Starting the Season Strong: Setting Your Hockey Family Up for Success

Lee MJ Elias [0:08 - 1:11]: Hello hockey friends and families around the world and welcome back to another action packed edition of our Kids Play Hockey. I'm Lee Elias with Mike Pinelli Today and today's topic is an interesting one. We've done shows, we actually looked at our entire archive spanning 400 plus episodes. As many of you know at what kind of season preparations we've done in terms of episodes and we've done kind of a coaching preparation episode. We've done lot about evaluations and we realized we've never actually done one that's just how to start the hockey season strong. So today we're going to be looking at kind of mindset mistakes that sometimes families make and also the must do tips over maybe that like that first two to four week time period. And when you're listening to this, aptly we're releasing it right when you need to hear it. All right. I will always say though, a lot of the tips that we go over, as many of you know in these, these episodes really do span the full season. But we're focusing on that specifically today. So I'm going to bring in my co host, my friend, my line mate also who has done 400 plus episodes shows on this show, Mike Bonnelli. Mike, how you doing today? 

Mike Bonelli [1:11 - 1:46]: I'm doing great. It's the season's around the corner and I'm really excited about this, this kind of subject because I think it's something personally that I work with every day no matter what time of the season it is. But you know, especially in the beginning because I think, you know, most of us as coaches you can put, you can put the past behind you, you know, it's always like a fresh start, you know, and this shouldn't be any like woes going into it. Like this is the time when if you can set everything up, you know, well and get a great head start, it makes everything so much easier down the road. 

Lee MJ Elias [1:46 - 2:40]: Yeah, well, let's start about like that head start. I think that's going to resonate with a lot of the families that listen, you know, let's discuss some of the to start some of the biggest mindset traps the families fall into. I mean, you know, things like the pressure to perform early. I think sometimes, sometimes teams over schedule early on and also just like you know, parents over scheduling too much going on that time of year with the crossover also there's a lot of comparing to other players. You know, this is a marathon right the season. And again I think just to kick it off, Mike, you know, you got to go into the season realizing for the athlete who they are when they start the season should not be who they are when they end the season. You want to get better throughout the season. So if you're starting and you think, well, they're the best on the team or you got to be the best on the team, you're actually not leaving too much room for growth. Right. So you want to go in with that growth mindset. Not a fixed mindset. 

Mike Bonelli [2:41 - 3:50]: Yeah, I mean, it's so. And I think, you know, knowing that too is knowing, you know, you, if you have a good feeling of your role, like you kind of know where you fit the pecking order going in, then as a parent and a player outside the team, success, you need to then say, well, what can we do? What can I do to influence the team as the leader or as the player that's maybe not the best yet. Or you know, how I have. I defined myself. And then, you know, we could talk a little bit about how you align that with what the coach thinks of you. But I think. But a parent and a player need to have a pretty good understanding about going in and saying, well, I really feel. This is where I'm at. And these are some, these are some. This is where I want to be. But also understand that at the beginning of the season, just take care of the business at hand and that's starting the season. Like, don't get, don't worry about what you look like in November or what you're going to look like in January. Look about, you know, figure out how you're going to start your season off on a good positive note, but also setting some really good expectations that are attainable not only by yourself, but within the structure of the program you're in. 

Lee MJ Elias [3:50 - 5:18]: Yeah, and we actually, in our coaches episode, we talked about the importance of helping your players understand their roles. Right. I think in that first two weeks you might have a perceived notion from a coach or a parent or a player of what your role is. But, you know, I don't think you should go into the season saying, well, I'm the third line center or I'm the first line center. I mean, you know, another kind of word of the wise here is I don't care if your kid's been playing year round or they're just coming back. It's gonna take a few weeks for the team to get to know each other. Even if they've played together before, something's always changing. And at minimum, the kids are changing, they're getting older. So in that first two to four weeks, I mean, give them a minute, give them a second to get to know each other. And the kids, the athletes also have to kind of have that mentality and get to know your line mates, get to see you play well, well with. Right. Don't lock yourself in with, I played with that kid last year. I have to play with them this year. If the chemistry is there, that'll happen automatically. Right. Go in with that open mindset and parents make sure you're encouraging that too. Right. I will say this, though, also, once you get to that kind of second, third, fourth week, I don't think as a parent, I'm saying this, and as a coach, there's nothing wrong with your athlete. Parents, the athlete going to the coach and asking, hey, what role do you see me in? And what, what can I improve upon this season? Again, I'm going to reiterate, the athlete should be doing this, not the parent. All right, parents, if you want to get on the coach's bad side, that's a great way to do it. 

Mike Bonelli [5:18 - 6:24]: Yeah. And if you have an under 12 player, you know, maybe you're doing that with the parent, but they're not driving the conversation. Like, that's where you're. As a parent, you're coaching your child prior to talking to an adult. Yeah. And we've talked, we've had episodes on that. And like, how do you, how do you, you know, approach an adult, you know, with a kid and then. And then knowing the room, like, make sure, you know, the coach is somebody that's going to be receptive to having that conversation and not going to be, you know, not being defensive about it. And if you're listening to this as a coach, be, be gracious that the player wants to do that. Open up the door and open up the window to say, I am here for you. It's going to help me understand you. If you understand me and we understand each other, things can, you know, often we wait and we try to define ourselves in the role of the team after the role has been defined for us. Like, we don't have any say in it. Right. I think it's so important at the youth level to have a say in what you think and who you think you are. And then that might help kind of mold who you do become as a player on the team. 

Lee MJ Elias [6:24 - 7:20]: You know, a quick story. I remember when I was a U16 player, I actually, I might have been U18. I went to my coach. Now I've been accustomed. I have to start saying in the old days, that's what people have been telling me. Back in the old days, in the 90s or whatever time period it was, I remember going to my coach and just asking for a meeting and say, hey, look, this is where I kind of see myself this year and this is what I'd like to do. And this guy got so irate that I had the. You had the gall to come and tell me where you think you should play. And to this day, I don't think I walked in the room with that intention, nor do I think I came across that way. I was honestly looking for just a two way dialogue and his ego and. But as you can guess, this team didn't do too well. His ego just was like, no one tells me how to coach my team. And man, that just wasn't my intention. So. So coaches, you know, obviously you can help the kids learn how to word things differently, but if a player comes to you and says, hey, help me see where I'm supposed to be, you should be all over that. That's an asset to you as a coach. 

Mike Bonelli [7:21 - 8:27]: Right? And if you're a coach or a parent of a certain age like me, you're going to remember like when I was a young coach, I'm like, listen, don't come see me, my door. You know, I'm not here as a therapist and I'm not going to talk about ice time. And I think it just, it closes the door to development so quickly of, because. And most of the time, like when I would do that as a coach, it probably was because I didn't have the confidence that I had the maturity to deal with a conversation that could be controversial. Right. It could be adversarial. Like nobody wants to have those conversations. But I think if, you know, I think that the tools that are out there and available to all of us as coaches, you know, really help us lend a hand in setting up those, those, those talks so that they become a positive piece for you and not like a, like a fight in a room, you know, and knowing how to have that conversation and knowing how to, you know, really define what that meeting is going to be about. Those are all important pieces of having those talks. 

Lee MJ Elias [8:27 - 8:39]: Yeah, and I'll also say this too, you know, language is very important. I'll say it to the parents and the players saying things like I need or you owe me. That's never the way to approach. 

Mike Bonelli [8:39 - 9:19]: Or you know, so and so's dad said my son should be on this line. Like, yeah, like that's the Kind of stuff I hear all the time, like, oh, everybody else thinks I should be playing on the first line with so. And so I said, well, I said, who. Who is everyone else? You know, so again, these are all just so both sides of it. We hope that the adults can come in, right. And frame it so that a child can sit in a room and really have an honest conversation about who they want to be and where they want to be at the end of the season and how they want to affect the team. And that both parties, the dad and the mom of the player and the par and the coach of the player, can agree that they listened, they heard them, and then they can react to that. 

Lee MJ Elias [9:19 - 10:42]: Yeah. Last note I'll say on it too, Mike, is that parents, you can sit with your kids at home and practice these conversations. I do that with my kids if my kid has an issue. Let's go through what you want to say. And I say, tell me what you want to say. And usually I'm like, okay, well let's change how we word that a little bit. But you can help them prepare for those conversations. It's an important life skill. All right, Mike, we always talk about in hockey, you know, hockey's got to be fun, right? And I do agree with that all the time. But we always get questions about development. So let's just take a look at the first four weeks, right. Or two to four weeks from a developmental standpoint because I think it's going to shock a lot of people again, parents, kids, coaches. You're just getting to know each other. Coaches have to establish a. What they want to accomplish with their systems potentially. They have to identify what skill sets you have lack at. Where's the chemistry? You know, the first two or four weeks, Mike, to me is really about, you know, team building, maybe some re acquisition of skill because kids haven't been playing the whole year, hopefully. And then like a lot of, you know, structuring habits and off ice habits just to get the team working together. If you skip that part and go right to the hockey development, like, you know, strict tactical skill development, I think you're in for a long season. Right. You know, even the elite teams do this tough stuff. Mike, your thoughts? 

Mike Bonelli [10:43 - 11:53]: Yeah, yeah. I mean, it's all about hockey is a long season. It's a, it's a, it's a really long marathon of development and parsing it up and breaking it down and understanding that you don't need to win your championship, championship in September, that you need to build programming. I think a Lot of us as coaches probably get a little disillusioned by thinking like, like, like a, like an undefeated season is a good thing. And most of the time it's not like, like statistics show, like when you see like the President's trophy winner loses in the first round every year. It's because, you know, there needs to be adversity, there needs to be that grit building, there needs to be the highs and lows to kind of build a little thick skin around when it is important to win. And I don't care what team you're on, unless you're on some kind of a super elite team that has like a seeding tournament in August that determines whether you're going to play in the top or the lowest of the brackets. Nothing matters in August and September. Those games don't matter really, except in a negative way because if you win. 

Lee MJ Elias [11:53 - 11:54]: Practicing ahead of that tournament too. 

Mike Bonelli [11:54 - 12:50]: Yeah, and they're not even, that's not even right. That's not even the beginning of the season. That's like they're mid season form for the rest of us for, for a, for the run of the mill hockey program, their average program is starting after Labor Day and kids are getting on the ice and we're all playing together. It's the feeling out, period. But you know, one of the things you can do is you can't just rely on the outcome of games. This is where all of the other stuff comes into play. The training, the practice planning, the team building, the, the social interaction of parents and players. All of this you have in the. Because we're not in the craziness of the season, we're not in like the tournament, you know, November, December time frame. Right now we have a lot more space to build in kind of the development structure that we want. And if you could build it in and get people to buy in, it's so much nicer when you're rolling through November and December. 

Lee MJ Elias [12:50 - 14:58]: Well. And it sets the tone for the whole season. All right. Anytime you jump into something 1000%, I mean even if you succeed in a couple months, you start facing burnout and things like that. Another quick story, Mike. Last season one of the teams went undefeated and went undefeated by, I think the closest game might have been a four or five goal spread. And I'm going to tell you something, while it's, it is an accomplishment in some ways to go undefeated from a, from a seasonal standpoint, those kids were not having fun. And I talked to their coaches and I talked to the kids. It was a Drag to get them to come to practice because there was no competition and even their championship celebration was very low. Like, yeah, of course we won. It just goes to show you. And this is what I would say, speaking of the undefeated season, right. The only value of an undefeated season would be if every single game was extremely competitive. And then I would say this. In that environment, undefeated is nearly impossible. Right, Right. It's. I don't know many teams that have gone undefeated, winning by one goal every game. All right. It's just, it's not a thing. So that competitive balance. And then, Mike, the other thing you said, those life skills, that's your roi, right? Understanding how to enter a new environment. Learn the people around you, learn how to communicate. Learn how to learn. These are really important elements at the start of the season. I always say, at the end of the season, I don't want to be coaching too much. I. You should know, you should have it down, and we should just be maintaining at that point. That's not something that's. That's realistic for the start of the season. Mike, another scenario for you. Okay. You know, I think a lot of parents are coming on the show. You know, the kids are playing for the same team again. All right. There's a lot of people also, that new team. Right. Let's talk to the parents and how they can help their kids enter the season with the right attitude, Especially if they're nervous, maybe they're burned out, they switch teams. How do we manage expectations? How do we. We help them with their preseason routines and kind of avoid that early season drama, which is the worst thing ever. When you're in August or September and it's already dramatic, man, that's a nightmare scenario. Mike, what are your thoughts on how can parents help their kids enter the season with the right attitude? 

Mike Bonelli [14:58 - 19:22]: Yeah, I mean, if you're, if you're, if you're dealing with the negative chat rooms in August, it's like, oh, like, how did this even occur? So. Well, number one is all of us, right? We have to be proactive and communicate everything we want out there. Over, communicate. Over. Communicate. Over, communicate. Get as much stuff on the table as possible. If you're a parent, make sure that you're letting the coaches know or the manager or whatever. Listen, I'm a competitive soccer player. I'm a great football player. I do. You know, there's other things in my life that you should have known, but I'm reminding you that now. We made this team. But September, October and November are going to be Hard for my family because my son or daughter is, is doing other activities. Their interests are, you know, expansive. Right. But we should know that going in, if you're, if you're, if you're, if you're going, oh, I should probably tell them that I'm an all star soccer player. I'm going to miss every Wednesday and Thursday practice. If you're doing that now, it's probably a little late, right? But I would, I would do it anyway. I'd be like, listen, B, you can't just, don't just assume. Everybody, you know, doesn't think that you're that crazy about hockey, right? You have to know that, you know, you do have a life, you have a family life. But I think as a parent, I don't know, I often think it's. I would always think of it as the responsibility of the veteran player, the kid that's already been there to open the door to the new player. It's funny, I did a team building exercise over the summer at a hockey school and I had kids from everywhere, you know, all different teams, and I'm like, what? Like, how would you feel if you walked in the locker room and you're a brand new player, right? You're one of, you know, two new players out of 15. Like, what would you, how would you want to be right? Greeted? Like, would you want people just to look down at their phones and not, like, embrace you or not say, hey, what's your name? Welcome to the team. Hey, sit next to me. Like, if you want to build, if you're, if you're a kid that's coming back, if you're, if you're a parent of a child who's a veteran on that team, coach your kid to coach the kid. Like, get in there and be like, no, you know, your, your goal should be like, you know, remember when we had that. We had the podcast back with Daryl Belfry and he would have that. I love that, that, that the goal you have for his daughter, every tournament she went to or camp, that she would meet three new people no matter what. So between Friday and Sunday, meet three new people. Well, that's like my goal for a kid that walks into a brand new locker room, but it should also be the goal of the veteran kid. Like, like, we didn't need to tell our kids, hey, if a new player comes in, find three things about them. You, like, find out you know who they are and build that community quicker because that will pay dividends. Now, if you're a coach listening to this or a manager, you can, you can put that in there and let it grow organically. But kids, sometimes they need a little push. They need, they need the idea of it. And I don't know, I think just based off of my experience, that more times than not, the kids will take that and run with it. I think more than not, they'll, they'll, they'll want to make that team a competitive, you know, universal team. Rather than say, oh, that's them. That's the old kids, and these are the new kids. Like, it really is the beginning of the year to say, listen, we're a team. We show, like I said it all the time, right, that if you're, if you're a coach and you pick the player, it's your job to make them part of the team. It's not your job to cut them. You pick them, make them part of the team. So for the veteran hockey player, it's your job to get in there and make that player feel like they're, they're very, you know, they're, they're, they're wanted. But the new player, it's your job to get in there and be wanted. Like, you have to go in there and be proactive on, you know, thinking about how you're talking to kids. You can't be like, oh, I can't believe I'm this crappy team. We beat your ass every day last year. Like, I can't believe I, I can't believe I got selected for this team. These are a bunch of bumps. Like, you go in there on day one of practice. It's going to be a tough season. So coach your kids about going into the room. How are they going to have that conversation? How are they going to. Like the old saying, you never get a second chance to make a first impression. Coach your kids before they go into that room. Make sure that, that you're, that you're preparing them for success by just giving them some hints about when you walk in the room. Why don't you look for, you know, you know, so and so you remember you knew him from hockey school or you went to a clinic with him. Seek out those people proactively and don't just throw your kid to the wolves into a locker room of kids he doesn't know. 

Lee MJ Elias [19:22 - 19:45]: Well, I'll take it a step further, Mike. I've had parents say to me, well, my kid gets really nervous in the situations. Yeah, that's why you need to practice now. Okay? That's exactly why you're, you Know, if you're playing competitive team sports, this is your opportunity to teach them because, you know, if they go to college or beyond with that or without that skill, it's detrimental. It is so well documented that the ability to communicate is such an important skill. Yeah. 

Mike Bonelli [19:45 - 19:58]: And we all know it as adults, right, Lee? I walk in, I walk into a cocktail party and I kind of go to the corner. I'm like, if I do that, I'm not really enjoying myself. I'm getting nothing out of it. Might as well not even be there. So find a way to get in there and, and be proactive. 

Lee MJ Elias [19:58 - 20:06]: It's like people that go to networking events and don't network. Like, well, what do you, what do you. Must have really good hors d'. Oeuvres. I guess that's the, that's the right. 

Mike Bonelli [20:06 - 20:24]: Are they going to have a couple of scotches before they start talking? But I think for a kid, you know, for your 11 year old, just get in there, coach them, give them three keys, three keys to like locker room success. And just get them in there, give them a little ammunition to go in and say, hey, I can do that and I can say that and I can ask this and just see where it goes. They'll, they'll figure it out. 

Lee MJ Elias [20:25 - 21:26]: You know, one of the questions we get asked a lot here, we can address this in this episode is from parents of. Okay, when should I approach the coach? When should I approach the coach to talk? I think our answer shocks people because the answer is never. You really should not ever be talking to the coach unless there is some form of bullying or you're fearing for the danger of your child in those scenarios. Yes, that is that, you know, you got to broach those. They're all very different. But if you just want to talk to the coach about line combinations and where your kid should be and what they're learning and what you think the coach should be teaching parents. I'm going to be very honest with you. Do not do it at any age. If they're under 12, they should be working on everything. Your opinion probably isn't welcome unless you're asked for it. And if they're over 12, the kids should be asking. Do not approach the coaches about the coaching. Again, unless there is some bullying or danger, don't do it. It's not your place. Let the coaches coach. If they don't do a good job, they will not be invited back. 

Mike Bonelli [21:26 - 21:27]: Okay. 

Lee MJ Elias [21:27 - 21:34]: Keeping in mind, I'm talking about the hockey. Talking about the hockey. I'm not talking about the other stuff. Okay, Mike, you have any thoughts on that one? I wanted to bring that up. 

Mike Bonelli [21:35 - 22:04]: I mean, it just. There's a time and a place to approach the leadership of a team, and it's not about. It really isn't about the ice time and about line combinations. It's. It's. It's about, like, listen, my son, you know, he feels a little uncomfortable in the locker room. This is happening. What can you help me do to resolve this? Or what can we do together to work on this? Not. It can't be the opening to say, oh, well, thanks for that. And listen, I'm not one of those parents. I never do this. 

Lee MJ Elias [22:04 - 22:06]: I never do this. Yeah. 

Mike Bonelli [22:06 - 22:14]: I never do that. I've never approached a coach, but can I have a conversation with you? And I think those are distinction, Mike. 

Lee MJ Elias [22:14 - 22:32]: Sorry. You're making an important distinction because the question you ask is to receive information. Those questions are fine. If you have a question to receive information to help the coach to help your kid, that's fine. But if your intention is to give information, all right, that's different. 

Mike Bonelli [22:33 - 24:07]: Yeah. No, it's your job to protect, like we say it all the time, right? You're your biggest advocate of your child. Like, it is your job. Your job is to keep your child safe. It's not your job to get your child to get on the first line. Like that's your job at home. Like, that's their job. That is your job to motivate them to say, hey, listen, I probably work at this, or I probably do this better. You know, that, that you could have all that dancer you want, getting them lessons. But it's not your job to go in and question why a coach is doing something as far as playing time. No coach wants to lose. No coach is coaching to lose games. They just don't. They don't do it. So they have their own reasoning. Maybe they're a bad coach. All right, well, listen, you know, if they're bad coach, they're a bad coach. You're not going to. You're not going to make them a good coach by telling them what to do. You're going to make them somebody that doesn't want to be around you. So I think it's just, you know, just knowing and that. That conversation. But again, I think, Lee, you know, your point has to be crystal clear that this has nothing to do with not approaching a coach. Right. For a reason in relation to your child. When it comes to safety 100. Yeah. You know, their, Their. Their feelings about the team Feeling uncomfortable about a situation, even a learning disability, like, these are the kind of things you want. Coaches want to know. Yeah, but just. But understand how. And if you're a coach listening to this and you're a parent coach, you need to set that parameter out there and allow people to feel they could go approach you without feeling like they're asking about ice time. Yeah, yeah. 

Lee MJ Elias [24:07 - 24:45]: And again, if you establish a good relationship with a coach and you could have good, open conversations and the coach is okay with it. I'm not against that. But, you know, when someone comes up and says, you know what you should do, it's like, okay, that's. Yeah, tell me what I should do. All right, Mike, let's talk about some red flags, all right? Season started, everything's going wrong. Chemistry is not there. Players have anxiety. Team culture is toxic. What do you do if you walk into an environment like that? Because it does happen. Hopefully not too often, but it does happen where you realize kind of early like, oh, no. What are some of those red flags as well? 

Mike Bonelli [24:46 - 25:15]: Well, I guess the first one is make sure it's not you that's causing the red flag. Like maybe. Maybe it's your child. Like, it's like. And I'm always like, I know my wife gets crazy, you know, when I. When she says, oh, so and so, blah, blah. I go, well, maybe it's our kid. Like, how do you know it's not our kid? Of course it's not our precious child. You know, it's not. It can't be our child. Well, you know, why don't we just find out first and make sure it's not our kid that's causing the problem, you know, because who knows? You know, kids are kids, right? Everybody can't be perfect. But I think that's like, to me. 

Lee MJ Elias [25:16 - 25:52]: You know, I got to say it, Mike, I got you. And I agree with that mindset, but there's a lot of parents out there today that we know this. We're talking to teachers, right? It's never their kids fault. It's always somebody else's. So that's a big accountability. I'm one of those parents, and Mike is too, that my first thoughts. What did he do? You know, what, what did she do? Right? A teacher calls me. What did they do? All right, but. But parents, you got to do that audit. Like if your teacher. Coach calls and says, listen, your son or daughter did this. If you're. No, not my child. My child would never do that. You. You're probably the problem at that point. Right. 

Mike Bonelli [25:52 - 27:21]: I mean, some of these kids are doing these things. So if it's your kid, then just address it, right? And, and get, get in front of it. Now if you walk into these situations and you're a responsible parent, it's kind of like it's got like safe sport, right? It's like report and then make it like your first, your first obligation is to. The red flag is the safety piece is like the well being of the athletes. If kids are getting hazed in the locker room, if there's, there's a lot of verbal abuse, if there's a place, if there's a time when you see that even if it's not your own kid, the kid's getting dressed out in the hallway and he doesn't feel welcome into the locker room. Like these are. I just think it's an obligation for any parent to say something and be, and have a conversation about like, why is that happening and what can I help do to resolve that? Maybe it's nothing. Maybe it's just, you know, maybe it's a misunderstanding. Maybe the kid is a jackass, you know, and they don't want to be in the locker room. But just have the conversation and then a coach can then approach that and then determine like, okay, where, where is it now if that red flag is the coach and how many episodes we've had on this, Lee? I mean, you got to know, going like, you know, your coaches, 90% of us aren't getting on a team without kind of knowing what we're going to get out of our coach. Now what we, what we then accept is different. Right? And usually we'll accept more when we're winning than when we're losing. About what? 

Lee MJ Elias [27:21 - 27:22]: Winning solves all problem. 

Mike Bonelli [27:23 - 27:55]: Winning. Winning helps. Winning helps really bad coaches, right? Because, because like an abusive bad coach, if they're winning, people are like, well, you know, we are winning. Like so, so, you know, my kid hasn't played. Yeah. As much as, Yeah. I mean, you know, my kid hasn't played any third period in the last four days. But, but I think, but I think this is where like to me, I, and I don't know if the red flags can start in September. I, it's just hard like for me, for me, one weekend can't be the, oh, we gotta quit. 

Lee MJ Elias [27:55 - 28:01]: But maybe it's just the red flag, what you just said. Like, maybe the red flag is I want to quit right now. 

Mike Bonelli [28:01 - 28:28]: Right, right, right, right. And it's September 15th, you know, so I think it's, it's More of, you know, looking for the, like, looking for the fact that your, your child's not, you know, excited to go to the rank or they're nervous about play. And then you have to do some self reflection. Is it you doing that to them? Is it the coach doing that to them? Is it a teammate doing that to them? And that's, you know, this is all parenting, Right. This is the hardest thing in the world to do because none of us are usually equipped to do it. 

Lee MJ Elias [28:28 - 28:39]: I got to bring this up too. It's going to flow perfectly into the next point we're going to make. Typically, your kids are starting school at the exact same time they're starting hockey. It's around the same time. 

Mike Bonelli [28:40 - 28:40]: Yeah. 

Lee MJ Elias [28:40 - 29:11]: And it's like, man, can we all just sit and reflect for a minute about what it was like to be 12 and starting school, starting on a new team, being asked to perform. You're traveling all over the place trying to figure out your new teachers. You know, sometimes you're in a new building. I mean, that's a lot. It's a lot. I mean, trying to think the adult equivalent would be like starting a new job and potentially playing on a very high level adult league team five times a week. And then you gotta, you gotta do all these things. So parents like that. 

Mike Bonelli [29:11 - 29:15]: Look, and then you're never, and then you're never at work on Friday. 

Lee MJ Elias [29:15 - 29:26]: Right? Right. You gotta ask to leave the new job because you got a tournament to play. And you know, look, kids are pretty resilient, right? 

Mike Bonelli [29:26 - 29:27]: Yeah. 

Lee MJ Elias [29:27 - 31:05]: If you think they're not feeling that they're more resilient than we are. But that's a lot. That's a lot for anybody. And I think we got, you know, remember that. So that actually leads us into the next, the next kind of topic here, which is, you know, habits. Like there's a lot of underrated habits and routines to start the season. I'll tell you some right now. Is your kid going in sleep deprived? Have they been up late all summer and now you're having a hard time getting them to bed and they're not sleeping? Are they eating? Have they been eating trash all summer? Have they been doing anything for their mindset or their mind at any you. And I'm going to say this, parents, you can start doing that at any age. I hear it all the time. Oh, they're a little young for that. It's the opposite. You're too old for it. Start as early as you can. Have you looked at your equipment? Right. Do you know Your schedule. Have you sat down with your kid? This one of the pictures we posted made us famous, Mike. I picked. I posted a picture of our written out calendar from the hockey season. Right. And. And we have that on our wall. It's a digital world, and believe me, I have a very good digital calendar. But at home we have the hockey calendar, which shows every practice, every game, who's driving, who's picking up from school. It's there for the kids and they use it. They look at it, right? So, you know, if you're just running into the season crazy, and I know there's a lot of parents out there. Well, my life is crazy. I have to keep it crazy. Believe me. You have time to fill out a calendar for 30 minutes one day. You just got to find the time. You got to make the time. But, yeah, underrated habits, Mike. Again, starting with, like, sleep, like I said, like, make sure your kid's recovering, going in sleep deprived. You're. You're gonna have a long season and injury prone. 

Mike Bonelli [31:07 - 31:40]: Yeah. And this. And again, hockey is, you know, routine. You want to have, you know, you know, making sure skates are sharpened, make sure your stick is taped, make sure your stick's the right size. Make sure you're just checking your equipment that your Velcro doesn't. It's not on the. The last, you know, grip, like, just replace it or get, like. Don't wait until the kids have practiced for a lace to break in half. Don't wait for the shin pad to fall off. Don't wait to, you know, November and your kids, like, oh, I got really. My elbows keep getting hurt. Why? Well, my elbow pads broken or it doesn't fit me anymore. 

Lee MJ Elias [31:40 - 31:41]: Right. 

Mike Bonelli [31:41 - 32:45]: You need to jump in there and get in there and build the habit of how you prepare for hockey or any sport. Just like school, right? You wouldn't go to school unprepared, I hope. I mean, we're all going school shopping and going back to school. It's back to hockey. Just make sure things are. Things fit. Mouth guards are, you know, like, like the mouth guard rule, right? If you're gonna. If you're gonna take a brand new mouth guard, stick it in your kid's face the first day because you just had to get out of the vending machine because you forgot your mouth guard. You didn't, you didn't like, you know, molded or didn't do any work with it, or you could add braces if you did. What do you think your kid's gonna think they're gonna Hate it. Like they're not gonna wear it. Neck guards and things like that. You gotta go in and build those routines up for your players. And make a habit that we wear neck guards, we wear mouth guards, we wear protective gear, we show up on time, we have our workout clothes, we wear sneakers and not flip flops to pregame workouts or practices. Like these are all things to help your right. And they're not things that cost money. They're things that just take a time. 

Lee MJ Elias [32:46 - 35:10]: Well, and here's one I'm doing with my kids right now. And again, like, like where your kids at in life can, can change what you're asking. But my kids 12 u so what I've been doing this season and it's been very successful is. Okay, your Practice is at 5:30pm when should we be leaving the house? And he will do the math. I think we should leave it this time. When should your bag be packed at this time? Okay. Did you write that down? Sometimes he goes, I'll remember, I gotta trust him a little bit. But now he's, he's, he's coming to me with that. And the other ones too. I've said, you know, we have early morning games. What time do you need to wake up this time? Okay, did you set the alarm? Let them tell you the habits. Now what this looks like for an eight year old might be. Let's go downstairs and look at our equipment packing checking list. Right. And did you pack all those things in your bag? About six, seven, eight. That's about all they can handle. They're not gonna be able to tell you when to leave for practice, right? Parents, I'll say it too. If your kid's constantly late or you're constantly dropping them off late, you play a role in this too. Okay? Like if, if you're not willing to, to get, I mean, and I'm not talking about the one you're rushing home from work and there really is no extra time. If you're just habitually leaving a little late, you got to make that. You got to help out there too. You got to get up 15 minutes earlier, depending on the age. Okay. I know older kids whose parents will not speak to them. Chris Pronger, former NHL player, hall of Famer, has said, I don't do any, I don't tell my kids anything. They have to get me up, they have to wake me up to show me that they want to go. Now that might sound a lot pretty strict to some of you. All right, that guy, that guy has the resume to Back up anything he says, but let your kids tell you what to do. All right? If you tell them we're waking up at this time, we're doing this, we're doing that now, it's going to become a chore, okay? So find that mix. Okay? Find that mix with your kids. Build those habits really, really early so you don't have to worry about them later on. Okay? And I'm gonna. I'm gonna say it again one more time. The mindset stuff, you know, there's so much stuff out there. Parents, if you don't know what to do, write us an email. We've got plenty of tools we can share. But just look for mindset training. Help your kids work their minds out as much as they're working their bodies out again. It'll be a whole other episode if I dive into that, so I'm not going to start on that now. Mike, got another one for you. Let's just say you are a returning player, right? How do you reflect on last season to grow and maybe not get stuck in what happened last season? 

Mike Bonelli [35:12 - 35:45]: Right. Well, that's. That is. That is the mindset, right? That is the ability to wipe that slate clean. But that takes work, and it doesn't help if you're a parent reminding them of how bad last season was either. Like, yeah, I used to. It's funny, I used to. We. I worked with a coach when the kids were like, 10, you or something like that. And we would have some pretty rough games, right? So let's say we had a rough game on Saturday. We'd get beat 10 to 1 or something. Like, really? You know, and I always come in, like, on Sunday's game. It was a new world for me. Like, it's a new day. 

Lee MJ Elias [35:45 - 35:45]: It's. 

Mike Bonelli [35:45 - 37:32]: It's. We can be playing the same exact. We could be playing the same exact team. We just. It's. We reset. We're ready to go. And I would bring that energy into the room, and it'll be this guy like, okay, guys, just don't think about yesterday's loss. Don't worry about how bad we got beat. That team was so much better than us. But that was yesterday. Today is that I go, you just wiped out the whole day. Like, you just. You just already put us in a mindset of, we just got our butts kicked last year yesterday, and now we're probably going to get a kick today. And that's the same way you have to think as a parent with your player. Don't allow them to come in and be like, oh God, reason last year, why not? Like, hey, you know, if that, that's just changing the narrative of your discussion. But I think it's also, you have to, unless you're the parent that's doing the same thing. Like if you're in the car saying, here we go again, last year started the same way and look what happened. Like, it just, I think if you're a player, I think leaves a point about writing things down, setting short term goals, being proactive in how you're going to look and view at things. It's amazing when you, when you, when you want to view something in a positive way and you force yourself to put it in a positive way, how it becomes positive. I mean, it really, you can, you can easily go down that road of woe is me and oh, I can't believe on this team. And I remember this last year. It is, it is probably the reason why successful athletes are successful because they're able to, they're able to clean the slate, you know, be the goldfish, as you say, and just forget about what happened yesterday, last shift, last month, last year, and move on. But that does for a lot of us, that takes a lot of coaching. It takes a lot of effort to put yourself in that mindset. 

Lee MJ Elias [37:32 - 38:47]: And Mike, we have to say this too. We're talking about the negative side of it. There's also a positive side of it. We won the chip last year, man. We were awesome last year. We were awesome yesterday. That's just, is detrimental to the team. You know, I'm going to bring this up. Jalen Hurts quarterback of the Philadelphia Eagles. I know a lot of you might not be Eagles fans, but hear me out here. You know, he was on a press conference recently, like the day after they got their super bowl rings because they won the super bowl last year. Sorry, everyone who's not an Eagles fan, they did big time. Yeah, they really kicked the crap. I hope we don't lose any listeners on that one. Listen, joking aside, it was the day after the ring presentation. He's at a press conference and one of the very, you know, smart journalists says, hey, why aren't you wearing super bowl ring? And he just kind of leaned to the mic. He goes, that was last year. He goes, I'm not focused at all on last year. I'm that that ring's not going to help me win this year. He said something else like, nothing, nothing from last year is going to help me win this year. That's what I want to hear from, not just the quarterback of the team I follow, but also from my players. Nothing that has happened is really going to help you for this year. You might have learned some things, but you got to learn new things. So positive or negative, you got to move forward. 

Mike Bonelli [38:48 - 38:53]: I think, I think that's why, like this year, when you heard, like when you, when you listen to guys like Paul Maurice, who coached the Florida Panthers. 

Lee MJ Elias [38:53 - 38:54]: Yeah. 

Mike Bonelli [38:54 - 40:03]: And his, and his like kind of feeling that, you know, there is no momentum in pro sports. Like, like pros, when you get to be a great athlete, momentum can't carry you day in and day out. It has to be a different, it has to be a new mindset going in. Like you can't, you can't carry the highs of yesterday's win because that's gone, it's over. And I think. And the reason people can overcome terrible losses is because they have the mindset that yesterday didn't mean anything. The last shift didn't mean anything, my last play didn't mean anything. I am now focused on what I need to do to be successful. And even though the last five times wasn't successful, I think so, you know, if we take the, if we take the advice and watch what like the leaders of sport and business do, it's the ability to, you know, reset their mindset. It doesn't always have to be positive either. It's just cleaning it out and not letting that negative piece drive you in the direction you're going to. And, but again, for, for you have an 8, 9 and 10 year old that needs to be practiced, that needs to be coached. 

Lee MJ Elias [40:03 - 40:55]: You know, our friend Bobby Robbins, former NHL player, he was a guest on the show. He's got some ride to the rinks coming. He had this great quote about you better have a B game in addition to your A game because nobody can bring their A game every single day. And it was a really good point that he was making, is that you're just not going to be able to get the 100 out of yourself every day. So you better have a B game that's very good. That's not a liability. And you know how to play in a game like that, which is basically giving 100 of what you have that day. And I, I thought that was a great mindset. Right. I think we should tell youth athletes that, that, you know, sometimes things are just not going to work and you're gonna have to change it up a little bit and find out what is working. Mike, we're almost out of time. The last question I want to ask point you1, how can we make the start of the season more fun, maybe less stressful? Like what are the things really, what are the expectations of that first few weeks in the best environment possible? 

Mike Bonelli [40:57 - 41:28]: Well, I think, I certainly think from the hockey perspective it's more about team activities, doesn't have to be on the ice. All about team activities, all about get togethers, all about hanging out, all about interacting with each other in competitive ways and non competitive ways. Ways that players can just get to know each other, feel comfortable around each other and, and have some kind of. You've mentioned this a million times in the show. A common bond. Something that doesn't have to be the win. There's not the common bonds, not I'm going to win the championship. 

Lee MJ Elias [41:28 - 41:29]: Everybody wants. 

Mike Bonelli [41:29 - 42:04]: Common bond is. Everybody wants, everybody wants that. The common bond is I want to fight for you. The common bond is I want to, I want to play for you, I want to play with you. I want to, I want to play in a place where you're happy and I'm happy and you don't need elite athletes to feel that way. So I think my most important piece when I start seasons with teams now is all the stuff that's not hockey. It's all the stuff that, and take care of everything else that's going to allow me to make the hockey the funnest thing we're doing because they love being together. And that's, that's the key for me, the key. 

Lee MJ Elias [42:04 - 43:27]: You said the word fun. And here's the thing, I know a lot of parents will kind of wrap up here that, oh well, well, you can't have too much fun at the start of the season. You got it. You got to get back in shape, you got to skate hard. The best teams I ever played for where we were getting dog skated and doing really hard work, it was fun because we want to do that together. The work sucked, but you've heard us say it before, right? Embrace the suck. We were doing it together. We were getting through it together. So it might be a very mutilated, weird sounding version of fun, but that was fun. We, we were trying to get something accomplished together. Youth hockey, especially the younger ages, should not be dog skated at the beginning of price. It should be like you said, the fun drills, get to know each other. What's your name? What do you like to do? Are we doing our cheer? Are we practicing our celebrations? You got a long road ahead of you. It's an eight month season. We like to say it's six. It's not. It's eight. It's almost as long as it takes to have a child. All right. If you make the playoffs, it is maybe nine months. All right. You might as well try and enjoy some of it while you're doing it. All right, Mike, this has been a really great episode. And parents, again, we hope you're enjoying it, because it's a great reminder for the start of the season, we got to enjoy this. Right? We always call hockey the cult. It can be a fun cult sometimes, right? Yes, Mike, Anything before I close it out? 

Mike Bonelli [43:28 - 44:39]: No. I mean, I think that, you know, if you've been through the coaching education program at USA Hockey, you would have heard the term. You know, they don't. They don't care how much you know until they know how much you care. And I think that's really the beginning of your season. I think it's like, okay, I'm getting. I'm a great coach. Championships, blah, blah, blah. I got to show the kids I care. I've a parent. I got to show that I care. And if I'm a player, I got to show my teammates and my coaches I care. And I think if you can do all that and create atmosphere where it is fun, it's energized, it's competitive, it's, you know, putting the kids in places where they got to really have some adversity early on in a. In a controlled way. There's nothing better than that. And so. And you can. And it's so much easier to do than trying to go play competition, because you can control that whole ecosystem, right? You can control the who wins and who loses. I mean, these are kids you can control that. You can't control going to play another team that doesn't care about you and doesn't care about your success. You can only do it by controlling the whole ecosystem. And the only. The easiest way to do that is to build programs around your kids that don't entail going out and playing somebody outside your. Your, you know, your bubble. 

Lee MJ Elias [44:40 - 45:42]: Well, that's a perfect way to end it, Mike. And I'm going to say to the audience, you can show us how much you care by sharing this episode in your team. Snap. Share it with the teams. Also, if you can, leave reviews wherever you listen, Spotify or Apple podcasts, it always helps us out. And honestly, folks, if you have any questions for us, how do you maybe make the season more fun in the start of the year? How do you encounter this stuff? What problems are you seeing? Email us team@our kids playhockey.com or click the link accompanying the episode. You can text us, leave your name, maybe where you're at, what team you play for. And we love doing episodes based on your suggestions. But that's going to do it for this one of Our Kids Play Hockey from Mike Bonelli. I'm Lee Elias. Have fun. Enjoy your hockey. Everybody stay home. We hope you enjoyed this edition of Our Kids Play Hockey. Make sure to like and subscribe right now if you found value wherever you're listening, whether it's a podcast network, a social media network or our website, our kids play hockey.com also make sure to check out our children's book, When Hockey Stops atwhen hockey stops dot com. It's a book that helps children deal with adversity in the game and in life. 

Mike Bonelli [45:42 - 45:43]: We're very proud of it. 

Lee MJ Elias [45:43 - 45:47]: But thanks so much for listening to this edition of Our Kids Play Hockey and we'll see you on the next episode. 

Mike Bonelli [45:53 - 45:53]: That.