The Hidden Stress of Being a Hockey Parent

Hello, hockey friends and families around the world. Welcome to another episode of

our kids play. Hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey. I just echoed today. I'm Lee Elias

and I'm joined by Christie Casciano-Burns and Mike Bonelli. And today we're diving into

a topic that doesn't get talked about enough. The mental load of being a hockey

parent. We all feel it. We all feel the pressures, the anxiety. We also feel the

elation, the joy. We feel that Sunday night drive home after a loss thinking I've

got a whole week of work. And sometimes it's, well, I'm glad we won tonight because

we have a whole week of work. We know about all of it, the logistics, the early

mornings, the travel, the meal planning, the equipment chaos, the registration forms,

and everything else that fills the calendar. That's not even all of it. But

underneath all that is an emotional calendar, too. Managing your child's confidence,

the nerves, the pressure, the burnout, as well as your own expectations and

anxieties, as I said before, not to mention just life in general. You got to live.

So today we're pulling back the curtain on what that really feels like. Let's have

an open discussion about it, how we can all do a better job supporting ourselves,

because you do matter parents and our players who we all care about so very much.

That's what we're talking about today on our kids play hockey. I'm going to throw

road first to my friend, Christy here. Christy, let's just talk about the mental

load of being a hockey parent. Mental load. And I like what you said about

expectations. Because I think more and more parents are placing ridiculous expectations

on their kids. And I just want to advise parents to stop before you've ruined your

relationship with your kids. They're going to make mistakes. It's okay for them to

fail. They're going to mess up. And I think not enough parents are willing to

accept that. Way too high expectations. Isn't that the whole point of youth sports

is to mess up and figure it out? You know, I'll start here. A mother of one of

my son's teammates, who I really adore, came up to me at a game recently.

And she's just so chill and calm all the time. She's got multiple kids in the

sport. And she said to me, you know, it's just, It's just really a hobby. And I

just kind of loved the approach of how laid back that was. And I could see people,

that's not a hobby. It's all these. It's, no, it's, I mean, look,

I know what she meant, which is this. Why are we taking this so seriously? It's

like, and I just like that she comes to the rink with that kind of attitude. Now,

with that said, and this isn't a bad thing. She obviously never played hockey,

right? She never coached hockey. Her husband is one of the coaches on the team.

Great guy. But we do assign so much more to this than we need to.

It's not limited to just hockey. We should always say that. Our producer, Caitlin,

always reminds us. She played softball at the collegiate level. All sports exhibit

this in some form. But in our game, parents, coaches, players, we do have to take

a minute and, A, just kind of sit back and relax, but we do have to look at that

mental load and compartmentalize it. And I think where I want to start, gang, is

why do we as adults overlook what I'm talking about?

Why do we ignore it? Now, the psychological side of this goes well beyond hockey.

We're not therapists. We're not going to die fully into that. But let's just talk

about it as hockey parents. Why do you think we kind of push that aside and keep

drudging ourselves through the mud sometimes emotionally. Pennelly's chomping at the

bit here. Let's go.

No, I'm actually, I'm so envious of people who don't care at games. They're like,

yeah, whatever happens, happens. The kids are having fun. So I really do enjoy that

part of it. But I think a lot of it, because hockey, and it is all sports, I

would agree with Caitlin, that, you know, every sport has this level of anxiety and

pressure and like you're feeling that you're not doing enough for your kids and you

know offering enough opportunity for them to get better but i think a lot i think

in the hockey end of it it it's so um you know more exposed because of the money

and the financials of it it's a long season i mean you know most of like on the

on the in the northeast here these seasons they really start in april right april

or may and they end in april and may yeah so it's like only 12 more months to go

that's

And there comes an ROI with that. And whether you want to fight it or not, like,

it's like, well, is that really an ROI? Like, this is, the ROI is I have great,

you know, my, my children learn all these great aspects of what sport is supposed

to provide. But I think there is so much anxiety because of the money you spend.

Yeah. That you're like, well, is it really worth it? And I want to make it worth

it. So I'm going to do what I can as a parent, they kind of drive myself a

little crazy because I got to give up my time and my effort and my, you know, the

opportunities maybe that I want for our family, I'm putting into this sport. I think

you're absolutely right. I think money has a lot to do with the drive. And

sometimes we overlook some of the basics, the that are there for your kids um like

the hustle effect you know if my kids were out there and they were really hustling

every game then those were meeting my expectation that was meeting my expectations

that in good sportsmanship you know there are so many characteristics that i think

ought to be your level of expectation rather than be

purely on just if they're meeting your expectations, you know. Yeah,

look, I'm going to dive into both of those things, you know, and Mike, I'm going

to add on one more thing from the money standpoint, too, is that the game of

hockey is such a pressure cooker game. And what I mean by that is, look, there's

12 athletes on the ice. I'm sorry, yeah, yes, my bad, 12 athletes on the ice

Monday morning, people, you know, it's an enclosed space. Everyone's moving very fast.

It's a pressure cooker. I'm not saying that the other sports don't have pressure

cooker moments, but I will say from experience, hockey is consistently a pressure

cooker. So that adds to the level of anxiety, right? And my wife, my wife always

talks about it in a nice way of the cult. This is the cult, right? We're in the

cult. And I always joke, she's not wrong. Like we are our during the season and

not out of the outside of the season. But, Christy, you bring up a very interesting

point, and I'm going to, you know, use my own experience. When we started this

show, my son was just starting out. And I think I'm in my sixth or seventh year

now. And parents listening, especially for younger kids. And I'll tell you and Mike

this, Christy, is that I'd say my anxiety is really dropping rapidly now,

right? In the sense of, I had it the last few years. I think it was managed, but

this season specifically, I'm feeling less and less. I think that's just because I

hit a point of extreme understanding of what this is. And that's what I'm going to

talk about here. And it's a behavioral experiment for your kids to become better

humans. And I think when I got in real touch with that and I added the patience

to it, that's why I'm pretty calm now with things. I'll give you a great example.

Again, my daughter, right? My daughter is nine, and I love coaching her. I love

watching her play more than anything. But like most kids at nine, some game she

shows up, and it's like, wow, you played, I mean, you did everything out there.

That's amazing. And the very next game she might show up, and there might not be

an iota of that effort. And it can be easy as a parent, like, well, you just did

this last game. How come you're not? Because she's nine. And that's part of growing

up is understanding it. So what I focus on, and parents, this is my advice. I'm

never focusing on the outcome, the score, the points. I'm focusing on the behavior.

And I think that's something we don't do enough when it comes to the emotional

load. The behavior is, hey, your work ethic was not the same. Why do you think

that is? Never do this in the car ride home, by the way, right? These are just

conversations I have a car ride home conversation. Yeah, I'll do. I'll do.

drops, right? This is a process. They are becoming human. I mean, they're kids

trying to become young adults with all of life's things. Look, adversely, my son,

right, who never had a hard time working hard. There's other distractions in his

life now, and he's having to learn to compartmentalize him. Is it frustrating? Yeah,

sure, right? Like, I want to see that effort into everything. But he's 11 going on

12. There's a lot change is happening right now. I've got to be respectful of that

and see the macro. So all I'm trying to say is kind of maybe as a first step is

there's a macro world, there's a micro world, right? We have to be able to see the

macro side of the growth and the ROI. And your kids are going to be jerks

sometimes and they're going to mess up. And that's part of the process, right? I

think if they weren't doing that, I mean, there's no perfect parents out there. I

don't there's any perfect kids, right? I mean, are there any listeners out there who

really believe their kids just perfect all the time and wonderful and there's no

issues ever? Because that doesn't exist. And I'm saying that parents to appease all

of us. So focus on the behavior, right? Because I'm going to tell you right now,

if you don't, I'm going to throw it back to all of us here. If you don't focus

on behavior, you're going to start gulting your kids. You're going to start making

them feel bad when they miss a game. You're going to start missing life events for

hockey. And I actually don't agree with that. I think there are some things that

Trump hockey. And that can also add to the emotional stress as well, right, gang?

Right. Oh, yeah. Less thing you want to do is start guilty in your kids because

once you start doing that, you're going to see them start to pull away from you

and the game. They could be really detrimental. And like, you've seen it with your

own kids. There is inconsistency. You know, some games, they look like superstars and

other games they're not and it's sometimes it's hard to accept that why weren't you

you know playing like the last time you played there's a lot of different things

going on in them they're growing up and you got to give them some space like how

about this too mike why can't you be great every single day that that you know

like we put this on our kids like you got to play great Mike I'm sure you're

great every single day with Christy you've never had a bad day in the newsroom

right I mean, it's just, like, we don't put that in the newsroom. Yeah,

no, it's, it's, well, it's so, it's, it's funny, right? When you're coaching, when

you're a parent and you're a coach, you're on the bench and you get to, you know,

that's one of the kind of cool things about coaching is you have to find the kids

that are on their game that day. You know, you have 15, 16, 17 kids. And you get

to say, oh, wow, these three kids, they're just kind of, you know, they're fading

off. And these three kids are, are really coming and they're helping the team and

they're focused and they're,

have to give the parent the opportunity. You know, you as a parent have to sit

back and they say, okay, well, this anxiety is not on me. I mean, I tried to make

sure my kid had a nutritious breakfast. I tried to make sure they, you know, got

to sleep on time. I tried to make sure they were all prepared. Like, you know, and

we've talked about this all the time, right? Don't pack your kids' gear. But, you

know, it depends on who they are and what age they are and what kind of executive

functioning skills they are you know we have to we have to help and guide them and

so we can help that relieve the stress of just being ready to go to a game that's

going to help me as a parent say okay well i tried to prepare as much as i can

here but now i'm going to have to put my hope in my child that he's going to

that he or she is going to you know fulfill our obligation today obligation today

to work hard and produce some good effort, not to score 15 goals, and you're going

to have bad days. And that's why you play for six months, seven months, right? I

mean, we've talked about this a number of times on the show that you cannot define

your kid and your season by one weekend. And that's going to happen all the time.

You're going to come in and out. And none of us would want that either, Mike.

Right. No, don't define me on my worst day. I mean, you know, please.

You never have any bad days. You never have any bad days. But I think the other

element that we have to consider is fun, too. I mean, if your kids aren't having

fun, why the heck are you putting them in sports to begin with, right? Well, and

the thing is, Christy, you know, what I've been finding lately is that you could go

in with that attitude like you should be having fun but people they forget like

that well you're not having fun unless you're winning and that's that's true yeah

it's true to a certain extent but there is there's so much more that the sport is

supposed to be able to provide our kids and unfortunately that's lost on the parent

that no longer has a kid playing that's you know that's you come to that revelation

when you're like oh crap i missed those nine years like i missed all of those

things that were going on and you don't remember all the bad losses you just don't

you don't remember you you can't think in your memmy break go oh remember that

saturday morning at at 630 when we went to siocet and you had a horrible game you

don't you don't remember those but you do remember that was a very specific memory

though i remember i remember i remember i remember I remember. I remember that.

I'll never forget that game. I'm going to remember that game. But there are certain,

you know, there are certain aspects of, of any pro athlete you talk to, right?

That's what they'll talk about. What do they remember? I remember the locker room. I

remember dinners. I remember team road trips. You remember you know, I remember all

the things. Remember each other. Yeah. And you as a parent, Christy, you said this

a million times. Like, you remember the people you did bake sales with and you went

on road trips with and you stuck it out over Thanksgiving and Christmas breaks with

and everybody else was enjoying their family. Your family was the hockey family. And

I think that's, you know, and so you, you know, being around other people that have

stable, you know,

attitudes about the game just will help you have a better attitude about the game,

I think.

I agree. Surround yourself with like -minded people is a lot easier. And then you

can kind of pull away from the negative Nellies, you know. And they're going to be

every team. You're going to have that core always chiming in on what's wrong with

the coaches and what's wrong with a team and what's wrong with a goalie. And You

just have to separate yourself from that and just focus on what's best for your

kid. You know, I wrote this down. There was that great quote from the office of, I

wish someone would tell us that we're in the good old days and we're in the good

all days. And that's another part of the puzzle here, my friends, is that youth

hockey is the good old days, right? And if there's anything Christie has taught both

Mike and I is these days are fleeting. You know, Christie's kids are both out of

house and in real world, out of college, moving on.

because I want to give some advice to people listening because I think they feel

the bearer of that weight, an emotional weight. Something I tell the kids on the

bench sometimes, really at multiple age groups is, hey, we got to change what the

win is here. I know we want to win the game, but let's change the win. The win

could be winning your shift. The win could be just having a hardworking shift. I

think as parents and even as coaches, you know, change what the win is, right? The

win shouldn't just be the outcome of the game. There's so little control over that

as the team. In the stands, you have literally zero control.

And Mike and I know this, the parent who's yelling for their kid to skate hard, I

hate to tell you this, and I'm not trying to be a jerk, you have zero control

over what's happening on the ice. None. It's not affecting it. It's only going to

hurt us. I don't know any game where I've gone to the stands at any level I'm

going, you know, buddy, when you yelled that to our player, that's why we won the

game today. That just doesn't happen. No, but there are, but there are a million

examples of doing that and you've lost the game. Because the player now is like

looking at you and looking at the coach and the goal is looking up and everybody's

looking where I was going. Like, you know, and I think that's, this is where you

look at these, everybody. Like even if you go to a, you know, we go to a lot of

Ranger games where I live, right? So we get to go sit in the stands and hear, you

know, 15 ,000 people tell people to pass and shoot. I wonder why they're not getting

in front of shots. I'm like, you go get in front of that shot. Yeah, crazy. We

got to get in front of that, man. But it's funny when you see that emotional

piece, like, you know, I often look at it. Like, I used to think that the mental

health part of parenting was that an ex -pro or somebody that played the game at a

very high level, I always thought that that person would have a better perspective

on like what the meaning of that game is. And over the last 30 years,

you know, I found that that's just not the case. It's like, you know, and what

happens is I think that people look at that ex pro and they see the way they're

acting, like, oh, that must be the way to get there. And we all know that's not

the way to get there. But it's just that that feeling that you could see the

anxiety in a parent and the way they are acting the stands and you just can't get

drawn into that you can't so mike that we have a question run down here that's

right along the lines and it's a great question and this is one of those questions

for both of you that there's not going to necessarily be a correct answer but

there's a great discussion to have here and it's how can parents model emotional

resilience and balance when they're feeling overwhelmed themselves. So I love that

question because your kids, look, we know we kind of know anxiety across the board

is higher now in the youth, whether we want to scoff at that or not. There's more

anxiety now than there was in the past for whatever reason. So how are we as

adults supposed to exhibit the behavior we want to see? And I would say we're not

overall doing a fantastic job at that. No, we're not. And I'm going to tell you,

I hate seeing kids throwing temper tantrums out there on the ice. I will never

forget the time where, you know, a kid thought that the ref made a bad call and

put him in the penalty. He took his stick and he broke it over his helmet. His

mom was sitting right next week. She goes, I just bought that $325 stick.

And she went down there and said, you're done. He pulled him right off the ice.

Pulled him off the ice. He was done for the game. Done for the game. And I

plotted her. Boy, he never did that again. Yeah, I hope he got a wooden stick

after that, too. So, yeah, exactly. You're skating with a wooden stick. There you

go. So, yeah, we have to model good sportsmanship, obviously, in the stands.

And kids, if they're not after a game, if they lose and they're not fist bumping

the other teammate, if they're, you know, throwing temper tantrums, you've got to cut

that behavior as soon as you see it. Cut the head of that snake right off. Here's

one that gets me looks. Here's one that gets me looks. Mike, I think you'll

understand this one as a coach. Christy, you will too, but it gets looks. I'll

compliment the other team when there's a big save or a great pass or even a nice

shot. Now, I don't cheer, but I'll say, like, man, that was a great play. That was

a great save. And it's because parents, my mind is very developmental, hockey focused

at the youth ages. So when I see a great play, I can appreciate it. Doesn't mean

I want the other team to beat my kids team, right? And again, I'm not suggesting,

I've got to say, I'm not suggesting you all do that. This is me. But I get, I

get, looks like, what are you cheering for the other team? No, I appreciate good

hockey plays at the youth level. And I'll be honest with you, I kind of want my

kids to see that and learn from it because they'll learn more from understanding

that. My son is a goaltender. When a kid makes a great move and a great shot, the

result of this kind of thinking is I watch my son now kind of react to that and

say, okay, what happened there, he compartmentalizes it, he actually, you'll see him

practice the save he didn't make, and he'll get back in the game. So he can

appreciate a good shot. He doesn't like being scored on, all right? But I'll tell

you what, he's not breaking his stick over the net when there's a goal. He's not

blaming his teammates. You know, I'm really proud of the way he's handling that this

year. That's great. I love to hear that. Yeah, not enough kids. And I don't know

if parents are instilling that in their kids. There's so much negativity up there.

And then you see it play out on the ice. Well, Christy, I'll tell you this. And I

really, I hope this does not come across as bragging. It's not. The thing that I

am most proud of, I think, is a parent is that when I'm in the stands, right, on

the bench is a different territory. But when I'm in the stands, specifically my son,

right? Because I'm on the bench lot with my daughter, he only looks to me for

reassurance or like he'll actually salute me. Like it's like just saying hi. He

never looks at me in moments of what's dad going to think like because I made a

mistake. Right. When the puck goes in, he looks at me for like the thumbs up or

reassurance. I'm proud of that. That's the relationship I want with my kid. Now

look, that's me. I'm I'm not really trying to tell anybody how to parent because I

know there's other parents who don't have that relationship with their kid and

there's parents who think that that's correct. I do not agree with you and that's

okay. We don't have to agree. But that's what I'm most proud of, okay, is that my

son's not looking at me in fear, my daughter either, by the way, when I coach. All

right? And they want to learn. And look, I've had to have the conversations with

them over the years. Just so you know, this isn't always been like this of, they'd

come back to the bench, and I'd be coaching them. Remember, I'm coaching them. And

I'd start to get pushback. And what I do is I sit them down and say, I'm not

criticizing you as a person. I'm coaching you. I'm trying to teach you to be

better. Do you understand? And they go, okay. You know, like you said, at first

it's like, well, you're criticizing my game. Well, you turn the puck over in the

middle of our zone. I have to coach that. That's a problem. Okay. I'm not

criticizing you as a person. We don't have that conversation enough it's just you

made a mistake and look i've seen kids cry on the bench with their parents yelling

at them all right which which i will tell you that is incorrect that should never

happen okay i do not agree with that right i think that's a problem um but look

i'm going to say this too kind of keeping us back on track it takes a village

right mike will laugh at this something you learn in coaching by year two or three

yeah i've been doing the six years is your kids are more likely to listen to the

other coaches on the bench than your their parents so we end up tag teaming right

so many conversations can you tell my kid this and they go can you tell my kid

this like we trade it's like trading cards like yeah okay i'll fix this problem and

they listen they listen to the other person super normal super normal the reason i'm

bringing that up parents is that if we have to do that as coaches what do you

think they're responding to when you tell and they did something wrong right it

takes a village it takes a village go ahead chris right and a lot of times when

my kids ask me my opinion on how they were doing i'll throw it back how do you

think you were doing and we'll have that conversation and then they said what do

you think i could do to do better i said you need to talk to your coach you know

or go to you know someone who knows what they're talking about because uh and i

want them to find the answer's on their own. Love it. Yeah. So do your homework,

do your research, talk to people you trust. Advocate. Yeah, advocate for yourself.

Yeah. That's a life skill. Yeah, absolutely. Especially when you think the coaches

have been fair to you. Mom, coach, you know, how come I didn't get to play this

game? Well, I don't know. Why don't you go talk to them by now? Right. And usually

they get, you know, the answer that it kind of surprises them. Right. It realized

that they were, you know, not skating.

people, oh, well, the eight -year -old can. Yes, they can. Six -year -olds, sure they

can. The conversation's not going to be great, but they can have the conversation.

But let's talk about actionable advice. If your kid is having a problem and they

want to talk to the coach. Okay, parents, first off, you want to set them up for

success. Sit down, write out questions. I tell the kids I coach all the time, great

questions, demand great answers. If you listen to this show for a long time, you've

heard me say that. Going up to a coach and saying, why am I not playing more is

not a good question. And you're going to get the answer you would expect of

aggression. When you're not trying hard enough, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, okay? A

great question is, I would like to earn more ice time. What actions can I take to

earn more ice time? What are you seeing out there? Now, that's a great question.

Coaches want to coach. Sit down with your kid. Write out great questions. I have

worked with parents where I've said, I want your kid to come with three questions

prepared for the next practice for me. So I can make them a better hockey player.

We've got to teach our kids to do that. Now, disclaimer, not every coach is an

awesome coach. You could go to a coach with a great question and they could give

you a horrible answer. Am I answer to you parents? Is that fair? No, but you know

what I'm going to say next? Neither is life. This is a life lesson. You're going

to have bosses. You're going to have people you deal with that are not.

available. Kids who play you sports are infinitely, infinitely more prepared for

collegiate world and the real world because of the adversity that they face. And I

love the quote that in ice hockey, we face more adversity than a weekend than most

people do in a month. You compound all those hockey weekends over that 10 -year

period. Your kids prepared, and it's our role as parents to guide them on that

journey. Guide, not do it for them. The kids that I see fail after hockey,

their parents did everything for them. You got to let them fail, and it's going to

hurt. Like, I'm now speaking from experience. It hurts, all right?

But I will tell you, especially the younger parents, as said before the anxiety

should reduce right i've actually heard some parents that say it gets higher the

higher the older they get and i believe that in terms of like when you're looking

at colleges but i don't know look when i get there i'll have a bit or a bit of

a more you know christie you've been through it you got to play d1 yeah and she's

in law school now and i can see those hockey skills kicking in advocating for

herself she drops the glove in the courtroom like what did you say what did you

just say She's really good at the corner room. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. You're on her.

Yeah. Yeah. So it's funny how you do, you do look back at some of those skills

they learned at hockey and some, some of the little lessons that they learned along

the way, especially when it comes to advocating for yourself. Right. Because both of

my kids had experienced a time when a certain coach wasn't giving them the playing

time that they think they deserved. And rather than me calling up the coach and

interrogating them, I gave it, gave them the duty of finding out and having that

conversation with the coach. And I can see it now playing out in their lives, you

know, Joey and his career and Sophia, even at law school, she just last week had

an issue with something and kind of questioning the professor as to how he was

grading certain things, and she did what she had done so many times as she

advocated for herself and had a great conversation, and it was very enlightening to

her, you know, about her understanding of, you know, what the process was. So, yeah,

Mike, you're being awfully quiet. Come on, we got to hear from you. No, I love,

these are all great. I mean, you know, I guess the strategy of being apparent and

being able to have your own self -control, I think, is the number one thing.

son or daughter without rose -colored glasses. I mean, it's really hard to be like,

you know, and not compare them, well, so -and -so's not doing this. Why isn't my kid

getting this? And so -and -so does this, and my kid does. You know, so I find my

own personal anxiety is that I look at things through the lens of a coach. Like, I

look at things through the lens of, you know, maybe not the best player on the

ice, but, you know, who's who's the guy who's the guy who know you're going to

step like like to me I love little things like kids picking up pucks and kids

cleaning up the bench and it's being the last one in the locker room to clean up

and like those are expectations like I expect that of my kid and I guess in a lot

of ways I go well coach will notice that and the reality is most youth coaches

don't notice it because they're just not coaches they're just they just happen to be

on the bench you know running line like you noticed it well i noticed it i noticed

it from other kids i'm like wow that kid really should get you know that that kid

made what a great play that not even my own kid like i'll look at other parents i

now i don't by the way the disclaimer i don't sit with other parents i don't talk

to other parents you're that guy i don't i don't i don't like other parents i just

like i just i just let this is a show people listen to the show well yeah but

that's fine you can listen to the show and then and just sit in the corner by

yourself I love being with the parents. Yeah, I'm not a big, I'm not a big, like,

it's just because it's just hard for me to keep my mouth shut. Be like, no, that's

not really the reality. Like, your kid is good, yes, but you know what? That whole

play got made because of this or that whole thing happened because of that. And,

you know, we talked about just a little while ago about like, you know, we blame

goalies, like last line of defense, right? But the thing was, yeah, but none of

that would have ever happened If your kid didn't try to go, you know, rest across

the ice against five players. But yes. So, but, and that's where like when we

talked about like the emotional stability of a parent, I know where my emotions are

going to go. So I extract myself from that situation. I can respect that, Mike.

Because I know that I'm going to be like, okay, you want to have an argument about

this? Because I'm not going to lose the argument. I'm going to make my point. But

by making your point, you just alienate yourself because a lot of those a lot of

the people you're talking to don't have the ability to parse what that even is yeah

and like you know one of the things that you're actually making me think of real

quick is that one of the reasons the show is so great is because we all are we

all have very different personalities we're all different parents and different types

of people in the game and I love that because like I I enjoy sitting with the

parents. So I'm a bit of a chatty chatterbox. I mean, people know that. But I

enjoy. I just enjoy the camaraderie and stuff like that. And I'm not saying you

can't do this, Mike, but I actually enjoy sometimes separating the coach from the

parent for myself. And when I'm in the stands, like I, you know, I hear things I

don't agree with, but I kind of just, I just compartmentalize that a way of I'm

not coaching right now. I did want to say this too, kind of turn the conversation

a little bit. You know, Christy, you're talking about your kids. You are such a

great role model for your kid. You're such a tremendous person. And where I'm going

with this, I was sitting with Christy's son a couple years ago. And I had asked

him, what is it like to grow up with a mother who is a news anchor?

And again, for those of you who might be new, you know, Christy is an award

-winning news anchor in Syracuse. She is a news. She's on the news. She's on the TV

every day. Okay. Like, she's got two schmucks with her on this show. I can't

believe she shows up every week, but that's who Christy is. And her son said the

most curious response, he said, well, it was always a little weird sharing mom with

the entire community, but she was always there for us, and she was always

encouraging us and teaching us what to do. Now, where I'm going with this is this.

If Christy can be shared with the entire Syracuse metro area and still find the

time to mentor her kids. We all can, right? And, this is why I always say you're

such a mentor to me, right? And by the way, have a wonderful attitude while doing

it. All right. The thing is this, and this is where I'm going with this, right?

And this is new for me this year. My mother -in -law was in town from Puerto Rico

this past week, okay? Surprise visit. And for the first time,

I think, ever,

And I'm going to say this very pointly to everybody. I love the game of heights

hockey a lot. I mean, there's few things in this world I love more than ice

hockey, but the one big one is my family. And I'm able now at where I'm at in my

life to recognize that there's no practice, there's no game, there's nothing that's

more important than him getting this time

And, you know, I message the coach. And, and Mike, to your, to your credit, I did

request. I did say, hey, listen, here's what's happening. If it's okay with you, can

we excuse Logan from practice tonight? I didn't say he's missing. All right. And,

you know, what do you think the response was? Of course, of course, absolutely.

Please spend the time with his grandmother. I think we all need to do a gut check

on that type of stuff, too. Because I think we're missing a lot of big moments for

hockey sometimes and it's actually the non -hockey people that have taught me you

don't need to miss that time with your family right because you don't know how much

time you have with your family so i think we're talking about quelling anxiety i my

anxiety was quelled with that decision of like what why am i putting the game ahead

of this so this is kind of real talk it took it a little more serious but i did

want to throw that to both of you, right? Because it can be very hard, Christy,

for Mike and I to say, no, no, we have hockey. And it's like, sometimes you've got

to say, no, I've got family. I'm glad you said that, you know, especially after

what my family has been through. You've been through health. You know, my husband,

who was the greatest hockey dad that ever lived.

You know, he passed away. It's almost three years now. And he always made family a

priority, always. You know, if there was a choice between, you know,

heading to a tournament because, you know, we had to be there and coaches are

putting pressure. We got to have your kid there. But if it was a family event that

was really precious, it would have meant a lot to family, then he would pick family

over hockey every time. So, and I always, no matter what, made time for my kids,

even if I've been dragging them to public appearances. So, you know, I'd have to be

at the state fair every day. Come on, get you go to the state fair. You're going

to help me, you know, sign autographs. We're going to do the milkshake contest

together. I always made sure to include them in everything that I could. That's

awesome. So, yeah, and they have those great memories. And I have no regrets. I can

say that because the time is so fleeting. I have no regrets. I love your son

response, Christy. It was so full of love. How many shades are red of I now? 20

shades of red. Oh, you've got the. That was so sweet. Your kids are so great.

Yeah, I do have two great kids. But, and, you know, Hagee was such a big part of

our life, which is fantastic. But we didn't make it our life, which is really

important. Right. And, you know, Mike, I'll throw it to you, but, Christy, what you

just said, I think that's the point, right? Like, and again, Mike and I, it

literally is our professional life, but it's not, it doesn't overtake my family,

guys. I, I, I don't know how to say that any more blunt, like my family comes

first. Now, I will say this, I know not everybody has a wonderful family situation,

and I, I don't want to gloss over that, right? I know spending time with family

for some people is not a joy, okay? So I, but, but priority wise,

it's okay to have some things that are above hockey, right? If you, you know, your

kids, things like that. Mike, I do want to get your thoughts on this too. Yeah, I

mean, my, my thoughts probably have changed over the years a minute. I mean, I

probably wish I would have done more family stuff when my kids are younger and

forego the hockey a little bit. But I think what happens is like I don't know the

positions I've been in like as a hockey director or or a lead coach on a you know

I would say you know pretty important teams these aren't like you know a rec team

or something these are teams that are you know take months in the making and big

schedules and juggling 20 families other other families rosters and their time like

so I don't know from my perspective you know I probably and I think and This is

for a parent, too, to, like, really look at your coaches and understand how much

they sacrifice for your family. Like, it's easy for you as a parent to say,

you know what, we're going to choose to go with this family event on this

tournament weekend. But for the head coach, that's the family person, they now have

to answer to 20 other families. Like, they don't get to just take the one family

out. You're leaving, like, it's the one person leaving 20 families, not, not, you

know, one person extracting themselves out. So it's a little different, I think, from

a, from a coaching parent perspective, because, I don't know, and maybe it was not

even, maybe it wasn't justified, but I would feel the pressure of, well, I'm the

one that scheduled a tournament on Thanksgiving weekend. I probably should be there.

Like, I probably could be the one that, you know, I can't just get, yeah, I'm

going to schedule Christmas in a New Year's tournament. Oh, but by the way, my

family is more important to me. Right. So I'm going to go, I'm going to go spend

time. Well, let me just, yeah, let me just clarify. We would always, at the

beginning of the season, let them know. Oh, by the way, we have this event coming

up just so you know. And we don't, we don't, you know, hit a blindside him with,

oh, we're not showing up to the tournament. No, that about it. But I think that's

why when we have these conversations all the time, we're like, but that's, that's

where you have to be, you know, lay your parameters at the beginning of the year.

If you're a coach that is, doesn't care about, you know, being home for Thanksgiving

with your family. And yeah, then, but then make the point of saying, listen, I,

we're going to my Thanksgiving tournament. Do we all want to go to this? Right. And

if 18 other families say yes, then you go for it. But don't, don't, but don't on

the Monday of Thanksgiving say, oh, by the way, I know we scheduled Thanksgiving

tournament, but I can't be there. Yeah, I just want to clarify that. We would never

blindside. And it's funny. So because my life, my life change as a hockey coach.

Like when I had kids, like before I had kids, I'd have no, literally,

I'd have no problem having practice on New Year's Day. Yeah, why not? I'd be like,

oh, 7 a .m. practice. What an unbelievable time. The rink's empty. We're going to

have everybody at Everybody at the ring. And we've done that. And it is a great

time, honestly. I guess there's no one around. It's the best time to skate. But

then you're a parent. Halloween, Mike. And you're sitting there going, oh, yeah,

Halloween. I mean, every year, every year I watch programs do the same thing. The

Tuesday of the Halloween week, they cancel practice on Halloween. I'm like, you know,

you know, it's the 31st. Right. All the time, you know, You know, just isn't it

the 31st? Well, whatever it is. So just you don't even put it on the schedule.

Well, this is what I did. And this was a victory in my mind. We have our

elementary school practices on Friday. Halloween was on a Friday this year. So, you

know, we put it out to the parents earlier. Like, who can, who wants to be there?

We had six kids signed up. I live very close to the rank. My kids went to skate.

I said to the head coach, it's optional for you. I'll show up. I'll run through

like a fun skate for an hour. It's four o 'clock. It's not like it's trick -or

-treating time. I had a great time. But I didn't take it seriously in the sense of

like I didn't put together a full practice plan. We just did some good stuff and

had fun for the six kids who wanted to be there. With that said, Mike, you brought

up a great point. It's all about perspective for the young coaches listening. I

understand. I'm not, this is not a bad thing. Mike's right. We didn't have the

perspective when we were young on Thanksgiving. All we wanted to do is hockey.

Parents might want to take off and you got to understand that. That's why on every

gym I've been on now, there's a poll at the beginning of the year of what, what

tournaments can you do do do you want to do? And the best managers wrote, there's

no pressure. If you don't want to do it, say no, that's okay. But yeah,

like spending that time with family gang, it's really important or just time away

from the rank in general can be very important. You can't just do it to do it.

But I But I just want to let the family's out there know that it's okay. It's

okay to spend some time with the family over hockey. Look, I want to round this

episode out with a question. We always talk about the hockey community. I had said

earlier, it takes a village, right? Communally, we can do better at quelling anxiety

for each other. All right? I think what happens with specifically parents is we all

kind of lock ourselves in our own emotional stress in our brains and end up kind

of acting like, oh, everything's fine. When you're really going through something,

it's not super healthy. Now, I'm not saying you need to go to the rink and make

it a therapy session in any way. That's not where I'm going. But I think it's okay

to share with each other the whatever you're feeling sometimes about what's going on,

right? So the question is before us, you know, what can we do as a hockey

community to better support the emotional wellness of parents and not just players in

talking about kumbaya here i you know i don't want anybody to think that what can

we do as a community to make this a better environment for the parents out there

because we're all feeling it like i said well we can all step up right um there

was one year or a mom on the team um was diagnosed with breast cancer and she had

four of the kids right so everybody on that team stepped up to help her out when

she was you know going through her treatments or, you know, her chemotherapy and she

was weak and tired and, hey, you know, well, we got you. We got you. So when I'll

step up, we take the kid to practice or, you know, bring her food, you know,

babysit the other kids. So there are things we can do, you know, be observing. A

lot of times they're not going to ask for help these parents who are struggling or

might be going through some difficulties, but use your power of observation.

You can tell what someone has had for up time. And then, you know, you quietly ask

them, what can I do to help you? What can I, can I, you know, I'll take your kid

to practice. You know, they can stay in the hotel with us. You stay home this

weekend. You know, get your rest you need. Yeah. That's a great suggestion,

Christine. Right, right. There's lots we can do. You know, you don't need an

organization to do it. You can do it individually.

sudden like five or six people want to go, five don't want to go, or you're going

to play a team that you know you're going to get your doors blown off by. And

that anxiety really builds up the parents, you know, and they start,

they start like projecting that to the kids. So I think knowing that, and you know,

to your point, Chrissy, you know, be, be observing. Don't just walk through the hall

of your head down. You know, find, find advocates on your team parents that can

help you and are willing to say, hey, listen, so -and -so is really struggling. Don't

you know that their father just passed away? Or don't you know that, you know,

something happened at home or the person just lost their job or, you know, you

can't just go through the youth. It's a long season. It's a lot of time together.

If you don't know anything about what's going on with your team, you know, off the

ice, then, you know, it's a hard way to coach nowadays, unless you really know kind

of the whole picture of what people are going through. And if you can't do it as

a coach, then try to get somebody that can help you, like that nosy mom or

something. Just get her involved and say, listen, I need you to tell me what's

going on here because I need your help. Like, because I want to be able to be,

you know, there for the rest of the families. I love that, Mike. And again,

messages, this goes back to earlier in the episode two, it's okay for coaches to

tell their players, hey, look, we're a team that's going to help people, right? We

help each other. Our families, you can tell your kids that we help each other. Of

course, you've got to advise them to the dangers of not just blindly helping people,

but if you're in a team community, we're going to help each other. We're going to

take this kid to practice, like you said. Christy, we talked earlier about how do

we exhibit this behavior for our kids? Well, you come together for each other. I

think that's a really important thing. And I'll tell you what, the hockey community

is tremendous, tremendous when people are in need. Okay. And I'm not short -changing

that with this comment. I wish we could do that when people weren't necessarily in

need also, right? There's nothing going to stop the hockey community, like you said,

Christy, someone is fighting an illness or a lost -a -loved one. We always come

together in those moments. I would love to see us doing that not in those moments

as well. And I think a lot of people do. I'm not trying to downplay that, okay?

Because we, you know, I say this all the time. I care so much for the kids that

I coach. Mike, I know you do too. Like we really care about your kids, right?

And I know you do too, right? I know you think about the other kids on the ice

too, especially if you're listening to the show. The person who's not doing that's

not listening to the show. And if you are, hey, welcome aboard. Listen, I'm going

to close it out on this.

does provide quite a bit of anxiety right so just remember you're not alone we're

here for you and we have to say it right gang that if you are feeling this and

you don't need to talk to write us an email okay um it doesn't have to go on the

air just write us a message write us an email team at our kids playhockey dot com

or use the the link in the description you guys hear me say that every episode if

you just want to talk about it for those are you listening we get emails like that

all the time not every email we get actually most of them go on the air right

this is the community so that's my final thought christie i'll let you have the

final it's just it's a great community yeah um and you can be a part of something

really positive and great hopefully you won't you know be that negative uh influence

it because those people stick out my mind i'm looking back, I can picture them out.

And I can also, honestly, think of all the people that really,

you know, stepped up personally for my family, you know, after we lost my husband.

And during the years, when, you know, families went through difficult times, they

stick out in your mind. And you do. And you just, yeah, you're just really grateful

for the fact that we were a part of something really special, which is hockey.

Those are the memories that stick with you, by the way, just to echo Mike before.

Those people who took care of you and I remember those people, right? Mike,

did you have one more thing? You have your pointing at me. No, no, no. No, Chris

is right. You guys are right. I mean, it's just, you know, make the best, make it,

if you want to have a great program, then help make it a great program. I mean,

if you want to, you know, have a positive environment environment for your kids and

make a positive environment for your kids. I mean, people are never going to, you

know, look at you like, oh, I can't believe this guy wants to do another team

party or this guy wants to do another, you know, buy everybody a cup of coffee in

the morning. You know, just be a good person and be there and know and look across

at somebody in the stands and you don't have to, you don't have to confront them

like in front of everyone else. You can just say, hey, listen, wow, I really, you

know i've been a part of the game a long time i saw that you you know i saw

that you struggled there a little bit with your kids playing time you know let me

give you an example what happened with my kid with his playing time or whatever i

mean you know you know you can just say listen oh those stinks and you know that

that happened to me two years ago and guess what you know now my you know my kid

got over it and he doesn't remember you know so a jerk face we're all dealing with

it okay okay we all got problems buddy You could also do that approach.

Yeah,

yeah, if you want to be on my live bar. You think you're special out there? If

you want to be on my live bar, click in the, you know, clip of the week, do

that. But I think if you, you know, but I think it's just one of those, you know,

one of those things where you just be a, we tell it to the kids, right, in the

locker, be a good kid. Yeah. Be a good person and look out for your teammates. And

I think that because of hockey, and it's not like, you know, soccer and football

like it's so big like soccer the field is huge people are all over the place

football it's it's huge you're not you know maybe the only other thing you can

think about it is maybe basketball because you're in a confined space but hockey

you're literally for for what for about 12 minutes every game you're all confined in

this tiny little 15 by 15 box between two doors of cold freezing weather and cold

freezing weather and you're stuck in the middle there with a cup of coffee waiting

for your game to start make the best of it it's the best it's the best it seems

apropos to end the episode on this you're not crazy the hockey world's crazy that

you put that on a t -shirt all right that's going to do it for this episode

christie i'm sorry we told you you would have the last word no hockey world is

crazy there Crazy. There we go. I like it. All right, gang. That's going to do it

for this edition of Our Kids Play Hockey. A tremendous little episode here with the

three of us. We're wishing you all the best in your hockey journey. We'll see you

next time. Remember, team at Our Kids Playhockey. Or find the link accompanying this

episode in the description. Send us a message your name where you're from. What'd

you like us to discuss or just what you want to talk about. We're here for you.

You'll have a great day. We'll see you next time on Our Kids Play Hockey. We hope

you enjoyed this edition of Our Kids Play Hockey. Make sure to like and subscribe

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