Notes From A Youth Hockey Elder

Lee MJ Elias [0:08 - 1:48]: Hello, hockey friends and families around the world. And welcome back to another edition of your favorite show, our kids play hockey. It's Lee Elias with Mike Benelli and Christie Casciano Burns. The full band back together for today's topic. It's gonna be a good one. This one's called notes from a hockey elder. Now, what do we mean by that? Starts with a story. I was at the rink yesterday watching my daughter play her second year of mites, and I was. As I was watching her, I started realizing I was insanely calm. No anxiety, no pressure, no. Oh, my goodness. Get the puck and score. Don't let the puck in the net. I was just there enjoying the game. Now, this is my fifth year in youth hockey with my own kids. Obviously been around youth hockey many, many years. All right, and as you all know, Mike and Christie are very experienced in the youth hockey segment. So we wanted to do a show today about maybe how to quell some of the anxiety you may be feeling. Whether you're a new hockey parent or an experienced hockey parent. We all feel it from time to time. But, my friends, I have been very, very common at peace at the rinks this year, and I thought we should share why that may be happening. Okay? So we're going to go around the horn here today, all right? My two mentors are Mike Benelli and Christie Casciano Burns, all right? And they have probably helped me get to this state of nirvana when it comes to youth hockey. So you would behoove yourself being a linguist today by listening to them today. Christie, you are the elder hockey God of this group. Both of your children have gone through the entire program. They are great, amazing citizens of the world. They're also very intelligent. They're doing amazing things. Of course, it's all because of hockey and the parenting. Why don't you dive into some of your notes? 

Christie Casciano [1:48 - 1:51]: Yeah. You've come a long way, baby. 

Lee MJ Elias [1:51 - 2:05]: I really have. From that first game my son played, where my. I was told that that would happen. Your heart will be in your chest. And I remember that it happened to me to just being like, oh, this is great. After doing hockey, it was weird. 

Christie Casciano [2:05 - 2:08]: Wait till the checking starts. We're gonna go through this again. 

Lee MJ Elias [2:08 - 2:10]: Yeah. Yeah, that's true. 

Christie Casciano [2:10 - 2:41]: So I kind of liken it, too. When you have your first kid, your first baby, you've got a newborn baby, right? And then they're into the whole pacifier, right? The pacifier falls on the floor. What do you do? You run, you grab it, you go over to the stove, you boil it. You make sure it's pristine. All the puddles are pristine. The floors, all the plugs are it. Right. You're baby now. The second kid comes around, fire falls on the floor. You pick it up. 

Lee MJ Elias [2:41 - 2:42]: The beach you used to call it. 

Christie Casciano [2:42 - 3:40]: Kind of wipe it on your sleeve and just stick it in their mouth. Kind of like that. I was like, you've been through it. All the pins and needles and those eggshells you were walking on have disappeared because you've got now a whole bunch of experience under your belt. And you draw from that and you realize it's not so scary. It's okay. When they fall and kids topple on top of them, they run into the boards. Your heart is. Oh, my gosh. And they get back up. So I think it just comes from having been through it. And then you realize I'm still breathing, I still have a pulse. I'm okay. My brain is totally scrambled. And you draw from your experiences. So the second time around, because this is your second time around, it's not so crazy, right? And you're not so crazy. 

Lee MJ Elias [3:40 - 3:40]: Yeah. 

Christie Casciano [3:40 - 3:44]: You know, a lot to do with it, having gone through it. 

Lee MJ Elias [3:44 - 4:02]: You're reminding me of when I picked up my son, my firstborn, the first, I think it took me ten minutes to pick him up the very first time. Because, you know, we all know how babies are. They, nothing moves. It's just like a. It's a weird. And my daughter I scooped up in 5 seconds just. Oh, there you are. Yeah, but I think that's a really good analogy. 

Christie Casciano [4:02 - 4:06]: Right? You're terrified. Oh, my gosh. Am I going to drown the kid? Right? 

Mike Bonelli [4:06 - 4:07]: No. 

Christie Casciano [4:07 - 4:08]: Yeah. 

Lee MJ Elias [4:08 - 4:09]: And I'll tell you this too, Chrissy. 

Christie Casciano [4:09 - 5:15]: You through it, you know, and it's. It and then you learn. And always, it's always good to draw on other parents, too. That's why this show is, I think is. I wish this show was around when my little Joey started playing hockey. Wow. It would have really helped ease a lot of the bump. And there were a lot of bumps in that first year of being a hockey parenthood. It was so foreign to me because my husband in Blay hockey, as a figure skater, I didn't know anything about this new language and culture and. And I didn't know how to dress and I didn't know anything. It was really overwhelming. That's why I'm really glad we have so many new parents aboard this show because we're going to help you get through it. And there's so much wisdom past in each episode. You folks are so lucky to have, and not just the three of us, but the experts that we have on the show, too. So I'd love to hear Mike chime in. What would you say to Lee? Aren't you proud of him? 

Lee MJ Elias [5:18 - 5:19]: Yeah. 

Mike Bonelli [5:19 - 6:56]: No, listen. Well, it is. I think it's crazy that we talk about. It doesn't. We do a lot, right? We talk a little bit. We talk all the time about real life. I know. I know hockey is real life, but it's really not real life. It's like we talk about having kids. You know, when you're, your kid gets on the school bus for the first time, your kid does something extreme or dangerous, and then you get into sports and you get wacky. Like, you get, you lose your mind. Like, you're just like, it's like this. Like, you throw out all of the. The tendencies of normalcy. So it's great that Lee can sit back and pre reflect on what he's doing and the actions that he's going to, you know, the energy he's going to put in that really doesn't result in any kind of positive, you know, endgame for him. And I think. But that's because of reflection. That's because. That's why, Christie, you can talk to your. When you're ahead, when your kids have kids, you could sit back and say. And watch the craziness, right? And like, Lee's dad and my parents would always say, like, my parents watch me trying to do things as a father, and it's just very amusing to them. It's. And I look at that way I look at it as a hockey parent in rinks. Listen, I was at a rink yesterday where two grown adults took their shirts off and wanted to fight in the parking lot. So, so still going on. 

Lee MJ Elias [6:56 - 6:57]: They were. 

Mike Bonelli [6:57 - 7:29]: So, to me, to me, like, that is amusing to me, it's sad and amusing. And I just. Because there's no reflection point there. It's all ego, it's all insanity. So it didn't result in anything. So Lee being able to sit back and saying, okay, my first kid went through this, and I had the nerves and I had. I was, you know, in a lot of ways repressed what I really wanted to do. 

Christie Casciano [7:29 - 7:29]: Right? 

Mike Bonelli [7:29 - 7:47]: Because I was like, well, if I do that, then what's the point? Like, what do I get? What's the end game for me? And I think that's what. But I think that's where the frustration piece is for somebody like me, who gets asked a lot on what my opinion is. 

Christie Casciano [7:47 - 7:48]: Mm hmm. 

Mike Bonelli [7:48 - 8:38]: And then it just doesn't get filed anyway. So I appreciate that Lee. I appreciate that Lee is listening to the podcast and taking it in well and using it, because I wish. I wish more people would understand that this is not just us speaking and just going and saying what our philosophy is. It's just seeing thousands and thousands and thousands. My case has literally thousands of parents in the exact same situation by the glass, watching their kid trip over the blue line, embarrassing their family name and not reacting or climbing the glass and scolding their kid and giving them hand signals. So I can appreciate where Lee has evolved to, but we got a lot of work to do. 

Lee MJ Elias [8:38 - 8:53]: Well, I got to say this. I got to say this about you. Yeah, no, I've got many years of this to come. Look, just to echo what you're saying, when we went into pre production to create this show, which is almost five years ago, if you can believe it. 

Mike Bonelli [8:53 - 8:54]: How is that possible? 

Lee MJ Elias [8:54 - 10:00]: Yeah, I know, right? The thought was a few things. One is that, Christie, what you said, there's really nothing out there sharing this kind of information. That was one thing. The other thought was that there has to be an audience of people that want to do this the way that we're talking about it, because at that time, everybody was crazy, a crazy hockey parent. And we just had the belief that, okay, there's got to be people out there that don't want to subscribe to that. And I said, we'll be dead in the water pretty quick if we're wrong. And luckily, we were right. Thank you, all of you that listen. But we also talked about how I would be the guinea pig for this. Right. Because when we created the show, it was really my first year of being a parent. Right. Again, having been involved in hockey. And to both of your points, I do listen to the stuff that we talk about and the ability that I had to a apply a lot of the things that we talk about from both of you who I say are mentors all the time, but also all the guests that we have. But also, I think the other key, and this is for the audience listening, was to recognize certain things. I recognize that. 

Mike Bonelli [10:00 - 10:01]: Oh, wow. 

Lee MJ Elias [10:01 - 14:19]: I'm feeling this thing that Christie and Mike said I would feel. Even though I told myself, I'll be fine, it still. It still hits you. Now, I do want to say this, too. While. While I'm at ease with my daughter, I'm also at ease with my son, who's a goalie, which. That doesn't make any sense to a lot of people. Now he's playing at the highest level he's ever played at. He is the full time goalie for the team. He is the starter for the team. That's just how it worked out this year in terms of, there's only one goalie on this team, which I'm not ecstatic about, but it is what it is, and I feel nothing but pride in him. I'm just very proud of him. And it has nothing to do with the results of the game. It's just the way he has developed. And again, I attribute a lot of this to you two as well, is he came up to me the other day, and hockey parents, listen, this is the greatest thing I've ever heard from him involving the game. And he just, without any prompting, just goes, man, I just love playing goalie. I just love playing hockey. I love it. And here's the thing, going back to one of our episodes, what do I tell them before every single ice session? I love you no matter what happens out there, and I love to watch you play. So the result of that, my daughter says this, too. I mean, again, she's younger, but when we say we're going to skate, that's more comforting to me than any win or championship or great save or great goal that they get. Those are all fun things outside the losses. They're all fun. Like, losing still sucks, don't get me wrong, but it's never the definition. And again, I think I've said this before on the show, but again, my son's playing really well, and so is my daughter, by my estimation. But they say, well, how are you so calm when he gets scored on? I said, because pucks are going to go in the net because we're playing hockey, right. And it's like, you know, he'll learn or he won't, and we'll move on with our lives. And just from listening to you two, this is the notes I have here. I think one thing that this show has taught me, and again, we're talking notes from a hockey elder here, right. Is the acceptance. And this is hard, friends, the acceptance. You just have very little control over what's going to happen out there, right. I think that we'll just say the crazy hockey parent have a really mutated belief that they have some control over the game. The parent doing the hand signals, what you're doing is controlling, hurting the game. But my point is, like, you don't have any control, and you got to let these kids live their lives. One of the best piece of advice is the best pieces of advice. Excuse me. I got really, before they even play in hockey, is to remember they're not you. We always talk about, oh, that. That. My son's like me. My daughter's like my. They're not me. They're not my wife. Right. They're separate, whole human beings. And when you focus on developing that, even though they probably have attributes that you have, it changes the game. Right. The other thing, too, is that I think something that this show taught me that made me very calm, or I should say more calm than normal. There's tense moments. Right. But the difference between competition and being competitive. Right. And I don't think we do a good job in youth hockey of separating those two things. I want my athletes, all the kids, I coach my own kids to be very, very competitive. I want that. It's not really something you can teach. It's something that goes, but I don't merge that with the competition. So I don't equate that to the win and loss. If my team loses, and I know they did everything they could, I'm proud. I really am. And here's the thing. If they didn't do everything they could, it's a learning opportunity. And if they didn't do everything they could ten games in a row, it's a conversation like, do you want to be doing this? Right. So those are some of the things I keep in my mind is that a. I listened, really listen to everything that said from the people that are ahead of me. Two is I really focus on what I control, and I have more control than most in this situation, being the coach parents, I'm sometimes envious of those of you that can just go there and watch. Right. Because I got to watch a game and really think about how am I going to activate some of these things at practice, which I enjoy doing, but, like, I want to be the soccer parent just with the easy chair and the cool drink that's not actually, you know, non alcoholic and just enjoying the game. But I want to throw that in, guys, because I've learned from both of you. And I do believe when checking comes in, yes, that's another hurdle. But I'm well prepared. 

Mike Bonelli [14:19 - 14:22]: We'll check back in, but no pun intended there. 

Christie Casciano [14:23 - 16:02]: What you said about what you say to your kids and all the research points to that being so valid that what kids really want to hear from their parents, they don't want to come off the ice, and you being right in the ear to tell them what they did wrong and how they could have played better. That's the last thing a parent should be doing as soon as your kid steps off the ice. All the research has shown what kids want to hear from parents most. I love to watch you play. Win, lose, tie, it doesn't matter. I'm here to support you and I love to watch you play. That's the most significant piece of advice that all three of us can give to you because it's proven it works. It's important stay away from being the coach in the stance. Especially, as Lee said, giving your kid hand signals while on the ice. You are going to cause so much confusion with your kid. You're going to cause them to be so conflicted because, I mean, think about it. So you're in the stands telling them what you think they should be doing. The coach is telling them something totally different. How do you think your kid feels? Your kid's coming off the ice thinking, okay, I'm supposed to be listening to my coach, but I don't want to disappoint mom and dad. What do you think that does to their brains, to their hearts? That's just the worst thing that you could be doing. It needs to be. And we talked about this before like a triangle. You have that communication. Coach, kid, parenthood. All three of you need to be on the same page. And then he's just starting the beginning of the season. 

Mike Bonelli [16:03 - 16:03]: Yeah. 

Lee MJ Elias [16:03 - 17:34]: You know, Christie, very famous coach. Many of you may know Dawn Staley, who's a hall of fame NCAA coach. I was at a conference with her once, and they had asked her about, how do you deal with parents? Again, this is a top division one coach. She has won, I think, more national championships than anyone. And she said, we have Zoom meetings with the parents. And there was almost a gasp from the crowd, like, you involved the parents. And she said, it's real simple. They're the most influential person in these kids lives. If we don't involve them, what do you think is going to happen? She goes, 20 years ago, we didn't do that, but the world's changed. We have to have them involved. So I love that triangle methodology that you're talking about because it really, look, it takes a village. It takes a village, especially when you're dealing with younger kids. But to your point, don't interfere. You know, here's two things I want to mention about what you just said. Number one, when you tell your kid that you love them, no matter what happens, you love watching them play parents. I know they may be looking out the window and acting like, they don't hear you. They hear you. Especially when you say it every time. All right. You got to think about when you were a kid. Like, you heard your parents when they repeated stuff over and over again. You might not have activated it right away, but you heard it. So believe that. That they hear it. Number two, is that the hand signals, the communication piece, like you're talking about. The kids notice that on the bench, too. And this is, I think, a big mistake that I think people don't. Oh, no. People don't notice that we're doing. Everyone knows that you're doing. 

Mike Bonelli [17:34 - 17:34]: Yes. 

Lee MJ Elias [17:34 - 17:57]: Everyone knows that you're doing it. The coach knows, the teammates know, the kid know. And you know. And the other parents all know that you're doing it. No one's that crafty. You could hide a bug in the helmet with a walkie. Talk. I need you to go left on the next face. Everyone knows you're doing it. And when you teach a kid to not listen to the coach, even if you think that coach is a maniac and doesn't know what they're doing, they're still hurting the kid. 

Christie Casciano [17:57 - 17:58]: You are. 

Lee MJ Elias [17:58 - 18:02]: All right? Learn how to deal with that. They need to learn how to deal with a coach they don't like. 

Christie Casciano [18:02 - 18:03]: Right? 

Lee MJ Elias [18:03 - 18:18]: Right. And Christie, like. Like we said, I. We. Mike, too. We've had a lot of NHL parents on this show, a lot of NHL athletes. We have not had one parent that has said to us, yeah, no, we used to do hand signals during the game, and that's why this kid made the NHL, because we did the hand signals. 

Mike Bonelli [18:18 - 18:19]: Now. 

Lee MJ Elias [18:19 - 18:23]: Now, there was one story about somebody doing that, but it doesn't work that way. 

Christie Casciano [18:23 - 18:24]: No, no. 

Mike Bonelli [18:24 - 18:25]: Yeah. 

Christie Casciano [18:26 - 18:31]: What do you think, Mike? Let's hear from you. I know you're chomping at the bit here. 

Mike Bonelli [18:32 - 19:17]: I'm just listening because, I mean, it all seems so much. It all seems so common sense, right? That you know what we should be doing and how we should be working with our kids. And I. And it just. You get. I don't know, you get emotional and I think. And I think. I don't know. Sometimes I get that way if I wa. If I'm watching my kids, like, at a. Like a band recital, I mean, like, I'm like, oh, like, jeez, he should have practiced more, man, that kid. Like, what's that kid even doing in this band? Like that. Like, that kid shouldn't be in this band. Like, it's just terrible. It's ruining the whole experience for everyone. But it just so but then I think it's just. It's. In sports, it's hyperdevelop. I don't know if it's hyper noticed or we just. We just react because it's. 

Lee MJ Elias [19:17 - 19:23]: Cause there's a win and loss scenario. That's why there's no win and loss in band. It's just, you should have practiced. 

Mike Bonelli [19:23 - 20:23]: Oh, we're all losing then, you know, listening when you're sitting in the auditorium. But I think it's just like, I think it's. I think it's. I just think it's. But, but why isn't I just. Again. And I think that the emotion comes to out of the fact you have the same type of people all surrounded in the same area. Like, like when you talk to normal people, they think you're insane. Like, when you talk to a person, it's like, what happens at these games? Like, what do you do every weekend? Or what did you sacrifice, like, another part of society, which probably doesn't listen to this show says you're. Well, to Lee's tagline. Right. The hockey. You're not crazy. Hockey's crazy. And. But people outside of us and sport lacrosse, baseball, soccer, football, outside of that world, which, again, I'm not really a part of because I don't. That's. Who has time to interact with normal people. 

Lee MJ Elias [20:23 - 20:25]: Yeah, we're hired parents. Time for that. 

Mike Bonelli [20:28 - 20:34]: But I think when you go, like, when you go to a family event with family members, have kids that don't play any sport. 

Christie Casciano [20:34 - 20:35]: Right. 

Mike Bonelli [20:35 - 21:08]: It's such a different conversation. Like, they look at you like, like something like you're, you're so. You're hanging everything on this eleven year old. Yeah. And your whole life's revolving around this eleven year old. Like, you know, I was talking to my wife, we were laughing and she goes, I don't think my father. And she was an all state all star captain of field hockey and soccer, the whole thing. Her father never saw her play in high school, ever because he worked. He was working. Games are at 03:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday, you know, so, like, we've just changed. The whole society has changed. Where? 

Christie Casciano [21:08 - 21:08]: Oh, it has. 

Mike Bonelli [21:09 - 21:31]: Changing their whole lives around youth sports, which has caused this whole other explosion of craziness because we can't not care because now we're all invested together, right? As opposed to like, hey, how'd the game go yesterday? I scored five goals and I was the best player on the field. Or exactly. Like, that's great for you. That's great for you. Eat your eat your feet. Yeah. 

Christie Casciano [21:31 - 21:36]: And, you know, our parents used to just drop us off of practices, and then they never went to the games. 

Mike Bonelli [21:36 - 21:42]: They're too busy because there was no investment. There was no, like, there was no, like, I'm getting this out of this. 

Christie Casciano [21:42 - 21:42]: Yeah. 

Mike Bonelli [21:42 - 21:46]: Now it's become, I'm putting you in this because I want to get this out of this. 

Lee MJ Elias [21:46 - 22:55]: I gotta tell you guys, this last season, this is a kind of a sobering moment for me. And again, for all the parents listening, I should have prefaced in the beginning, I'm not bragging about what I'm talking about. I'm. I want to share this because I think a lot of you can get to this place, too. And I'm not saying I don't have stressful moments. I'm just saying I'm pretty calm most of the time. All right. Um, but, you know, one of the things you just said last season, I remember dropping my son off for practice, and there were no parents there, Mike, or very few. And I was like, where is everybody? And somebody reminded me, like, well, like, we don't have to be here. Right? And it was like, the first time I clicked, it's like, I don't need to be here. What am I doing? Why am I here? Why am I right now not on the ice? I don't. It's like, I've got work to do. So, you know, he obviously told my, my kid he was because I had never done that before. But, hey, you know what, man? I'm just going to go to the Starbucks and work for a little bit. And to my surprise, he's like, yeah, okay, cool. It's just like, right back on the ice, I was like, I don't need to be here. Hawkeyeing him all the time. But that was a realization I had to come to, right? Like, so that's what I'm saying. It's like, it's like there was this crazy thought of, like, I have to be here, and I don't. Right. 

Mike Bonelli [22:55 - 23:04]: Well, and I, and I, and I've been on the other side. I've been on the other side of that, where I've been like, listen, if you're gonna be here, Lee, I'm on the ice. I'm assigning you something to do. 

Christie Casciano [23:04 - 23:05]: Sure. 

Mike Bonelli [23:05 - 23:13]: Sit here by the glass and watch me. I'm assigning you. And then, so you know what parents do? They start, they go out for a run, or they go do some errands. 

Lee MJ Elias [23:13 - 23:14]: I don't want to. 

Mike Bonelli [23:16 - 23:19]: Wait a minute. Wait a minute. You can't. I'm just sitting here watching. 

Lee MJ Elias [23:19 - 23:23]: Tell them to run the clock at practice. No, I need 20 minutes on the. On the other thing for practice. 

Christie Casciano [23:23 - 23:31]: Yeah, but that was me. I got a lot of errands done when the kids were at the hockey practice. All my Christmas shopping done. It was fantastic. 

Mike Bonelli [23:31 - 23:38]: There wasn't an investment in your brain, like, you weren't saying, like, I've invested in this. So let's. Let me see where my investment is. 

Lee MJ Elias [23:38 - 25:29]: Maturing the investments in the coaching staff to do their job at the practice. And that's. That's kind of like I got to trust these people to do their job, whether they do it well or not. Christie, you just made a good point. Go get some stuff done. You know, it's a straight. A great stress reliever. Go to the store and buy groceries, get it out of the way, do the work you had to do. Now, again, there were way more parents, way more advanced in that than I was at the time. I figured this out, keeping in mind, like, they're not all on the ice all the time, but that was one, uh. The other thing I wanted to say, too, and I think this is a theme, too. Uh, and I gotta say this kind of broadly, you gotta understand what ego is. You got to understand how ego plays into it. Your kid is not the reflection of your family or you that you probably think. And if you think that way, believe me, every other parent is probably thinking that way. And the truth is this. I heard this great saying. You guys are both going to laugh at this, that I found to be true. The first third of your life, you worry about what everybody else thinks. The second third of your life, you don't really worry about too much what other people think. And then the third third of your life, you realize nobody really cared to begin with. Nobody was paying attention to you. Nobody cared. Right? And I think it's just the decision of knowing that quote and applying it a little bit earlier. Right. And when I say I don't care, it's not that I don't care about you as a person, and I don't care about your kid or anything like that. I'm saying that I feel like I got a grip because of you two, where all this really ranks in the ethos of life. And the truth is this, my friend, it is not that. It's just not that big of a deal, right? As much as we make it. And when your kid turns around, gives up the puck, and it's a game winning goal, no one's leaving that rink and thinking for the next five years. Well, that kid screwed us all. All of us are screwed now. Because, you know, actually what they're usually thinking is, ah, that's a tough play. I hope they're all right. I hope the family's okay. That's a tough one. 

Mike Bonelli [25:29 - 25:29]: Yeah. 

Lee MJ Elias [25:29 - 25:29]: Yeah. 

Mike Bonelli [25:29 - 25:38]: But you know what? It is a big deal. It is a big deal when you do, when you're, when you're doing all this that you think is the right thing to do, and it's not. The hand signals, the, the questioning. 

Lee MJ Elias [25:38 - 25:39]: Good point. 

Mike Bonelli [25:39 - 25:52]: And then it's a big deal because then when your kid quits and you make a bad experience for them, you're actually doing what you didn't want to do in the first place. Like, the whole idea, like, then now they're doing nothing. 

Lee MJ Elias [25:52 - 25:52]: Right? 

Mike Bonelli [25:52 - 25:58]: And now we're in a situation where, like, my God, I can't have my son daughter just sitting around the house doing nothing. 

Lee MJ Elias [25:58 - 26:02]: It was a self prophecy, Mike, because you've never taught them to be independent. 

Christie Casciano [26:02 - 26:03]: Right, right. 

Mike Bonelli [26:03 - 26:39]: But it's just like, if you really enjoy, like, me, I love. I do. I love going to the rink and watching hockey, even bad hockey. I just like watching. I like my kids playing. I like watching other kids get better. I like, I just like it. I like, I love. I do like the drama. I'm like, oh, my God, that is unbelievable, like, what that guy's saying right now, or, oh, you know, and then, you know, my favorite now is sitting back and hearing other parents like, well, you know what the USA hockey rule is on that? And this. I'm like, that's not accurate at all. And I don't, I don't chime in. I don't. Like, sometimes somebody's like, oh, are you Mike Benelli? I'm like, all the. Really depends on. 

Lee MJ Elias [26:39 - 26:40]: Depends who's asking? 

Mike Bonelli [26:41 - 26:45]: If you're asking, oh, you did a clinic with me back in, you know, 19, you know, whatever, so. 

Lee MJ Elias [26:45 - 26:46]: 19 hundreds. 

Mike Bonelli [26:46 - 27:10]: Yeah. So I love that kind of stuff. So I like being around the rink, and I like being in an area where I feel comfortable and like. But what? I don't. But. But I think what happens is I, like, I don't want my kids quitting and playing basketball because I don't. I hate basketball. Like, I can't even watch it. So, like, to me, it's like, oh, like, okay, do something that I like you doing because that's what I like. 

Lee MJ Elias [27:10 - 28:30]: Well, listen, you're bringing up a great point. I think that it's perfect. For this episode, notes from a hockey elder. Right. When your kid is playing the sport you played, it totally changes how you approach this as a parent. Right. Cause I remember when my kids play baseball, softball, soccer, it was always easier for me to be more calm at those events because I just didn't play those games. And I don't know. I don't know those sports. Like, I know hockey. And I think in hockey, it's not everybody, but a lot of people in hockey have someone who played and probably played a long time. So it creates this aura of like, no, no, I know what I'm talking about because I played, and I say this quote all the time about coaches, but this is true for parents, too. Good coaches know everything. Great coaches know they know nothing because the game is evolving all the time. Obviously, it's a metaphor, right? Or it's a. It's a saying. But I wrote that as a note. You got to remember, yeah, you might have played and you might have been great. I'm not. I'm not even. It's nothing to do with the skill level, but you're bringing that, and you might put that out on your kid. I'm like, no, but I could do this at that age. As I said earlier, that kid's not you. They might not have your athletic ability. They might have more athletic ability. They might not have the cognitive stuff yet. I also wrote here, I'm writing a lot of notes where you guys are talking, because I'm realizing these things while we're talking. You got to know the long game of this sport. 

Mike Bonelli [28:30 - 28:31]: Yeah. 

Lee MJ Elias [28:31 - 31:04]: It might take your kid four or five years to develop a skill. It might click, and another kid might have it on day one. There are mights. I remember this when my son started playing that incredible shots right away, and it took my son, keep on. He's a goalie now, but took him longer for that to click. Granted, his skills in other parts of the game advanced quicker. It's Christie, going back to the baby analogy. Some kids talk early, some kids talk late. Some kids walk early. Some kids walk late. You have got to play the long game. There is no skill. And, Mike, you can correct me if I'm wrong here. There's no skill in hockey that I can think of that any youth athlete will perfect. Youth athlete on day one, even if you're great at it, you got to take the time to build up the muscle memory, so you got to play the long game. And a lot of times I see coaches wrote like they're, well, we worked on that three weeks ago. Well, you got to work on it 16 weeks in a row, man. You can't just work on it one week. Now, as they get older, that time does shorten. Right. When I work with pro athletes, they can typically get a skill pretty quick, but they still got to build the muscle memory. But that might take three days instead of three months. But when you're a youth hockey parent and you say, I just don't understand why they don't do this, you got to pump. It might take some time, or. Or maybe it's not being communicated. I'll give a great example, and then I'll throw it back to you both. We're talking the younger kids here, okay? In hockey, I've been saying this to my team a lot. You're always in motion. When you're on the ice, you're most likely in motion, but you might not be moving. And so you hear parents say, don't glide skate. You got to skate. The kid might not realize they're not skating because they're in motion. This is. It sounds obvious, but this is a common thing. I see. No, I am moving. Yes, you're in motion. So, I had a player that I sat down recently. I showed a video of one of their shifts. I was very complimentary to this player. I said, hey, look, I like the way you play hockey. I think you got a lot of potential, but I want to show you this shift. And then what I didn't do is say, look at this. Look at that. Look at this. I said, right? This is all. I said, what do you see? And he looked me right in the eye. He goes, I'm not skating. I could go get on the ice, and you could see immediately the change. It clicked, and the feet were moving, and he was going. But weeks and weeks, we were trying to figure this out, and we just had to find the right way. And navigating that aspect of it as a parent, as a coach, can be fun if you don't stress out about it too much. But you got to play the long game. 

Christie Casciano [31:04 - 32:18]: You got to play the long game. And I think it's important, too. This is really hard for parents. Kids learn by doing. Kids learn by practicing. Kids also learn. And I know it's hard to watch. It's hard to swallow this one, but kids learn from failure, okay? Parents don't like to see their kids fail. They can't stand it. But here's the thing. Sometimes there are a lot of failures before you see success. That's a tough pill for parents to swallow, but it is the truth. And I can tell you that from experience, and I can hear both of my kids who. It took them a while to get the skills for it to click, and there was a lot of failure along the way, but eventually, they overcame that on their own without me giving hand signals in the stands to their success. And both of them had really successful hockey careers. But you got to sit through the pain, and you got to bear it. Okay, parents, you can't get in there and put. Try to be. Fix everything for them. It's not the way to do it. 

Lee MJ Elias [32:19 - 32:25]: The greatest gift you can give them is being them, being there for them in those moments and not overbearing them. 

Christie Casciano [32:26 - 32:28]: Unconditional love. That's it. 

Lee MJ Elias [32:28 - 32:28]: Go ahead, Mike. 

Mike Bonelli [32:29 - 33:17]: Remember, isn't a failure. Watching them fail is just inconvenient for you as a parent. Just take. It's just much so. So that's hard. It is. It is a gift, because you're like, oh, my God. Let me just. Let me just do this because this is too long. This is taking me too long. And I think we've had an episode on this a long time ago. We did. When we talked about, you know, if you're. If you want your son and daughter to learn how to get themselves dressed and do their own skates, then you. Instead of blowing up, like I would, you need to. You need to put the time in and say, we've got to. We've got to create a 20 minutes buffer to get to the rink to allow the breathing exercises to come in play and allow the failure of watching your son or daughter tie their skates incorrectly for 20 minutes. Like, yeah, or else it's going to be like, forget it. You don't know how to do it. We'll do it another time. 

Christie Casciano [33:17 - 33:19]: I'll do it. I'll do it. 

Mike Bonelli [33:19 - 34:24]: So, yes, that's. So that's. Is that really a risky thing? No, that's nothing. Failure. It's like. Like, failure is if you're going to be able to do it. No, I got my skates that I can tie myself and you clearly can't. Right? Like, you clearly can't do it. And they go on the ice, and they go on a very expensive sheet of ice with a coach that doesn't have the same patience, watching them with their ankles bend in and their skates falling off. So to me, that's where I think, like, I can speak to a lot of people in the audience where I'm like, that. Yes, that. That's their problem. Right? That's their failure. But it's inconveniencing me because I've got to watch this knucklehead try to tell me that his skates are, you know, and then depending on your kid, he could be like, nope, it's tight enough. It's fine. It's not. This is not good. Right? So. So it's just. And I've, you know, gone through that whole thing, and I've watched other parents go through that. Now, in my. And not in my defense, but in other parents defense, there are plenty of people that go, screw it. I don't care. I don't even know. I don't even know this case is supposed to be tied. They just go off and do their own thing for me. 

Lee MJ Elias [34:24 - 34:31]: I'm like, the kids figure it out, though. They figure it out. Whether they ask you or not. They figure it out. 

Mike Bonelli [34:31 - 35:04]: No doubt. Or they don't. Like, I guess that's my point, is to most people, like, when I talk to them, they look, oh, Mike, what about my slap shot? What about my kids? I go, they will figure it out. Or they won't. Or they won't. And guess what? They're nothing like you. You said some kids just mature early, get a shot and get a great. Have a great stride. They could jump on the ice. Like, has that kid ever skated before? I see kids at my. I've seen kids at my kids birthday parties. Like, on ice birthday parties that are better skaters than any kid I've seen. And the kid doesn't play hockey. I'm like, why doesn't the kid playing hockey? He just skate. He just loves skating. I'm like, yeah, well, that's. That's not even acceptable. That's weird, right? 

Christie Casciano [35:04 - 35:07]: Like, that's making the kids look bad. 

Mike Bonelli [35:07 - 35:32]: Yeah. Get off the ice. My kid, just 17 weeks of private lessons, and your kid's better than my kid. I don't like that. So it's a matter of saying, but it is. It's a heart. It's really building in your ability to withstand the pain of the kid not getting it right away and be able to breathe and let it go. And it's so hard. It's really, really hard. 

Lee MJ Elias [35:32 - 36:29]: This is where the triangle comes in, right? This is where the triangle comes in, too, because, like, I'll give you an example. Coaching squirts, right? This is where the kids can't really tie their skates yet, but they kind of want to, but they can't have. So we've instituted in our locker room of look, here's the deal. We'll help you tie your skates, but you, there have better been an attempt made, right. When we come over, the laces better have been tightened, right? Like, like it just can't be completely loose. Like you didn't care. Right. And we have a rule, you gotta be dressed 15 minutes before the game. We'll always help the kids, but we say you have to make an attempt, right. And what's happening is they're making the attempt and they might not tie them because they're waiting for us. But eventually a couple of them started saying, yeah, it's good, I got it. Right. But you gotta let them go through that. And obviously, we don't let parents in the locker room to help at that point. And we also firmly say, when you get to twelve, you, you guys are gonna wanna know how to do this because it's gonna be embarrassing if you can't tie your skates. That, that actually probably does more good than anything of the. You don't want the other kids to make fun of you. 

Mike Bonelli [36:30 - 37:01]: Well, too. You don't want, and, you know, if you don't want mom and dad in the locker room, then help us out here. Like, like, learn how to get yourself dressed properly and safely. Like, my, my issue is always like, you can't wear your shin guards like that, but you got to do something about this because you're going to get hurt, you're going to get caught, you're going to get hurt. And then, or whatever, or another kid, I see a kid like, walk, I'm like, jesus, like, can we help the kid, you know, buckle his helmet? So, but it's always, but again, so there, there are levels of letting the risk happen before somebody gets hurt. Right. 

Lee MJ Elias [37:01 - 37:34]: You're making me think of a funny thing here too, Mike. So my daughter, who's second year, might has been really getting herself dressed kind of since she started. And I realized I felt good and bad about this. I realized the reason that she knows how to get dressed is she's watched me struggle with my son for years. Not a great way. I would get very frustrated parents listening. This is what I'm saying. So this is the benefit of being the second child she saw that probably went like, I don't want to fight with dad or disappoint dad. That's just how the mind works. And so she gets herself dressed. 

Christie Casciano [37:34 - 37:35]: Yeah. 

Lee MJ Elias [37:35 - 38:19]: It's like, okay, it's weird because that situation with him taught her that. But I also, there's another thing. I also told my son, hey, you're the big brother. You're the firstborn. You kind of lead the way. But that you taught her that. I give him credit. Like, maybe I was a little bit too much on you, but you taught her that because of the way I did it. I make sure he knows that. I think that we. Well, at least I can say this for myself. I can't say this for all parents. I learned younger. I don't praise enough. Right. I wouldn't call myself a fault finder, but I do nitpick things, and I've realized I gotta praise just as much as I say things that are right or wrong. And that's part of my evolution as a hockey parent, too. Again, things I've learned from listening to this show. Right. 

Christie Casciano [38:19 - 38:43]: That's good that you recognize that, because I think you can get really caught up in the whole critiquing and picking things apart and, you know, digesting things too much. Well, that just kind of stepping back and say, hey, it's a great shift you had, or, yeah, a great job tying your skates. That's fantastic. You know, that constant reinforcement and pray, too. 

Lee MJ Elias [38:43 - 39:19]: I do it a lot now. I'll also say to just stories from. From the grind here, Mike. You know, when. When my son was starting to play goalie, a lot of new gear. You know, at first, you need a lot of help, and it's like, I kind of made the decision one day just to not go in the locker room, and guess what? He figured it out. He got dressed. It was. It's the diaper analogy. Get him out of diapers. One week, they're out of diapers. Right. Like, he figured it out. It's actually kind of fun to watch him get dressed. He knows what he's doing. Right. But you got to have that. That hands off. But it reduces my stress. And just kind of going back to the episode here is like, a lot of the stress is self inflicted. 

Christie Casciano [39:19 - 39:19]: Yeah. 

Lee MJ Elias [39:19 - 42:09]: Right. I'd say most of it. Right. And I think, again, rounding this out, we have a few minutes here. The key points from this, right. Is recognizing that you're feeling it and that it's completely normal and that other people have felt it. And again, the stress I feel. I can tell all of you listening, a lot of times I go, hey, they warned me about this. Christie told me this would happen. That's very comforting. Seeing the long game has really helped. Right. I'm going to say this, too. I'm not saying I don't get stressed. All right. When a game is really close. Of course, I want my, my. My kids teams to win, but I really don't base the value of anything on the win or the loss, especially at the ages they're at. Right. Again, quick story. I remember we were in an elementary school championship last year. I had a lot going on in my life at that time outside of hockey, so I was just beyond exhausted, just generally. And I remember in the final minutes of that game, it was in overtime. You know, I really wanted to win because my son and daughter on the team together, it's the only time they're going to be on the team. I've told this story once or twice, but I remember having this thought that no matter what happens here, we really did win the season. Right? Like, this was a great season. It doesn't mean I'm equating, like, if we lose, it's okay. I wanted to win the game. We did win the game. But I remember having that kind of calm feeling of, hey, we did a great job this year. This was a great year. No matter what happens. And if they lose, it's going to sting really bad. And if we win, it's going to be awesome. But we can't. And this is another tip. We cannot justify or summate the season on one moment. You just can't do that. The championship moment is a moment. A win is a win. But it's a moment. It's the 74 months you spend with each other in one year that makes it fun. Like I say, I was joke. Twelve more months to go. Only twelve more months to go. We got a couple minutes left. But again, I think this, too, my friends, and this is true, this was hard, but I've really got it down now. We don't talk about hockey in the car after the game unless they want to talk about it. And I've gotten really comfortable with that. All right, if my son or daughter want to talk, we'll talk. I don't bring it up. Parents, I know you have 15 things you want to say. Don't do it. I think that the pre game notes. I love you. I love watching you play the postgame notes, not coaching in the car. Those two things alone, I think, have reduced my stress dramatically because you start to realize they're kids. I think we forget they're just kids playing a dumb game that happens to be the best game in the world. Right? You got to remember that. And that you're not being judged. Not that it matters. You're not being judged by the other parents. And if you are you don't. You don't need those people in your life anyway, right? You don't need to worry about it. 

Mike Bonelli [42:09 - 43:16]: I try to normalize my craziness in the car because I'll say the same thing. Like, Arthur will come home from cooking class. I'll be like, well, what the hell did you do today? Like, what is this anyway? I mean, did you make this meal appropriately for other people to actually eat? And what was your ingredients? Tell me exactly what happened. So where you come from? Chess class. I want to go make me dinner. Who won? Did you get beat by a second grader? Again, this is unacceptable. Like, how could you allow this to happen? So if you normalize the car ride home in critiquing, then maybe the ride home from the rink is not so bad, right? You just make it a normal part of your day. But if you're not doing those things, why do it for hockey? Like, if you're not critiquing, like, what do you mean? In gym class that you did not score six goals in floor hockey. You're a hockey player. Those other kids don't play hockey. Like, so could you. How could you? And I hope you didn't wear your. Your Benelli jersey to the. To. To school, because you're embarrassing me. So I think it's like, this is the kind of stuff. If you can normalize it, that's great. But if. But if you're. If you're, you know, not you. If you're not using the car ride for coaching hockey, then, you know, or other things and don't do it for hockey does make. 

Lee MJ Elias [43:16 - 43:16]: It. 

Mike Bonelli [43:16 - 43:20]: Makes it, like, when you say it that way, it makes a lot of sense. Yeah. 

Christie Casciano [43:20 - 43:36]: There are a lot of times we'd be in the car after a game, and we talk about the game. Not to critique, but there'd be funny things that would always happen. Wild parents, you know. Oh, did you see what, you know, Mike's dad did the other. Oh, my God. 

Lee MJ Elias [43:36 - 43:37]: See that Benelli guy? 

Mike Bonelli [43:37 - 43:41]: Right? Now we just pull up. Now we just pull up. Like me. Like, now we just pull up. Libourne on the way home. 

Lee MJ Elias [43:42 - 43:45]: Yeah. Right? Let's watch it again. Let's watch it again. Yeah. 

Christie Casciano [43:45 - 43:57]: Or, you know, you talk about that fantastic goal or, you know, something that was really incredible. You know, that's fine. That's not coaching. That's kind of reliving those great moments. 

Mike Bonelli [43:57 - 44:01]: So maybe you have to know your audience. 

Lee MJ Elias [44:01 - 46:59]: Let the kid come to you. That's the point I think I'm trying to make. I would love to talk about the game after the game. But if my kid doesn't want to talk. Look, my mother said to me, I'll never forget this. My mother said to me one time, never underestimate a kid's ability to ignore you. You can be looking right at them, and we've all experienced this, and they're just looking. They're not listening to you at all. And it's like. But you come to realize a. That's part of being a kid. They learn how to tune adults out, okay? But they're tuning you out because they're not interested. All right? And again, don't get me wrong, parents, there are times it's like, no, you need to look at me and listen. There are definitely times that that happens, sure. But if that's happened consistently in the car, they're telling you, I don't want to talk about this with you. Right. My kid and I got a great laugh at this. He called me cringy the other day with a smile on his face because I did one of the gen alpha things that they don't want their parents to do. And I kind of laughed. I was like, wow, we're really there. Like, he's becoming an independent person, that he doesn't need me there every day. And while that's. I'll say this to parents, devastating from a parental standpoint, and it hurts because you want to hold your son. At the same time, I'm also kind of proud. It's a weird mix of, like, he's becoming his own person. Right, right. I can totally see how you could. You could. No, no, no. Stay with me. Like, how that could happen in a relationship there. But, yeah, there's so much to digest here. But again, parents, listen, we got a few minutes left. These tips, the car ride home, the ride to the rink. All right? Which is another great podcast you should all listen to, all right? The way you critique the games, the way you. You feel that stress, recognize you're stressed out and ask the question, why am I stressed? Ask that question, why am I so stressed? Well, it's a two one game. Your kid's seven. Why are you so stressed? Right? Don't. Don't worry about what anyone else is going to think of you and your kid. Make sure they know the love is there. Don't worry about being judged. Like I said, when you get older, you realize nobody cared to begin with. You're all feeling the same thing. And then, please make fun of the crazy hockey parent banging on the glass. Just recognize that's not you. That's a important part of this. And go stand in the corner of the ring. Last point here I had here, I wrote this down. This is an important one that kind of talks about what I just talked about. We always talk about, we're going to have some good guests coming up about this, too. Social media, how kids are growing up with social media and that it's a human highlight reel and it affects the way they think. It kills me because parents, adults, we are experiencing the same thing. We're acting like we're nothing, but we're watching, we're scrolling. We're looking as well. It plays into how you think too. Right? The human highlight reel. I mean, Mike used to say all the time, we, every Monday I get a recap from 55 parents of how the weekend went. Right. But it's only the wins I don't see the losses. Don't fall into that trap because you're here telling yourself that that's the worth of the season. Is the wins only? 

Christie Casciano [47:00 - 47:00]: Yeah. 

Lee MJ Elias [47:00 - 47:20]: The development is the most important thing. If your kid goes from a to z this season on one skill, that's fantastic. That is so fantastic. You should definitely want to win. I'm not telling you you shouldn't want to win. I'm not telling you that losing is okay. Okay. I'm telling you that not learning is, though, is not okay. 

Christie Casciano [47:20 - 47:21]: Right. 

Lee MJ Elias [47:21 - 47:21]: All right. 

Christie Casciano [47:21 - 47:40]: So I was a little kind of guilty of that. Like I would when I used. Because I used to post for the team, I would try to couch the loss. Oh, we got beat again this weekend. But here's some highlights of our loss. You know, I tried to put a little positive spin on it. 

Mike Bonelli [47:40 - 47:49]: It's like when you go. When you go on a fish, it's like when you go on a fishing trip and you post, like, you know, somebody had a horrible fishing trip. Right. When they post the sunset, like, what a beautiful sunset. 

Lee MJ Elias [47:49 - 47:50]: What a beautiful sunset. 

Mike Bonelli [47:51 - 47:52]: Where are the fish? 

Christie Casciano [47:52 - 47:53]: That's one fish. 

Mike Bonelli [47:53 - 47:54]: Bob Ross. 

Lee MJ Elias [47:54 - 48:00]: Bob Ross could have painted this sunset, but he couldn't paint me a fish because I couldn't catch anything this weekend in the lake. 

Christie Casciano [48:00 - 48:08]: I did. I was a little bit of a spin doctor there for the team, but, you know, it's just to keep everyone motivated. I mean, we kept getting beat and getting beat and getting beat. 

Mike Bonelli [48:08 - 49:06]: Right? No, and there's something else. But that's a whole nother avenue. Right? So if you're a parent, if you're just. If you're posting, if you're. If you're a you know, if you want to pump the tires of your team, I have no problem with that. But just. And if you want to spin a loss into, you know, it was a great weekend, and what a beautiful rink we were in. And the hot chocolate was good. That's all good. I mean, I think that's great. It's all part of your. That's all part of your weekend story, and that's fine. I think it's what. I think what the social media part that gets me is the comparison of, like, look what this kid did. Yeah, but that's not real like that. Like. Like, we just never. Like. It's like I said earlier in a show, like, I. When I was twelve, I didn't. I thought I was the best player in the whole state. I never saw another player like. Like I was. I don't. I don't even know anybody else. I just think I'm good. Like. So now the kids don't even get that experience. They don't get to think they're good in their own place because they see everyone else. 

Lee MJ Elias [49:06 - 49:15]: Wayne. Wayne Gretzky just talked about this, that the loss of the pond and just going out to the pond and playing and being creative has really affected how kids are now more formulaic. 

Christie Casciano [49:15 - 49:16]: So true. 

Lee MJ Elias [49:16 - 49:56]: Listen, we're running out of time. I'll say this, Mike, you just said about your story. Right? Two final tips. You can't get lost in your little story. It is. We all have a little story. There's 8 billion stories on the planet. We're all lost within our own story. And you got to realize you're part of a collective story of mankind. Not to go too gigantic here, but we're all just living. We have our time on this planet, and that's all we have. My final tip is to get yourself an eternal optimist, news lady to be on your show, and a good friend that knows hockey better than anybody else. Start your own podcast or just listen to this one. That's my other tip. A little self self preservation there, but. 

Mike Bonelli [49:56 - 49:57]: Don'T start your own. 

Lee MJ Elias [49:57 - 50:01]: We don't even start a competing podcast. Yeah, that's fine, but I would say. 

Mike Bonelli [50:01 - 50:07]: That join us on Facebook and write some notes about how we're all wrong. I like that. 

Lee MJ Elias [50:07 - 50:11]: I want to say sincerely, spin on it. 

Christie Casciano [50:11 - 50:12]: Don't worry about it. 

Mike Bonelli [50:12 - 50:13]: Right, right. Exactly. 

Lee MJ Elias [50:13 - 51:38]: That never happened. No, look, look. While I am a host on this show, I learned from this show. This show has been such a gift to me as a youth hockey parent, as we know it has been to all of you, because you email us, you message us, you tell us about how impactful it is. And that just inspires us every week to keep coming back and doing it over and over again. So above all, we'll end this episode with a big thank you to all of you listening. Make sure to share this show, help another parent in need. Share this show with your friends, with your teams. Continue to grow this audience in this community. As Mike said, our kids play hockey on Facebook. You can text us if you look at the bottom of this episode, wherever you're listening, there's a little link. You can go there and actually text us a message, or you can email us team at our kidsplay hockey.com. but that's going to do it. This has been notes from a hockey elder. We hope it brought you some value today. We wish you the best on your ongoing twelve month hockey journey. We'll see you next time on our kids play hockey. Skate on everybody. We hope you enjoyed this edition of our kids play Hockey. Make sure to like and subscribe right now if you found value wherever you're listening, whether it's a podcast network, a social media network, or our website, ourkidsplayhocky.com. also, make sure to check out our children's book when hockey stops at when hockeystops.com. it's a book that helps children deal with adversity in the game and in life. We're very proud of it. But thanks so much for listening to this edition of our kids play hockey and we'll see you on the next episode.