The Car Ride is STILL Not For Coaching

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and it sounded good. We're going to dive into this today right away. Got some
letters here from fans. Today's kind of a revisit of an episode we did a long time
ago. All right. I'm going to tease it with that. I'm going to read this letter
right now. The names and the locations have been remitted to protect the innocent. I
want to say that because if you have any questions for us, you can send them.
We're not going to say your names on the air. Okay, here's the letter. Hello, I
have listened to your podcast and love them all. Very educational and insightful.
First off, thank you for that. I appreciate that. I am the coach for a U -18 rep
team for a minor hockey association. I should probably say prep team. I have one
kid on my team, well, probably more than one, and he has a very anxious mom who
is definitely critical in the car ride home regarding his effort. This player is
actually new to the game, three years of playing experience. Again, this is U -A
team. And I can see that he is not enjoying coming to the practices and the games.
I can see that he has the potential, but just needs time to grow and develop. I
have talked to his mom, advising her not to be critical and assured her that he
will be fine, that he just needs some time. So I'm looking to listen to your
episodes of how to navigate and try to help enlighten kids and how approach the car
rides to the rink and from the rink. So then he asked to find those episodes, I
did send them to and I would really appreciate the help so I can re -listen and
try to see if I can help educate and make the game of hockey fun and exciting for
the whole family. Thanks and best regards. And I'm going to say it again. This
letter made the three of us think that we have not revisited the car ride is not
for coaching for some time. That's one of our most popular episodes of all time. So
I got the letter, Christy Mike. I thought it would be a good time to revisit this,
maybe even add on to it a little bit. But I think we all agree, Christy, the car
ride is not for coaching. Right. Let's go over the basics. The advice that we gave
a couple years ago has not changed. Not at all. We give it every year. The car
ride is not the place to dissect a game with your child. A lot of reasons for
that. If it was a game where they performed poorly, they didn't do their best in
the ice. They know that,
and they don't want to hear it in the car at home. They're already, they need time
to just unwind, figure out what went wrong. They don't need you in your ear going,
well, if you went ahead and if you pass the park or if you took that, that's the
last thing they want to do. It causes anxiety with your kid. It can,
you know, kind of make the relationship little tense. When you get home, you're not
going to feel good about what just happened. It lingers. So what we always did
after a game? What do you want to hear? What song you want to hear? Hey,
what do you want to go to the mall? Do you want to go out for ice cream?
Anything but the game. But if they bring it up, fine. If they want to talk to you
about what they did. Hey, mom, I really did you see what I did out there fine
then you have a conversation but yeah don't dwell on it that's that's my advice
there's my hockey kid walking by that's awesome off to school a lot car rides not
the place for advice right have a good day sophia thank you bye bye well a live
sighting of one of the kids that doesn't happen too often yeah off to last school
she's not either had the whole time yeah yeah i mean christie i think you're
absolutely so i think the the hardest part about these kind of conversations is the
people that need to hear them don't listen to our show so i think the like so the
you know like my experience the car ride you know it's not for coaching like the
other day actually i almost hit the guardrail because i had the i had the the
coaching board out on my lap and i was trying to show my son In the car, Mike?
In the car. Oh, man. That would have been a fun story if you got pulled over.
What were you doing on your phone? Pulled over. Pulled over. I was died. I was
going off the side of the road. So, you know, so it was more, it was more of,
it's probably, so there's a lot of negative pieces about using the car ride to
coach. But I think one of the things, too, that Christy mentioned that I think is
the positive, if you are going to be in a situation to discuss hockey with your is
in the car is be consistent. Like, be the same way in a loss as a win. A big
win, a horrible loss. If your kids are those players that want to ask and bring it
up, you know, you have to go both ways. You have to be able to say, you know,
the positive things and the negative things. But I think the biggest thing is don't
dwell on the wins or the losses. I think that's the key is to be, you know, to
is even keeled and, and you as the adult having the opportunity to sway that
conversation. Christy just said that, like, you might say, oh, yeah, it was a fun
game. We had a great experience. You know, so, you know, what's going on with
classes tomorrow? You got some, you got, get some, you got, get some, you got, get
some, get some, you got, get some, what are we doing for dinner tonight or, you
know, I think it's getting off the conversation because it's so unfair for a kid to
be stuck in the car they can't go anywhere they can't even storm off on you right
i guess they can put their headphones on and and turn the music up but it's just
like it's just an unfair situation to put your kids in because they really have no
they have nowhere to go and nowhere to get out of it well i have to say real
quick as a public service announcement uh do not drive and coach okay um don't ever
do
Although, I'm going to say it again, if you got pulled over, that would have been
an amazing story. What were you doing? We were going over a 2 -1 -2 -4 check. Well,
I would have showed that the angle that, yeah, I would have been like, listen, this
angle, don't you agree at this angle, yeah, is wrong. Come on, sir. Come on, sir,
everyone knows this. If the officer was a hockey dad, you'd get out of the ticket.
I've got a lot of tickets. I've gotten a lot of tickets in Syracuse for being a
hockey guy, so I'm going to check. He might pull the kid out of the Get out of
the car, listen to this. Do not drive in coach. You know, the other thing, too, is
this. I want to dive in because the person in the road this letter is asking for
advice and help. Okay. Yeah. So let's go over a few things with this. Let's explore
the why this happens from a parental standpoint. Number one is because you care
about your kids. Okay. Let's not sugarcoat that. You care. If you didn't care, you
wouldn't say anything. All right. So I do want to kind of just at least check that
box, right? the parents who talk to their kids do care about their kids. Okay,
that's the number one. Number two is that I find it's one of these two reasons
that you feel the overwhelming urge to coach your kid. And I will preface this,
that I feel that urge. Okay, but this show and these two people here, my good
friends, have actually seasoned me, conditioned me to not talk in the car. And I
don't. Okay, but here's the deal. Reason number one is you played and you,
I'm using quotations, you know what to do, okay? You very well might know what to
do. It doesn't make it okay for you to coach in the car, all right? Because, A,
if you're not meeting your kid where they're at, if they're 8, 10, 18 doesn't
matter, you're not that age anymore. And whether you know or not, you're probably
not meeting that kid where they're at. Okay. And you're probably potentially not even
their coach on this team. We'll get into that in a minute. Number two, and this is
real talk. This is one you all have to kind of look inward with this, is that you
feel like your kid's efforts or performance on the ice as a reflection of you as
the parent. And that is always the hard one for people to swallow. Okay. And all
I'm going to say is no judgment. You have to audit yourself if that's happening.
And I'm going to tell you right now, outside your kid being a maniac on the ice,
no one's judging you based on your kid's performance. Nobody. I don't judge any
parent based on the performance of their kid on the ice or anything like that. I
do sometimes judge based on what I see parents doing to their kids away from the
game, all right, which I probably shouldn't do either, right? We're all, we've all
yelled at our kids at one point or another. But I find those to be the two
reasons while you do it. Now, just to follow my thought, we'll go back to the
panel here. I have the urge to coach my kids in the car after every.
80 % of the time want to talk about, right? The game, the practice, my son,
the goalie will ask me now, unprompted, unprompted, will ask me about the goals that
went in and how he could have done a better job or what I saw. And it's a very
two -way conversation. I'm going to tell you as a father and a coach, it's one of
the most rewarding things in the world that they trust me enough to come to me.
With that said, Sometimes they do not want to talk about it. Actually, my daughter
got in the car the other day and say, Dad, can you play Ride the Lightning by
Metallica? Proud Father moment. Okay? I'm trying to enjoy this period of time as
much as possible. But I remember, yeah, of course we can. Right. That's what she
wanted to do. All right. Mike said it. Christie said it. It's not fair to lock
them in a closed space and start telling them everything they did right or
everything they did wrong and talking about it. It's not our place to do that. And
I know that I know there's parents. I have to let them know. I must let them
know. It's for each one of you to gauge, but I would make the statement that
there's not many moments in youth hockey. You have to let them know. Right. Without
them prompting it. So I'll throw it back to you too. That's my spiel. But those
are But those are the wine. That's the why. The best memories have been after games
when you've gone, especially up to win, with other teammates and you've celebrated.
And then you can go off in the corner with other parents and dissect the game and
let the kids have fun.
But yeah, some of our best memories have been post -game. Even with losses,
sometimes it helps to heal the little hearts when you're all together and you're
kind of not commiserating but just as a team hey we lost as a team we won as a
team we lose as a team too and it's not any individual's fault you also have to
make sure the kids know that it wasn't the goalie's fault it wasn't the defense you
play as a team so you always try to impress that upon the kids yeah yeah i think
i thought i thought about this question a little bit you know from a
there for losses but i think maybe another way to strategize uh especially for a 17
year old 16 year old you know a young man woman that that you hope you know are
learning better ways to communicate with with adults right that maybe you could give
that player some prompts prior to getting in the car like you know maybe they can
initiate the conversation because they know what's know what's coming, right? So maybe
they could be, like, my son does, like, this is kind of the running joke in the
house. Like, if I want, if I want my son to do something, he'll always revert to,
well, dad, this is about hockey. So then I just let him do it. I'm like, okay,
well, if it's hockey,
then, then, yeah, don't worry about your homework. Or if you're watching hockey, then
don't worry about stacking wood. Like, if you're doing hockey, like, then I kind of
changed my whole demeanor, right? So I So I think learning to coach, so my kids
have been able to get smart enough to go, oh, I know, I know how I could shift
him very quickly. And maybe we need to tell the kids these 16, 17 year old
players, you know, maybe you can shift that conversation. Maybe you can initiate the,
hey, mom, you know, I'm getting ready for this. What advice would you give me on
this particular thing? Or Sometimes to be like, I don't know. That's your coach.
Like, I know nothing about the game. I don't even know what you're talking about.
So instead of this always being a negative back and forth, maybe turning into a
collaborative effort where maybe the mother in this case, you know, can be, the
player could be coached to approach the mother in a way where he said, hey, mom,
you know, I'm going to practice today and the coach has been telling us to do
this. You know, what do you think about that? And I don't know. I think maybe
brings the guard down a little bit and maybe just helps the player feel like they
have more control over the conversation rather than the conversation always going to
this negative place. Yeah. I think the parents. I like that. Yeah.
You know, I should say this too. Like parents, we just want to know the kids care.
Right. Like, you know, we've had this conversation too. You're spending a lot of
money on this. You want to make sure your kids care. Right. So that also brings up
another interesting point though about there is a fine line between coaching in the
car and talking in the car right so one of the conversations that i think blurs
the line is about effort right are you are you putting forth your best effort the
argument i would make is that's not a conversation for the car ride home after the
game right because the kid's not going to retain it right all right so that's
another part of this of, you know, I have conversations with my kids about effort.
I don't necessarily consider that to be coaching them. I'm just talking about life
and putting your best foot forward and what makes me proud as their father and how
this applies to other things. I don't know if that's quite coaching. Now, if I say,
and this is how thin the line is, you know, I had a conversation recently about,
you know, it's just about bringing your best of what you have every single day,
right? And I say that applies to life. That's when you get older in school. To me,
that's how I say it. Okay. And parents, listeners, you can please feel free to tell
me if you disagree with any of this. Okay. This is just me. It's a conversation. I
think we're across the line is where you go on the power play, you didn't do this
and you didn't put forth effort. Now, that's a totally different conversation in my
mind, right? Because now you're applying it to the game. You're applying it to a
situation in the game, that's coaching, all right? And there's no life lesson there
for the kids. Just you didn't try hard enough, all right? Parents, we all know kids
love hearing that. They love hearing that they didn't try hard enough, right? So I
think that's another thing, too, is really understanding, like, what's the life lesson
in what you're trying to say? And do you need to say it right now? Right? Because
there is a positive way to do this. Another thought, Mike, you just made me think
of this, too. And we're going to keep giving advice here is that everybody's raised
differently. So all every parent listed to this, you have all come from different
backgrounds. All right. And some of us were probably raised in a situation where,
you know, maybe we were yelled at or we were taking care of and we have this
mindset, well, it worked for me. It's going to work for my kid. And I always say
you got to be real careful with that because your kid is not you. They're not you.
All right. Every kid is his own individual person or her own individual person. And
they may be motivated very differently than you. So I would, this is my belief.
And I'm going to say, there are people who disagree with me on this, okay? The car
should be a, a safe place after a game for your kid. All right.
All right. And in the sense of this, of I, I just wouldn't want my kids to feel
the pressure and the fear of coming to the car with me to go home after a win or
a loss. Like that's their chance to decompress. Like that's just not the place I
want them to feel bad. All right. And look, I'm not talking about the situation.
Your kid got in a fight and two game misconducts. Like that's a different weird
situation. Yeah. Okay. Like you have to have a talk in that situation. Sure. All
right. But I just, I don't want my kid leaving the arena afraid to get in the
car. That's poor form, in my opinion.
Anybody disagree with that? No, I agree with that. No, but I think that's the whole
point here is that the parent that the parent that's doing this is a very hard
parent to reach because it's the same parent that you see like in the rink and you
see them in the state i guarantee it like it's the same mom that you see in the
stands with the with the eye rolls and like if you believe in or this person i
can't believe that it's the same people that you know that the kid is like like oh
boy i got to go like this is this is going to be my trip home it's the same kid
that probably doesn't come to the team building events on time and then the mother
and the father aren't you know promoting they don't need that stuff they don't need
that team building it's it's just it's it's a very hard i don't know the player i
don't think it sounds like somebody i would know but i don't know the family and
it and i think at that age where you know you mentioned this a little earlier in
the conversation that the the pressure and the expectation you know it's not it's no
longer like a recreational fun cute thing that you kid can't skate or that your
kid's not the best player or your kid's not like you know achieving at the highest
levels because now you're looking at, you know, basically they're playing and then
their career is going to end because they're just not reaching the expectations you
think they should be reaching. So it's a really difficult time because it's the last
time you're going to be in the car with your kid in this age group. Yeah. Yeah.
Again, this is your 18. We're talking. Yeah, where you can think you could be any
bit influential. And every parent that I've ever talked to, and Christy,
you're experiencing now, people would die to have that opportunity back to be in the
car with their kid at 17 years old. Mike, that's a great point. So I think it's
like that, that, that opportunity is wasted on a parent like this who can't
appreciate the fact that this is such a short period in a window of time that,
you know, they're really going to, they might not miss it. Maybe they'll be like,
oh, my kid's a jackass and I hated them anyway, you know, or they're going to say,
they're going to say, I love my son so much, I thought I was doing the right
thing to motivate them, but yet all it did was push them away from me. And I
think that's a really hard conversation to have with a parent that, that's not, that
hasn't experienced it. And unfortunately, it's always the parents that experienced it
after the fact that wish they would have done this. Right. Good reminder of this
time is so fleeting. In the wake of an eye, here I am. I have two,
you know, 20 -year -olds no longer in ice hockey, but still fond of it.
But yeah, but I can look back. No regrets.
My husband was very good at this too. He would give them pre -game ritual coaching.
He'd say, you know, do your best. You know, when you see that opportunity, go for
it. He would get them pumped up for the game. But he would never deflate them
after the game. Win or loss, if their performance was good or bad, he always kind
of stood back and let them take the lead for conversations and if they asked him
because he knew all about the game i i just kind of sat there i don't uh -huh uh
-huh i would pipe in once in a while but he was so good strategically in what they
could have done better but would never offer that information unless they wanted to
hear it from him yeah right i think this is also a really good time to to dive
into one of our other most popular episodes which which is, what should you say to
your kid before a game? I'm just going to say them real quickly. It's, I love you
no matter what happens out there. Work hard, skate hard, get better, right?
And then I love watching you play. Unprompted, these are the only three things your
kids should be hearing before a game. And here's the other thing, too. I practice
what I preach. I say that before every practice and every game. My kids will tell
you that. All right. I also think, I think it's important to mention this. I don't
think if you ask my kids, they would say that I'm easy on them, right? I think
this is an important distinction here. Just because I don't coach in the car doesn't
mean I'm soft on them as a parent. Okay. And again, that's just my parenting style.
I know for a fact they would not say, oh yeah, dad just doesn't care. He's soft.
He doesn't. No, they say, you know, dad pushes, he makes me want to work hard.
Makes me want to work all right everybody's got to go with that journey a different
way and again mike you alluded to it too it's a tough conversation because you care
you care about your kids like i don't i don't think about any of these parents
don't care about their kids um so another quick action item coaches i don't know
when you're listening to this but your first meeting of the season do not
underestimate saying to the parents hey The car ride's not for coaching. Let us
coach your kids. If you have questions, let us know. Don't coach your kids in the
car. It has a detrimental effect. All right? And then give them this episode. Give
them the other episode. Yeah. All right. I don't think there's a lot of parents.
This is very new to them. It is. They're navigating this without any real guidance.
So they're doing what they think is the right thing to do. Okay. I'm watching the
game. You stunk. You stunk up the ice. And I'm going to tell you why. You can't
wait to get them in the car.
incorrect message. You want them to love the game, but yeah, you want to play. Then
suddenly you get into peewee and there are systems and there are power plays. And
I'm going to be very blunt parents. Most of you do not know the tactics of the
game today. I'm not saying that lightly. I know some of you do. But I'll hear
parents yelling at an F3 high, which means that the third forward is in the
slaughter high. Get in get why are you just standing there that player is doing
exactly what we need them to be doing and you don't know and here's the thing
parents it's okay that you don't know it's completely okay that you don't know all
right i do find that that the parents that are curious of oh hey why are you so
high on the slot then the kid teaches you and that's actually a really great
experience right get in there it's like that and that's not what we want them to
do so that's just another note from a coach here of when you get into systems or
kids get into systems take a step back or how about to go study them on youtube
it's not hard to you can go look this up to all right the other thing too you
know mike and christie i just kind of realized this um we've been doing this show
for five years and my son specifically i'm already halfway through the journey like
that's how quick this happened i'm halfway through his youth hockey journey when we
started this he was a first year might he was just just starting out now he was a
peeway um and i forget which one of you said it was fleeting i think that was was
when he said that yeah man i see it now yeah i mean i'm start i'm halfway through
with my son right and like he's halfway to being out of the house, all right? I'm
not, I'm not high -fiving, by the way, right now, people. It's actually kind of a
terrifying thought. But it shows you how quick this goes. And if, I'll throw it
back to you two here, but parents, if there's anything I have learned from being on
this show from coaching youth hockey. And keeping in mind, the coaching process as a
parent is very different than the coaching process as a non -parent. Okay, but it's
a few things. One is that it takes a long time to cook a hockey player. The
development is not fast. Well, it is and it isn't, right? It's, it's slow in the
fact it takes six or seven years for them to really get a grasp. But it's also,
you'll be amazed how much better they get in six or seven years. Right? That's a
little bit of a paradox. But it takes time. It just takes time for these kids to
mature as hockey players. And I think, you know, we always know, we always want our
kid to be the superstar. And It's just, it's not likely. And the thing is, is that
there's so many aspects of becoming a superstar that you can't just get in one
year. So patience, coaches, patience, parents, patience. Do not coach your kid in the
car. It's advice. Don't do it. Coaches, tell your parents to not coach their kids
in the car. Just say it.
Last piece of actionable advice for me, one of the coaches I work with gives our
kids hockey homework, right? It's a little bit of the younger age, but they give
them hockey homework, and it could be something like what motivates you or what's
something we're going to work on next game. And then we say, hey, tell your parents
in the car this is what you're going to work on. So we prompt the conversation for
them. And the results were very positive. Kids were coming with it written out on a
piece of paper because they all understand homework. That's another thing you can do.
I don't know if that's going to work at 18 you. And Mike, to your question, if
you know this person, they said minor hockey, so they're in Canada. All right. So I
don't know if you know them or not. Usually if they say minor hockey, it's usually
not state side, but we'll figure out. Anyway, back to you guys.
Or did I close that out on my own? I take you close it out.
Yeah. No, look, I'll just say this, folks. Again, I appreciate Mike and Christy.
It's hard. I do want to end on this note. It's really hard not to want to tell
them everything you see. Oh my gosh. It's hard. Like I want to acknowledge that.
That it's not, you shouldn't normally just be like, I don't, I didn't care. But I'm
going to tell you this right now. The rewards of your kids prompting the
conversation far outweigh any reward of you telling them without them asking you.
All right. If, if they're initiating the conversation, they want to hear they want
to retain it there's a 98 % chance if you're starting it they're not listening to
you right just i'm being honest with you especially if you're yelling at them
they're not they're not going to listen to you all right in fact you're push it
mike said it you're going to push them away all right and and the long term
effects of that go beyond hockey all right you think they're going to put you think
they're going to put your grandkids in the car with you all right or worse what
happens if the grandkids get in the car and you're awesome to them then the kids
sit there like what the hell seen that one too right all right any final thoughts
in that the letter that you got the mom being very negative yeah that's a good
point to raise too because you think the kids aren't paying attention you think that
it's not going to trickle down to them that negativity will definitely impact them
so that's the other
And in the stands, we've had many conversations, too, post -game about behavior of
parents in the stands and kids just shaking their heads. What is going on up there
in the stands?
They see it. Don't think they're not paying attention.
Yeah, it's the same advice we give the coaches. I mean, after a loss or after a
win, they're in the locker room. If you give a 15, 20 -minute beach nobody's
listening to you nobody cares you see the kids it's like it's like it's like it's
like okay get your little points in bang bang get out of there go have some ice
cream i don't care what age it is it's just it's just a matter of you got to
just pick your places to have your conversations with your kids um you know because
i i think there's a lot of great hockey people out there that probably can offer a
lot of great advice to their their to their players but just you know be in a
good place to do that and be in the right environment to do it. And then maybe
you'll get an impact out of it. Well, and I'll, I'll end this on a quick story. I
remember coming home from school every day and my mom asking me, how was school
today? I remember telling her one time, this is at me as a kid. You know, mom,
the last thing I want to talk about after school is school. All right. Now, as an
adult, you know, my mind, I can see why she wanted to know now. She just wanted
to have a conversation. I think most of you out there feel that way too. But you
got to meet your kid where they're at. Probably the last thing they want to talk
about after a bad game is the bad game. Right? So just something to think about.
It's humor in nature, right? Like my worst experience, I think, was last week when
I made dinner. And then I was critiqued for 20 minutes after dinner about how bad
the dinner was. What did you make? What did you make? It wasn't good. But all I'm
saying is like it was, It was, but it was like, hey, you know, 90 % of the time,
Dad, your dinners are great. We love your dinners. Right. This one, this wasn't your
best dinner. Like, this one, I won't even eat. Like, I don't even know what you're
trying. And I felt so bad. I'm like, I'm like, wait a minute. I just had the
dinner. Like, I made, I did all this effort to make the dinner. I think I did a
great. I think my effort was great. I put in a lot of effort. And I followed
directions and I cooked it like I thought would be cooked. But now you're not
satisfied with that. I don't want to hear about it for 25 minutes after dinner.
Right. It's too late, right? Let's go order out. and then
so it's just the car is not a great place to do it there's so many different
other places you can grab your kids and sit down and have a cup of coffee and
then they can have a slushy and you could talk but confining them and and
subjecting them to them not really being able to have any kind of way out is it's
probably the least advantageous to where you want to get your message to. Yeah,
there reminds me of the funny story. Somebody had put the written the kids in the
kitchen with the mom, and he's telling them, mom, you need to stir faster. Mom, you
got to crack those eggs harder. Mom, you need to put it in the oven faster. The
kitchen is not for coaching. Right. Just remember that. You don't need Martha Stewart
over your ear in the kitchen all the time. All right. That's going to do it for
this episode of The Car Ride is still not for coaching. Listen, love getting your
letters in here. If you have a letter for us, you can email us team at our kids
playhockey .com or if you want to text us, there's a link in the description
accompanying this episode. Leave your name where you're from. Any questions. We love
these episodes, right? We always said our kids play hockey is a conversation.
Maybe it's a little bit of a how -to guide now as well. But this has been a great
episode, guys. I'm glad we were able to talk about it again. For Christy Cashona
Burns, I'm Mike Benelli. I'm Lee Elias. You've been listening to Our Kids Play
Hockey. Give us a five -star review on Apple or Spotify or wherever you're listening
to this. And share this episode if you need to. They're meant to be there to have
those conversations. All right, gang, enjoy your hockey. We'll see you in the next
episode. Take care. We hope you enjoyed this edition of Our Kids Play Hockey. Make
sure to like and subscribe right now if you found value wherever you're listening,
whether it's a podcast network, a social media network, or our website, Our Kids
Playhockey .com. Also, make sure to check out our children's book, When Hockey Stops,
at When Hockey Stops .com. It's a book that helps children deal with adversity in
the game and in life. We're very proud of it. But thanks so much for listening to
this edition of Our Kids Play Hockey, and we'll see you on the next episode.
Thank you.