they're all cheating anyway and they all, you know, you all regulate to the fast.

00:14:24.059 --> 00:14:26.649
There's no purpose but to get out of it, and that's not a good drill.

00:14:26.900 --> 00:14:29.950
Well, not only that, and it's like and to me it's just lazy coaching.

00:14:29.950 --> 00:14:33.884
It's like, oh, you know what, you know what the best thing to do, let's do the five circle drill and then back skate the kids.

00:14:33.884 --> 00:14:35.128
That's an easy practice, right?

00:14:35.128 --> 00:14:36.751
That's easy for me to conceptualize.

00:14:36.751 --> 00:14:50.551
So but, that being aside, I agree with you If, if, if a coach is following the standards of the age group and they're leaning have more heavily on something that might not help them tactically in the game, succeed.

00:14:50.551 --> 00:14:59.167
Like they might not be working on the triangle offense or the one three, one or the you know, but they're working on the transition as a skill set yeah.

00:14:59.167 --> 00:15:02.023
Right, then I got to defer to the coach.

00:15:02.023 --> 00:15:02.745
That's his plan.

00:15:02.745 --> 00:15:13.947
But if you, but if you're winging it, like again, this goes right back to school, back to the golden rule, right, if you're in a team that has a coach that's winging it, but you didn't do your research to find out that the coach was in the first place, that falls on you.

00:15:13.947 --> 00:15:14.587
That's right.

00:15:15.110 --> 00:15:15.971
I will give Michael this.

00:15:15.971 --> 00:15:20.201
He says he's in Arizona and I don't know what the youth hockey scene is in Arizona, but I imagine it's.

00:15:20.201 --> 00:15:27.490
It's not as abundant as like where you and I live, so there may not be as much of a choice, but we'll get into the cement.

00:15:27.490 --> 00:15:29.145
There's other ways to kind of move beyond.

00:15:29.145 --> 00:15:31.528
I just wanted to say that, mike, you're absolutely right.

00:15:31.528 --> 00:15:33.854
Like where we live, there's, there's plenty of teams to choose from.

00:15:36.143 --> 00:15:43.727
Well, but again, even if you only have one team to choose from, know what you're getting into ahead of time and then you have to either accept it or not.

00:15:43.727 --> 00:15:52.726
Either you have to say, okay, I'm accepting this, like if I join a country club and they don't have a tennis court and then I complain that there's no tennis at the country club.

00:15:52.726 --> 00:15:53.951
That's on me.

00:15:53.951 --> 00:15:56.206
I'm like well, there was never tennis at the country club.

00:15:56.326 --> 00:15:58.264
Right, why would?

00:15:58.284 --> 00:15:59.067
you demand tennis.

00:15:59.067 --> 00:16:00.465
There's no tennis club.

00:16:00.720 --> 00:16:02.246
It's a pickleball now anyway, Mike.

00:16:03.482 --> 00:16:06.871
You joined the pickleball golf club, not the tennis and pool club.

00:16:06.871 --> 00:16:09.690
So it's like again, you just have to.

00:16:09.690 --> 00:16:14.609
You knew, going in what it was Right, and if you didn't, that's that's you learn.

00:16:15.203 --> 00:16:25.994
Look again, the hockey journey is a journey and I would say this look, I've had more I'm sorry, I've had less great coaches than OK coaches.

00:16:25.994 --> 00:16:31.471
Again, saying that again, I've had more poor coaches in my youth hockey career than great ones.

00:16:31.471 --> 00:16:34.655
The great ones made a huge impact, but I think that that's somewhat normal.

00:16:34.655 --> 00:16:36.346
All right, Like you, kind of get what you get.

00:16:36.962 --> 00:16:41.688
And I've had great coaches that knew nothing about hockey Like they actually didn't help me become a better hockey player.

00:16:41.688 --> 00:16:42.823
I was just like I don't know.

00:16:42.823 --> 00:16:44.905
This guy's a fun guy, Like I really like working with this person.

00:16:44.905 --> 00:16:45.570
But they didn't know.

00:16:45.570 --> 00:16:47.105
The guy looked back and we used to.

00:16:47.105 --> 00:16:52.307
I would joke with my, you know, the alumni of the teams I played with like yeah well, I didn't know anything.

00:16:52.307 --> 00:16:54.027
Like I didn't know what he was doing out there.

00:16:54.027 --> 00:16:59.741
But let's use the Grestky example he gave up his time he was there for 25 weeks he was.

00:16:59.741 --> 00:17:00.885
He never missed a practice.

00:17:00.885 --> 00:17:02.804
He always had pucks and I don't know.

00:17:02.804 --> 00:17:05.135
It seemed like I had fun and that didn't quit.

00:17:05.699 --> 00:17:10.079
Yeah, again, I always like to use the Grestky example and God bless Wayne Grestky and everything he's done for the game.

00:17:10.079 --> 00:17:12.401
But he wasn't the best coach and again, I was.

00:17:12.401 --> 00:17:16.910
I always, when people ask me about that, I say how is he supposed to teach people to see the game like he did?

00:17:16.910 --> 00:17:19.294
He can't do it, it's not possible.

00:17:19.294 --> 00:17:21.839
So there's lots of different types of coaches out there.

00:17:21.839 --> 00:17:27.573
I'm going to echo what you said earlier in the show too, mike, that just because someone hasn't played doesn't mean they're not knowledgeable in the game.

00:17:27.573 --> 00:17:29.039
I think that's a huge misnomer.

00:17:29.039 --> 00:17:31.645
Obviously, if you have played, you have other knowledge.

00:17:31.645 --> 00:17:37.779
But, like I never write someone off Again, especially somebody, if you've been watching the sport 20, 30 years, you're probably going to have a clue.

00:17:37.920 --> 00:17:40.530
Hopefully I'll pop somebody up just because you play.

00:17:40.530 --> 00:17:41.494
Yeah, yeah, it's a balance.

00:17:42.780 --> 00:17:43.644
Knowledge is knowledge.

00:17:43.644 --> 00:17:48.891
Now I want to continue this thing kind of with my example, because I made a mistake earlier in this year by accident.

00:17:48.891 --> 00:17:53.887
Again reiterating I have complete respect for my kids coaching staff.

00:17:53.887 --> 00:18:07.134
I always have thoughts and opinions that I want to share and it eats me alive a little bit that I am not in a position to share, but I respect the coaching staff enough not to not to step over unless I am asked.

00:18:07.134 --> 00:18:11.646
Now this brings us to the next part of this and, mike, I know you've experienced this before.

00:18:11.646 --> 00:18:13.287
I made this mistake earlier in the season.

00:18:13.287 --> 00:18:26.086
So some of the kids on this team I have coached in the past, so they know me and they come to me and I gave one player a tip for a tactical move that he could make in a game and he did it and it worked.

00:18:26.086 --> 00:18:29.579
And his coaches said, hey, don't do that again, right.

00:18:29.579 --> 00:18:36.189
So now suddenly and this is where I took it, there's no ego with me, right A younger version of me would have been like but I was right, this was right.

00:18:36.189 --> 00:18:39.007
It's not about me If they're telling him not to do it.

00:18:39.007 --> 00:18:41.680
I actually felt bad because now I felt like I stepped on their toes a little bit.

00:18:41.680 --> 00:18:42.825
That's not what I'm trying to do.

00:18:42.825 --> 00:18:45.680
It doesn't matter if I was right or not in that situation.

00:18:45.680 --> 00:18:49.190
They're coaching the team, which brings me to, kind of the final piece of this.

00:18:49.190 --> 00:18:58.654
Once that happened to me, I realized, ok, I really have to be smart about what I say, who I say it to, because I'm not trying to cause a problem on the team.

00:18:58.654 --> 00:19:00.185
That's where my mind goes.

00:19:00.185 --> 00:19:02.708
Ok, now other people don't maybe think that way.

00:19:02.708 --> 00:19:05.326
So this is where the final piece of the puzzle is.

00:19:05.326 --> 00:19:09.202
Michael, to answer your question, you're the parent, you're the father.

00:19:09.202 --> 00:19:15.031
You can have conversations with your son or daughter at home about the game, about what you see.

00:19:15.031 --> 00:19:18.046
Just make sure that they understand and I'm speaking as a coach here.

00:19:18.046 --> 00:19:21.650
I think it's always very important that you make sure there's an accountability here.

00:19:21.650 --> 00:19:26.088
Like I'm not coaching your team, you have to listen to your coaches, because that's who's in charge right now.

00:19:26.088 --> 00:19:27.464
This is what I'm seeing.

00:19:27.464 --> 00:19:29.145
This is what I think you can learn to do.

00:19:29.145 --> 00:19:30.765
If your coach is telling you not to do that.

00:19:30.765 --> 00:19:32.048
Just note this in the back of your head.

00:19:32.048 --> 00:19:42.339
You're with your kid more than the coaching staff, as you can teach, and I've had great conversations with my son and daughter about the game away from the coaching staff to help them understand something.

00:19:42.339 --> 00:19:55.113
But they understand, whether you like the coach or not, that is your coach right now and that you will be a better player in the future if you teach your kid to have respect for the situation.

00:19:55.113 --> 00:20:13.191
I am not saying you have to love every coach you have and that you have to agree with everything every coach has ever done, but you need to respect the office of coach Because if you're not careful and, mike, I'm going to throw it right to you on this If you are not careful with this, you will teach your kid inadvertently to not be coachable.

00:20:13.191 --> 00:20:19.332
And if your kid is not coachable, they will go absolutely nowhere in anything, not just the sport.

00:20:19.332 --> 00:20:24.830
Coachability is a major skill set when you get to the higher levels.

00:20:24.830 --> 00:20:36.646
So kind of heed that warning of have conversations, understand and respect the office of coaches and teach the way you can teach.

00:20:36.646 --> 00:20:41.221
But at the end of the day, michael and again I'm thinking this might not be the answer you want I'm sorry.

00:20:41.221 --> 00:20:55.294
If a coach has not opened up the door for you to give opinions, do not give opinions to that coach and do not, or try your best, I should say, not to commiserate too much outside because it's not conducive to the environment.

00:20:55.294 --> 00:21:07.795
Right and again, the things that scare me as a team builder, mike, is when I walk into a locker room and I hear players blaming each other or blaming the coaches, or blaming the standings, or blaming.

00:21:07.795 --> 00:21:11.348
There's a lot of finger pointing and I mean it's a societal problem too.

00:21:11.348 --> 00:21:15.750
But when I want to see, when I walk into a locker room, is everybody trying to find a solution together?

00:21:15.750 --> 00:21:19.048
And again, when you come in the car with your kid we've had episodes about this too.

00:21:19.048 --> 00:21:20.882
The car rides not for coaching.

00:21:20.882 --> 00:21:26.773
But when you say to the kid in the car well, if Johnny would have passed you the puck there, we would have gotten a goal.

00:21:26.773 --> 00:21:30.569
If your coach put you out in this situation, it would have changed the game.

00:21:30.569 --> 00:21:32.866
You're teaching your kid to be unaccountable.

00:21:32.866 --> 00:21:36.925
There's another way to say that I'm going to sauce the puck to you, mike.

00:21:36.925 --> 00:21:38.250
I always love saying that for our traditions.

00:21:40.101 --> 00:21:42.463
Yeah, it's when you're a coach in the locker room.

00:21:42.463 --> 00:21:49.555
You know what the conversation is at home, because a 12 year old and 11 year old and eight year old is not.

00:21:49.555 --> 00:21:52.351
They're inherently positive, they are they just.

00:21:52.351 --> 00:21:54.380
They're inherently want to be good teammates.

00:21:54.380 --> 00:21:56.387
They inherently they come into it.

00:21:56.640 --> 00:21:57.383
Well, that's why they're there.

00:21:57.663 --> 00:22:01.950
They want to be friends, I mean that's why you could have friends and get away from mom and dad.

00:22:01.950 --> 00:22:20.790
And you should be able to, you should and I always I always use the word manipulate and that's the wrong word influence you should be able to influence your child into not accepting that it might be right or wrong with the coaches doing, but more accepting that, well, this is the decision the coach made.

00:22:20.790 --> 00:22:25.771
So you have to either learn to work around it or just deal with it.

00:22:25.771 --> 00:22:28.229
Like you have to figure out different strategies.

00:22:28.229 --> 00:22:30.862
I'm like well, the coach wants you to do this, Then why don't you?

00:22:30.862 --> 00:22:32.425
You know, why don't you do this?

00:22:32.425 --> 00:22:37.190
And then try to turn this into this, Like OK, oh, you know, this is a real work.

00:22:37.190 --> 00:22:38.746
Let's just happen, literally this morning.

00:22:38.746 --> 00:22:42.770
So the player comes in, he's beating kids down the ice.

00:22:42.770 --> 00:22:50.531
He's really, you know, he's a defenseman, an offensive defenseman, a player that is coming down the ice and making plays happen, pulling up, getting assists.

00:22:50.531 --> 00:22:53.608
You know, really a dynamic individual, right?

00:22:53.608 --> 00:23:03.464
The coaching staff says, hey, we love the way you're doing this and but you know, we need you to get the puck off the glass and get it out and we can't have you play this way.

00:23:03.464 --> 00:23:05.484
So guess what we're going to have, we and then.

00:23:05.484 --> 00:23:07.550
So what they determine is, as they go through.

00:23:07.550 --> 00:23:09.806
They say we're going to make you a forward.

00:23:09.806 --> 00:23:16.853
So so now you know, now mom and dad could go and the player could go one or two ways, right?

00:23:16.853 --> 00:23:18.104
I'm not forward.

00:23:18.104 --> 00:23:21.188
I played D the hell with you.

00:23:21.188 --> 00:23:22.583
I'm out of here, or?

00:23:22.583 --> 00:23:25.290
Yep, the coach doesn't know what they're talking about.

00:23:25.290 --> 00:23:26.182
These guys are idiots.

00:23:26.182 --> 00:23:28.609
I'm going to write an email about how wrong they are.

00:23:28.609 --> 00:23:29.442
So what is?

00:23:29.442 --> 00:23:30.305
What does this family do?

00:23:30.305 --> 00:23:34.830
Ok, the coaches is the one that's running the program.

00:23:34.830 --> 00:23:38.446
You're you're a younger player on the team play winger.

00:23:38.446 --> 00:23:40.171
Learn from this.

00:23:40.171 --> 00:23:43.929
Take those skill sets that you're going to learn and use them.

00:23:43.929 --> 00:23:48.010
Obviously, this coach is seek now whether they're a good coach or not.

00:23:48.010 --> 00:23:52.508
Now I would contend that they're, that the coach doesn't really know much about the modern game.

00:23:52.508 --> 00:23:55.510
That opinion stays to myself.

00:23:55.510 --> 00:24:04.558
Take what the coach is seeing in you and work around that and then be the best player that that coach thinks you are.

00:24:04.881 --> 00:24:05.101
Right.

00:24:05.755 --> 00:24:13.457
And then you have a lot more leverage and a lot more money in the bank to be able to go back and say you know what?

00:24:13.457 --> 00:24:15.721
I really like this, but I think I can contribute here as well.

00:24:16.555 --> 00:24:25.044
Yeah, I'll also say too, from a fan point or a watching point, it's very easy to find things wrong with the game.

00:24:25.044 --> 00:24:29.403
You might not see all the things going right with the game too, right, mike?

00:24:29.403 --> 00:24:29.885
You know what I mean.

00:24:29.885 --> 00:24:36.778
Like sometimes, when you're hyper vigilant, especially with your own kid, you're gonna say, well, all this stuff needs to happen, but you don't see the five good things that are going on as well.

00:24:36.778 --> 00:24:41.124
Now, also with your situation that you just said, it's funny.

00:24:41.124 --> 00:24:41.585
You mentioned that.

00:24:41.585 --> 00:24:48.580
I remember when I started playing and this is always gonna be the theme when I'm about to bring up For everybody listening this is the key to the whole thing I'm about to bring up.

00:24:48.580 --> 00:24:49.980
It always comes back to the same thing.

00:24:49.980 --> 00:24:52.077
I started as a D.

00:24:52.077 --> 00:24:52.961
A lot of people don't know that.

00:24:52.961 --> 00:24:59.140
I just thought I was a D and I remember when they moved me up to forward, I was really kind of devastated.

00:24:59.140 --> 00:25:00.800
I was younger, I didn't know what to do.

00:25:00.800 --> 00:25:02.078
I had never played forward before.

00:25:02.078 --> 00:25:04.059
Now it ended up working out.

00:25:04.059 --> 00:25:14.198
But looking back, what I wish had happened is if the coach had communicated communications, the key to everything why they were moving up to forward, and they did.

00:25:14.198 --> 00:25:18.125
Throughout the season they said look, this is back in the 90s.

00:25:18.125 --> 00:25:20.682
They said you're far too fast to be a defenseman.

00:25:20.682 --> 00:25:24.381
We need to develop your offensive skills so that we think you can help the team out better here.

00:25:24.381 --> 00:25:29.701
If they hadn't told me that right away, I would have been like okay, that makes sense and it's an opportunity to learn another position.

00:25:29.701 --> 00:25:34.940
So again, mike, in your situation, if it's communicated clearly look, I know you're a defenseman I think this is gonna help your game.

00:25:34.940 --> 00:25:36.138
You play forward, it'll help the team.

00:25:36.138 --> 00:25:36.621
It'll help you.

00:25:36.621 --> 00:25:38.200
You'll understand this position better.

00:25:38.200 --> 00:25:41.938
It'll make you a better defenseman in the long run because you're gonna understand how to play offense a little bit better.

00:25:41.938 --> 00:25:44.060
Now there's a conversation happening.

00:25:44.060 --> 00:25:44.884
It's communication.

00:25:44.884 --> 00:25:46.479
Go ahead.

00:25:47.375 --> 00:25:48.258
No, I'm just saying.

00:25:48.258 --> 00:26:00.208
But ultimately, like this conversation is around that Monday morning quarterbacking, right Monday morning coaching, and I think you nailed it earlier like don't do it, Don't do it, Just try to find out Unless the door's open.

00:26:01.115 --> 00:26:04.105
Yeah, well, and Michael also asked like, about like what's the healthy dose?

00:26:04.105 --> 00:26:06.201
And, Michael, just so you know these are super fair questions.

00:26:06.201 --> 00:26:09.682
I'm actually glad you asked them, Like I think a lot of people feel this way.

00:26:09.682 --> 00:26:18.223
We're just being honest, Like you were talking about what's the healthy dose Is, should there be like a platform where we can put input to staff for interaction?

00:26:18.223 --> 00:26:24.222
Honestly, if the coach has not created that, no, no, it is not our place.

00:26:24.222 --> 00:26:25.238
Let's go back to.

00:26:25.398 --> 00:26:25.880
Let's go back.

00:26:25.880 --> 00:26:27.124
Coach is always right.

00:26:27.124 --> 00:26:31.942
You know the Stu Leonard's philosophy right, so go back to coach is always right.

00:26:31.942 --> 00:26:53.526
I think what you need to see is, if the door wasn't available, wasn't open at the beginning and there wasn't a process for that at the beginning and this is a great learning experience it get through the year and then present it to next year's program and say, listen, this is what I experienced last year as a parent and I'm wondering if in fact there could be a way for parents to have a forum.

00:26:53.526 --> 00:26:56.123
Now it all depends on the program.

00:26:56.123 --> 00:27:01.859
I would say Mike Bonnelli in 1993 would be like are you crazy?

00:27:01.880 --> 00:27:03.557
Right, I would be too, chris, no way.

00:27:03.959 --> 00:27:07.542
I am ever gonna talk to you Like it's just not gonna happen.

00:27:07.575 --> 00:27:08.820
The younger version of me would not.

00:27:08.820 --> 00:27:10.019
I know what I'm doing.

00:27:10.019 --> 00:27:11.022
Do not tell me what to do.

00:27:11.022 --> 00:27:12.498
That is the younger version of me.

00:27:12.498 --> 00:27:14.143
Yes.

00:27:14.163 --> 00:27:16.258
The older version of me is like I know what I'm doing.

00:27:16.278 --> 00:27:17.039
Don't tell me what to do.

00:27:17.039 --> 00:27:17.521
I'm just kidding.

00:27:17.954 --> 00:27:18.356
The caller.

00:27:18.356 --> 00:27:30.519
But the caller makes a great point and I've saved this now as not only a parent, but even before I was a parent of a player, even when I started understanding kids better that the parent.

00:27:30.519 --> 00:27:33.386
The family is with the children all the time.

00:27:33.386 --> 00:27:34.800
I only have time for two hours.

00:27:35.616 --> 00:27:36.359
It's their life.

00:27:37.375 --> 00:27:48.740
So I do wanna know more about what's going on with that player and how I can work on strategies to work that player Now and by gonna sit down and have a discussion on how the power play is gonna be set up.

00:27:48.740 --> 00:27:59.383
It's gonna be really hard for me to do that as a coach, because once you open the door up for this individual to have a conversation about the power play, 15 other people listen and I've had.

00:27:59.383 --> 00:28:02.624
I can't like the worst thing in the world.

00:28:02.624 --> 00:28:08.161
The best thing in the world is communication apps and the worst thing in the world is communication apps.

00:28:08.161 --> 00:28:14.545
It's so true Because it opens up like oh can you believe this player is not playing as much as this player?

00:28:14.545 --> 00:28:17.363
And all of a sudden text messaging.

00:28:17.403 --> 00:28:18.145
I've seen it, Mike.

00:28:18.145 --> 00:28:22.441
I've seen a full out commiseration conversation happen with the coaches in the chat.

00:28:22.714 --> 00:28:25.099
In the chat, like does this guy even know what he's doing?

00:28:25.099 --> 00:28:26.282
I'm like I'm right here, what are you doing?

00:28:26.282 --> 00:28:27.665
I'm right here, I'm sitting right here.

00:28:28.494 --> 00:28:34.576
I think we also have to mention this too, like you're talking about the mixed bag of communication and this, again, this is for Michael.

00:28:34.576 --> 00:28:35.259
You're listening to this.

00:28:35.259 --> 00:28:36.238
This is for everybody listening.

00:28:36.238 --> 00:28:45.941
I would love to be in a position where I could take everyone's opinion as a coach, but this is what you have to realize there's gonna be 20 different opinions.

00:28:45.941 --> 00:28:51.700
If I open it up, I'm gonna be disappointing half the people that are giving me their opinions because it's not gonna be what they want.

00:28:51.700 --> 00:28:55.921
And this is where the coaching staff has to kind of trust in their staff a little bit.

00:28:55.921 --> 00:29:03.805
Everyone sees something different and again, from Michael's point of view, I know you probably have very valuable input.

00:29:03.805 --> 00:29:07.000
I mean that, but you gotta let the coach coach.

00:29:07.000 --> 00:29:08.605
You gotta let them do that.

00:29:08.605 --> 00:29:17.458
And if they're bad coaches, every organization I'm a big believer in this should have an end of the year survey where the parents can give their thoughts on the coaching staff.

00:29:17.458 --> 00:29:22.144
All right, I, as a coach, I endorse that.

00:29:22.144 --> 00:29:27.016
I think they should have a platform to be able to give their thoughts Right now.

00:29:27.016 --> 00:29:30.358
Again, hopefully the thoughts are conducive to really good people.

00:29:30.358 --> 00:29:32.023
Did a great job teaching my kid.

00:29:32.023 --> 00:29:35.539
If I think of the survey says well, the power plays sucked and this is what I would have done.

00:29:35.539 --> 00:29:40.663
I think you're telling the organization something, but I just want it to be understood.

00:29:40.663 --> 00:29:42.601
It's a mixed bag for coaches.

00:29:42.601 --> 00:29:46.682
If we open the door for every opinion, like anything in life, this isn't just coaching.

00:29:47.095 --> 00:29:54.778
You're gonna get 20 different opinions, you know, and it's we tried to pick out dinner at last tournament and it was like a nightmare.

00:29:55.194 --> 00:29:55.777
For the dinner.

00:29:55.938 --> 00:29:56.882
yeah, Just pick the dinner.

00:29:56.882 --> 00:29:58.057
Yeah, just tell me where I'm going.

00:29:58.420 --> 00:30:01.901
Yeah, go to Jersey, mike's get a sub, no but I don't like it.

00:30:01.901 --> 00:30:02.582
I don't like it.

00:30:02.582 --> 00:30:04.626
I won't eat there, but I think it's again.

00:30:05.375 --> 00:30:11.058
I just fall on the fact that if I, if this person, this individual is giving up their time and their effort and their-.

00:30:11.714 --> 00:30:12.578
Michael did say that.

00:30:12.578 --> 00:30:14.618
Mike, to be fair, he did say that in his call.

00:30:15.181 --> 00:30:19.565
Yeah, but again, these are strategies of we're in it, we're in it, right, we're in the season.

00:30:19.565 --> 00:30:22.142
I'm not happy with some of the decisions getting made.

00:30:22.142 --> 00:30:26.663
I think I could do a better job at evaluating the talent.

00:30:26.663 --> 00:30:37.282
All might be true, and it might very well- Thanks for doing it, I sit in the stands because of my position, of who I am, with other parents and as a plate it happens.

00:30:37.282 --> 00:30:42.463
I can tell you right now, when I'm not coaching, I get the like what would you do there?

00:30:42.463 --> 00:30:43.105
What?

00:30:43.125 --> 00:30:43.428
would you do?

00:30:43.428 --> 00:30:44.419
Oh, I get that every game.

00:30:44.419 --> 00:30:46.758
Now, I know I wouldn't do anything there I said.

00:30:46.837 --> 00:30:48.782
I said, wow, guys, they're working hard.

00:30:48.782 --> 00:30:51.301
And you know-, Mike, if I can, I'll give you another one.

00:30:51.454 --> 00:31:03.319
I was asked one time and just to give you an idea I'm not saying all parents ask ridiculous questions but I remember I was coaching Mike one time and a parent asked me like well, what was the plan for the lines today, like about who's playing with who?

00:31:03.319 --> 00:31:04.820
And I said what are you talking about?

00:31:04.820 --> 00:31:08.646
We don't have lines in Mike Like we just we rotate.

00:31:08.646 --> 00:31:12.117
Everybody gets similar to ISE, but it's Mike, right, you know so.

00:31:12.117 --> 00:31:16.365
And they were like shocked that we didn't have a strategy for lines and I'm like we have 10 players.

00:31:16.365 --> 00:31:16.756
It's never.

00:31:16.756 --> 00:31:17.780
What are you talking about?

00:31:18.135 --> 00:31:19.634
Yeah, what were you thinking there in that, long enough I go.

00:31:19.634 --> 00:31:21.020
Well, I was thinking that the kids showed up.

00:31:21.654 --> 00:31:22.037
At the same time.

00:31:22.037 --> 00:31:28.189
It's like if I get to Pee Wee and someone's asking me about the 131, I'm not expecting them to execute a 131 in Pee Wee.

00:31:28.189 --> 00:31:28.672
They're not gonna.

00:31:28.672 --> 00:31:31.367
You know, they're not gonna have a clue yet and you can search it.

00:31:31.367 --> 00:31:36.964
But again, even if they could, but even if they could where are you leaning your development?

00:31:37.095 --> 00:31:43.563
Are you leaning it on an hour of running the 131 and learning the discipline of what that takes?

00:31:43.563 --> 00:31:46.503
Or are you doing 90 minutes of skating work?

00:31:46.894 --> 00:31:54.461
So again on that note, let me go back to this team that my sons are right, so I'm gonna keep reiterating I think they're doing a great job right.

00:31:54.461 --> 00:31:55.777
Every game.

00:31:55.777 --> 00:31:59.941
I could write an email to this coach of this is what I'm seeing, good and bad.

00:31:59.941 --> 00:32:03.403
I choose not to do that out of respect for the coaching staff.

00:32:03.403 --> 00:32:04.859
Here's some other things I noticed.

00:32:05.015 --> 00:32:15.902
Because when's he gonna start emailing you saying hey, lee, I watched your podcast the other day and, holy crap, your audio was off the lighting was Nellie doesn't even know what that was talking about One day morning podcasting, yeah, but Nellie doesn't know what he's talking about.

00:32:16.295 --> 00:32:17.734
It's a respecting right Now.

00:32:17.734 --> 00:32:22.500
The other thing too is this I look at it and I go, okay, I see a lot of tactical stuff.

00:32:22.500 --> 00:32:23.142
Then I take it down.

00:32:23.142 --> 00:32:25.923
I'm like you know what these kids also need to work on?

00:32:25.923 --> 00:32:34.422
Their basic shooting fundamentals, some basic skating fundamentals, some basic transition fundamentals, which already trump everything I've already said in my head.

00:32:34.422 --> 00:32:42.521
Right, you know, honestly, it's so hard as a parent watching to know where the development should be.

00:32:42.521 --> 00:32:43.838
But everyone's gonna have an opinion.

00:32:43.838 --> 00:32:45.717
Michael, to your point, and I respect you.

00:32:45.717 --> 00:32:46.881
I respect that you have an opinion.

00:32:46.881 --> 00:32:47.604
Don't get me wrong.

00:32:47.604 --> 00:32:49.300
I'm not saying you should throw everything away.

00:32:49.300 --> 00:32:49.736
Now.

00:32:49.736 --> 00:32:59.597
This kind of brings us to the final piece of the puzzle, and Mike's gonna laugh when I say this, and I'm not saying this with any kind of sarcasm, really I'm not.

00:32:59.597 --> 00:33:01.661
I'm saying this just very truthfully.

00:33:01.661 --> 00:33:12.003
If you think you know and you really believe that you need to volunteer to coach, step up to the plate and volunteer to coach.

00:33:12.003 --> 00:33:14.915
And if you're saying, well, they'll never, let me just jump in now.

00:33:14.915 --> 00:33:24.236
You're right, all right, you have to start down at the lower levels or see if you can jump on as an assistant or offer your services, and if they say no, they say no.

00:33:24.236 --> 00:33:29.055
And again, I hope I'm echoing to you, michael the caller.

00:33:29.055 --> 00:33:31.040
It is frustrating.

00:33:31.040 --> 00:33:35.619
It is a frustrating place to be when you have an opinion, you want to share it.

00:33:35.619 --> 00:33:44.538
I'm going to reiterate what I said at the very beginning If you are not asked by the coaching staff for your opinion, do not give it, do not email it.

00:33:44.538 --> 00:33:48.032
Do not email the coach saying, hey, I just saw these things that I want you to know.

00:33:48.032 --> 00:33:50.338
It never, ever, looks right to us.

00:33:50.338 --> 00:33:52.031
I'm just giving you that warning.

00:33:52.031 --> 00:33:57.172
The best is the second half is don't commiserate with the other parents.

00:33:57.172 --> 00:33:59.436
Oh, going to create a bad environment.

00:33:59.436 --> 00:34:09.458
We all this is my final thought on this, mike we all, as parents that are not coaching, play a role in making sure that our kids are in environments.

00:34:09.458 --> 00:34:14.954
That is fun, and no one takes the fun out of hockey faster than adults.

00:34:14.954 --> 00:34:18.501
So what am I saying?

00:34:18.501 --> 00:34:22.442
Be a kid for a minute, try not to commiserate, Let them.

00:34:22.442 --> 00:34:27.463
Let them have fun, no matter what good coach, bad coach, anything in between.

00:34:27.463 --> 00:34:29.693
Mike, they're going to learn something.

00:34:29.693 --> 00:34:32.045
You're going to learn what you like what you don't like.

00:34:32.045 --> 00:34:42.295
And another thing you said, mike, you just I just sorry, I just remembered this Every kids also motivated differently, so what you think might work for your kid might not work for a bunch of other kids.

00:34:44.001 --> 00:34:47.934
Yeah, the opening, the opening text message or email can't be coach.

00:34:47.934 --> 00:34:55.215
I never do this, I'm not that parent, but those are those I love, those are, those are so my best.

00:34:55.215 --> 00:34:59.815
This is what I'm seeing, and then the best was just recently never do this, mike.

00:34:59.815 --> 00:35:06.969
I never do this, I never do this, I never do this, but but I need, I really need to need to make a comment about this.

00:35:06.969 --> 00:35:23.989
Now, if there's a kid in a locker room and it's being bullied, and there's there's an issue where that's different, there's there's like something going on with text messaging chains with the kids privately or safety Kids being singled out in a negative way and you're any's a 12 year old or 11 year old?

00:35:25.072 --> 00:35:30.112
Yes, get in there and have, and most organizations have a method for you to communicate that to be right.

00:35:30.132 --> 00:35:30.635
If they don't.

00:35:30.635 --> 00:35:32.771
Shame on them, but they don't get in there.

00:35:32.771 --> 00:35:34.115
You're a parent, that's your number one goal.

00:35:34.115 --> 00:35:34.617
You're gonna.

00:35:34.617 --> 00:35:35.351
That is fine.

00:35:35.893 --> 00:35:38.460
And if anyone's thinking that right now, Mike, I'm 100% with you.

00:35:38.460 --> 00:35:43.661
If a kid's mental health, physical health is in danger, you have to act as the parent.

00:35:44.251 --> 00:35:47.257
Yeah, be loud and voice that concern.

00:35:47.257 --> 00:35:51.235
Now, on the other side, don't be the parent and you can see, you know, commiserating.

00:35:51.235 --> 00:35:51.918
So I got the.

00:35:51.918 --> 00:35:52.731
I got a great story.

00:35:52.731 --> 00:35:57.983
So I'm in a game, in a game, we're in a hockey game and I get an email.

00:35:58.690 --> 00:35:59.353
Don't want the game.

00:35:59.914 --> 00:36:02.331
Don't want the game, but the little ting on my phone like ding.

00:36:02.331 --> 00:36:04.501
I'm like that's weird.

00:36:04.501 --> 00:36:05.105
Look at that later.

00:36:05.125 --> 00:36:06.090
What was your phone on, mike?

00:36:06.090 --> 00:36:06.610
No, I'm just kidding.

00:36:07.132 --> 00:36:09.137
Because I catch up on my.

00:36:09.177 --> 00:36:09.518
I get it.

00:36:09.518 --> 00:36:16.072
I get it, catch up on my, my, my so listens to our kids play hockey while I got it, I got it, I got it, I got to come down from the cliff.

00:36:16.512 --> 00:36:19.940
So I get, I get him.

00:36:19.940 --> 00:36:21.851
How do I say this without divulging?

00:36:21.851 --> 00:36:30.018
So okay, so that the email is the organization name defensive alliance at gmailcom.

00:36:30.018 --> 00:36:31.641
So somebody went out during the game.

00:36:31.641 --> 00:36:36.021
A parent made an email, a Gmail account.

00:36:36.021 --> 00:36:38.789
My God, Well, this is, this is a true story.

00:36:38.789 --> 00:36:41.697
This is, and these guys listen to the show.

00:36:41.697 --> 00:36:42.721
So shame on you.

00:36:42.721 --> 00:36:43.623
You do that.

00:36:43.623 --> 00:36:44.693
You're listening right now.

00:36:44.693 --> 00:36:52.681
So write that the organization name defensive alliance at gmailcom about and my sons are defensive on the team.

00:36:52.681 --> 00:37:03.815
So there's there's 60, five email addresses in there saying how they're not happy with the way the defense is being run.

00:37:03.815 --> 00:37:06.103
Who's playing, who's not playing?

00:37:06.103 --> 00:37:07.548
This is during the game.

00:37:07.829 --> 00:37:08.711
During the game.

00:37:09.032 --> 00:37:11.518
We're winning a game and you're winning the game.

00:37:12.260 --> 00:37:13.842
Love that, love that little tidbit.

00:37:14.210 --> 00:37:15.673
But again, obviously this is.

00:37:15.673 --> 00:37:18.480
This is when you say about you know, commiserating.

00:37:18.480 --> 00:37:23.619
So one parent decided you know, you know, I'm gonna say something.

00:37:23.619 --> 00:37:33.882
Yeah, you should say something, and then all of a sudden I'll make an email address real quick, yeah, but we don't want him to know who is saying which is bulls***, and I'll say that right now.

00:37:33.882 --> 00:37:36.672
Call someone out, call someone out with your face.

00:37:36.932 --> 00:37:38.096
Don't be anonymous with it.

00:37:38.115 --> 00:37:38.958
That's the worst.

00:37:38.958 --> 00:37:39.460
It's the worst.

00:37:39.460 --> 00:37:41.596
So I know, I know, so I try.

00:37:41.615 --> 00:37:42.739
Sorry, kids, if you're listening.

00:37:42.940 --> 00:37:43.704
I'm trying back.

00:37:43.704 --> 00:37:44.929
Why is it my name on the email?

00:37:44.929 --> 00:37:47.494
My son's my name.

00:37:47.494 --> 00:37:49.038
I said wait, I don't.

00:37:49.038 --> 00:37:50.221
I don't get a say in this.

00:37:50.221 --> 00:37:52.630
I'm part of the alliance too Right.

00:37:52.630 --> 00:38:00.043
So I'm saying I couldn't believe it, like it was like one of these things where and I did, I did my own reflection I'm like I can't.

00:38:00.043 --> 00:38:13.425
I'm not going to answer this on the bridge right now, I'm going to just take a free breath, read this and then, and then I respond to it eventually, but but I'm like you know, I just don't game.

00:38:13.445 --> 00:38:13.606
That's.

00:38:13.606 --> 00:38:13.826
That's.

00:38:13.826 --> 00:38:15.833
That's like a negative 24 hour rule.

00:38:16.617 --> 00:38:17.400
It was unbelievable.

00:38:17.400 --> 00:38:18.646
It was actually unbelievable.

00:38:18.646 --> 00:38:20.032
I mean, it was one of those things where it was.

00:38:20.032 --> 00:38:29.572
It was laughable because I was like laughing at the fence, Like I'm like, I'm like you see this, Like I'm looking up at the stand trying to figure out who's typing, so I think it's like so.

00:38:29.572 --> 00:38:31.798
So to me you can undermine.

00:38:31.798 --> 00:38:37.394
Now imagine what that does to the mindset of the other four parents that you've commiserated with.

00:38:37.394 --> 00:38:42.817
And now this is when you start seeing teams in the stands and you see seeing parents.

00:38:43.077 --> 00:38:44.987
Yeah, and they're going here, and this is why, mike.

00:38:45.128 --> 00:39:03.594
Nellie sits in the corner up here in the little little booth and and this is why, this is why you have fraction, and I can tell you right now, I could tell from, if I go to a hockey tournament and I see the fractured stands, I could almost tell you how well that team's going to do when I and how and where they're going to.

00:39:03.655 --> 00:39:07.518
I'm going to say this again like the kids are the one who suffered, the kids are the ones who suffer from this Always.

00:39:07.518 --> 00:39:08.744
It's not, always not.

00:39:08.804 --> 00:39:13.550
And the parent and the unwitting parents that the parents are like just go along with the flow and say whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

00:39:13.550 --> 00:39:14.793
What's the thing?

00:39:14.813 --> 00:39:15.375
to do with this.

00:39:15.375 --> 00:39:16.778
Think about what this does to the coach.

00:39:16.778 --> 00:39:23.195
You're going to get one of two outcomes with this All right If you have a younger I shouldn't say younger if you have an egotistical coach.

00:39:23.195 --> 00:39:25.547
They may punish your kid now for doing that.

00:39:25.547 --> 00:39:28.641
All right, which is wrong, don't get me wrong, it's wrong.

00:39:28.641 --> 00:39:32.045
All right If the coach ends up punishing a kid because their parents did something.

00:39:32.045 --> 00:39:32.784
That's wrong.

00:39:32.784 --> 00:39:38.684
Or the more likely scenario which has happened to me, happened to you is you actually care about these kids?

00:39:38.684 --> 00:39:46.054
And now, every time you look at that kid, you're thinking about the defensive alliance email and you got to move over that email and make a good decision for that kid.

00:39:46.054 --> 00:39:48.960
So you've just created a hurdle where there doesn't need to be one.

00:39:48.960 --> 00:39:59.320
So look, rounding this out, I respect I mean this that everyone has an opinion, like you could take this way outside of hockey.

00:39:59.320 --> 00:40:12.762
I respect everyone's right to have an opinion, but there's a time and a place to a share that opinion and if you're not welcome to share your opinion, please don't do it.

00:40:12.762 --> 00:40:21.530
You will create more problems, and I am talking to you even if you think your team is having a horrible, horrible season, you will not help that situation.

00:40:21.530 --> 00:40:23.269
I'm just telling you from experience.

00:40:23.269 --> 00:40:31.806
You can help the situation by explaining to your child that not everything in life is fair, that this is a bad situation we're in.

00:40:31.806 --> 00:40:39.307
What are we going to do as father, mother, son and daughter to learn from this and improve on it?

00:40:39.307 --> 00:40:41.536
Not every year is going to be great.

00:40:41.536 --> 00:40:43.364
Now, again, michael, I'm talking really pointy.

00:40:43.364 --> 00:40:46.295
I'm not the caller, I'm not talking just to you here.

00:40:46.295 --> 00:40:46.858
All right, I'm living.

00:40:46.858 --> 00:40:58.675
I think this is why it's such a pain in the door box, because I'm living what you're saying on one end, but I'm also a coach on the other end that hears opinions like this.

00:40:58.675 --> 00:41:11.679
So again, the solution I'm talking to the coaches right now We've had this on other episodes very, very clearly at the beginning of the season and maybe throughout the season Tell the parents.

00:41:11.679 --> 00:41:12.885
This is how to communicate with me.

00:41:12.885 --> 00:41:14.572
This is what I would like to hear, what I'd like not like to hear.

00:41:14.572 --> 00:41:16.945
If you have an opinion so strong, you need to share it.

00:41:16.945 --> 00:41:17.728
You can set it to me.

00:41:17.728 --> 00:41:21.208
I may or may not respond, okay, but I want you to know that I'm here for you.

00:41:21.208 --> 00:41:24.300
Every coach has to do that on their own.

00:41:24.300 --> 00:41:28.027
Another thing coaches, this is a tough one.

00:41:28.027 --> 00:41:30.355
You have to remove some ego from this too.

00:41:30.355 --> 00:41:33.327
You can't take it personally when a parent has an opinion.

00:41:33.327 --> 00:41:33.869
They all have opinions.

00:41:33.869 --> 00:41:40.402
Now I'm going to tell you that all the coaches if you have aspirations of coaching beyond youth hockey, you're going to get way more opinions.

00:41:40.402 --> 00:41:41.989
You put a fan base into it, you'll get opinions.

00:41:44.039 --> 00:41:45.929
You don't think you got 18,000 people making an opinion.

00:41:48.137 --> 00:41:49.240
They all love you when you're winning.

00:41:49.260 --> 00:41:52.170
They all want you to shoot the puck Everyone wants you to shoot the puck Right?

00:41:52.170 --> 00:41:54.304
I mean, I have conversations about this all the time you know about.

00:41:54.344 --> 00:41:59.728
You know it's very easy to watch an NHL game as a fan and say I know what they should be doing.

00:41:59.728 --> 00:42:04.961
Well, maybe you do, but you're not there, right?

00:42:04.961 --> 00:42:05.724
A person's there.

00:42:05.724 --> 00:42:08.480
So, again, rounding this out, it's frustrating.

00:42:08.480 --> 00:42:11.742
I love that you have an opinion, because it means you're passionate about the game.

00:42:11.742 --> 00:42:16.092
Here's another thing, mike, we didn't say this earlier, we didn't say this earlier, we didn't say this earlier?

00:42:16.092 --> 00:42:21.454
And again, michael, not just talking to you, how much research into your opinion have you done?

00:42:21.454 --> 00:42:22.780
Right?

00:42:22.780 --> 00:42:24.789
Very easy for someone to point and say shoot the puck.

00:42:24.789 --> 00:42:27.376
You've got to shoot the puck there, right?

00:42:27.376 --> 00:42:29.661
Here's the thing Most people that are yelling shoot the puck.

00:42:29.661 --> 00:42:36.391
That's kind of a red flag for me, right, because it's not about just shooting the puck all the time.

00:42:36.391 --> 00:42:39.041
Sometimes it's about finding the right shot, right?

00:42:39.041 --> 00:42:44.161
So, so, so, continually educate yourself about the game, which is also a good thing for your kids.

00:42:44.161 --> 00:42:46.438
I could go on all days.

00:42:46.438 --> 00:42:49.371
It's such a pain in the ass, all right so there's a million different things that can happen.

00:42:49.864 --> 00:42:55.655
I mean, how many times have you heard somebody say oh my God, why aren't they making that guy a captain?

00:42:55.655 --> 00:42:56.356
He should be the captain.

00:42:56.356 --> 00:42:57.829
Well, you don't go on those locker rooms.

00:42:57.849 --> 00:42:58.673
You don't know what's going on.

00:42:58.673 --> 00:43:01.670
No idea, the kid who's nice at home might not be great in the locker room.

00:43:02.025 --> 00:43:03.130
You have no idea.

00:43:03.130 --> 00:43:09.192
You cannot have a conversation about what people have in-depthly and how to use certain personality.

00:43:09.192 --> 00:43:10.050
You don't have no idea.

00:43:10.050 --> 00:43:11.490
You don't like the youth hockey level.

00:43:11.490 --> 00:43:13.990
You don't know that this kid doesn't ever come to practice.

00:43:13.990 --> 00:43:16.213
How come that kid's on the power but he's the best player.

00:43:16.213 --> 00:43:20.211
He hasn't been in practice in four months, so don't again.

00:43:20.211 --> 00:43:20.733
I just-.

00:43:21.385 --> 00:43:22.409
Every situation's different.

00:43:22.510 --> 00:43:23.393
Every situation's different.

00:43:23.393 --> 00:43:39.009
I think the default is don't say anything, figure it out Now and the other side is okay, and then, if that's not it, then find the strategies that you can use to slowly help change the culture, and that or volunteer to coach.

00:43:39.009 --> 00:43:44.510
Or go get your certification, do your 27 hours and get out and go help.

00:43:45.144 --> 00:43:48.106
Right Again, man, I think we could end it there Again.

00:43:48.106 --> 00:43:49.753
Michael, it's a fantastic question.

00:43:49.753 --> 00:43:53.271
It's a question that's never gonna have a yes or no answer to it.

00:43:53.271 --> 00:43:55.425
I hope we conveyed that.

00:43:55.425 --> 00:44:01.552
I hope we conveyed that we understand the frustration, but we also see the other side of it and that every team's gonna be different.

00:44:01.552 --> 00:44:04.012
You might have a coach one year that's like tell me everything.

00:44:04.012 --> 00:44:06.550
You might have a coach that says do not speak to me ever.

00:44:06.550 --> 00:44:14.853
And unfortunately, when we look at this, this will be my final thought, mike, from a broad life lesson standpoint.

00:44:14.853 --> 00:44:17.385
Right, cause that's really the key in youth hockey.

00:44:17.385 --> 00:44:24.333
At the end of the day, your kids are gonna run into this situation in college, if they go to college, or at jobs, when they go to jobs.

00:44:24.333 --> 00:44:25.972
And again, you can always equate this as a team.

00:44:25.972 --> 00:44:33.731
It's a group of people, the beauty of a team, and this is what I look for as a parent and this is what this coaching staff my kids just rounding this out as doing.

00:44:33.731 --> 00:44:38.548
He's bringing these kids together to believe that they can move forward with a goal together.

00:44:38.548 --> 00:44:47.190
That is the greatest gift a coach can give anybody in youth hockey, because you're giving them the idea that, oh, when I work well with other people's, we can accomplish a goal.

00:44:47.190 --> 00:44:57.045
That's really what I want my kid understanding as they go into the real world, along with work, ethic and striving, and you're gonna have to earn things Again.

00:44:57.045 --> 00:44:58.210
That's my base platform.

00:44:58.210 --> 00:45:04.032
If my kid's great on the power play and he hasn't learned that, I have really failed as a parent, in my opinion.

00:45:04.032 --> 00:45:08.076
So, yeah, michael, great question.

00:45:08.076 --> 00:45:10.432
I mean really great question, because we can't answer it.

00:45:10.432 --> 00:45:17.869
You know, and this is what I would say to the audience that's listening I invite you to share your opinions on this because there's gonna be a lot of them.

00:45:17.869 --> 00:45:24.291
So, wherever you're seeing this episode or you can email us team at ourkidsplayhockeycom, join our Facebook group Our Kids Play Hockey.

00:45:24.291 --> 00:45:26.771
This is one that's gonna drum up a lot of discussion.

00:45:26.771 --> 00:45:30.333
I'd also like to open it up to you of parents.

00:45:30.333 --> 00:45:32.391
What has worked for you in the past?

00:45:32.391 --> 00:45:35.333
Have you had great communication with the coach with this?

00:45:35.333 --> 00:45:41.992
Or do you have horror stories, like the defensive alliance emailing Mike in the middle of a game, which Mike, you've never told me?

00:45:41.992 --> 00:45:42.293
That story?

00:45:42.293 --> 00:45:43.771
That is actually insanity to me.

00:45:43.771 --> 00:45:47.188
It's like the goal to do that, and I don't know these people.

00:45:47.545 --> 00:45:48.552
When my kids are done playing hockey.

00:45:48.552 --> 00:45:52.932
You know, coach, doing a game when all my kids are done playing hockey, I'm gonna out them, but I got a little ways to go.

00:45:53.505 --> 00:45:54.771
Yeah, listen, you might as well buy that URL.

00:45:54.771 --> 00:45:57.152
It's actually a pretty good name defensivealliancecom.

00:45:57.152 --> 00:45:59.451
You can email to create that.

00:45:59.451 --> 00:46:03.650
Again, no crazy hockey parent thinks they're the crazy hockey parent.

00:46:03.650 --> 00:46:08.331
Michael, I know you're not a crazy hockey parent because you took the time to eat to send this to us.

00:46:08.331 --> 00:46:09.347
Remember that.

00:46:09.347 --> 00:46:12.954
Nobody thinks they're the crazy hockey parent.

00:46:12.954 --> 00:46:14.451
All right, you gotta you might be.

00:46:14.451 --> 00:46:16.612
You know what it means.

00:46:16.612 --> 00:46:18.972
Yeah, mike raises his head for those of you listening.

00:46:18.972 --> 00:46:20.489
All right, that was a great episode.

00:46:20.489 --> 00:46:21.849
Gonna encourage all of you again.

00:46:21.849 --> 00:46:24.494
If you've got a question, you can email us again.

00:46:24.494 --> 00:46:25.588
Team it out, kids play hockey.

00:46:25.588 --> 00:46:30.048
You can send us, you can DM it to us the audio of your question or you can just write the question.

00:46:30.048 --> 00:46:35.889
We love getting submissions from you Because, again, we have plenty of topics we can talk about, but we're really here to serve you.

00:46:35.889 --> 00:46:43.092
So, michael from Arizona, who's kids in 12, you travel Really appreciate you doing that and we appreciate all you listening to this episode.

00:46:43.092 --> 00:46:44.690
This is a bit of fun one, mike.

00:46:44.690 --> 00:46:46.070
Like I said, we don't usually get questions.

00:46:46.070 --> 00:46:47.989
It's like man, it's hard to answer that.

00:46:49.233 --> 00:46:53.251
All right, now it's all good and I do keep them coming and I guess I'm sure there's plenty of opinions.

00:46:53.251 --> 00:47:03.811
I'd love to hear them because you know I'm a Monday morning coach and you know definitely could use some good strategies to help fight those.

00:47:04.284 --> 00:47:06.733
Yeah, well, that's it for this episode of Our Kids Play Hockey.

00:47:06.733 --> 00:47:07.951
I want to thank all of you for listening.

00:47:07.951 --> 00:47:10.293
Enjoy your week every day, including Monday.

00:47:10.293 --> 00:47:11.931
We'll see you on the next kids.

00:47:11.931 --> 00:47:14.068
Oh wow, we'll see you on the next.

00:47:14.068 --> 00:47:15.568
Our Kids Play Hockey Skate on everybody.

00:47:15.568 --> 00:47:19.094
We hope you enjoyed this edition of Our Kids Play Hockey.

00:47:19.094 --> 00:47:28.291
Make sure to like and subscribe right now if you found value, wherever you're listening, whether it's a podcast network, a social media network or our website, ourkidsplayhockeycom.

00:47:28.291 --> 00:47:33.313
Also, make sure to check out our children's book when Hockey Stops at whenhockeystopscom.

00:47:33.313 --> 00:47:38.028
It's a book that helps children deal with adversity in the game and in life.

00:47:38.028 --> 00:47:39.132
We're very proud of it.

00:47:39.132 --> 00:47:48.610
But thanks so much for listening to this edition of Our Kids Play Hockey and we'll see you on the next episode '.