June 13, 2024

The Ride to the Rink: Advocating for Yourself with Coach Jenna Trubiano

In this episode of "The Ride to the Rink," hosts Lee Elias, Christie Casciano-Burns, and Mike Bonelli are joined by Jenna Trubiano, head coach of the University of Michigan Women’s ACHA Division I hockey team. Jenna shares invaluable advice for young hockey players and their parents about the importance of advocating for yourself and communicating effectively with coaches.

Key Topics Covered:

Self-Advocacy: Jenna emphasizes the significance of young athletes learning to advocate for themselves and how it impacts their development.
Communication Skills: Practical tips on how to approach coaches with questions and concerns, including the importance of timing and preparation.
Handling Emotions: Advice on managing emotions before having important conversations, ensuring discussions are productive and constructive.
Parental Support: The role parents can play in helping their children communicate effectively with coaches, including being present during discussions.

Memorable Quotes:

"It's a huge skill, something that I see with our college athletes. There's definitely a difference between those who have advocated for themselves before versus those who have not." - Jenna Trubiano
"Conversations go both ways. If you're going to have a conversation with a coach, you have to be in a position mentally to receive feedback." - Lee Elias

Jenna Trubiano’s guidance on self-advocacy and effective communication offers young hockey players and their parents valuable lessons that extend beyond the rink. Her insights into handling emotions, preparing for conversations, and the role of parents in supporting their children highlight essential skills for personal and athletic growth. This episode is a must-listen for anyone looking to enhance their communication skills and foster positive relationships with coaches.

Tune in to this insightful episode with Jenna Trubiano to learn more about the critical skill of self-advocacy in hockey and beyond. Subscribe to "Our Kids Play Hockey" on your favorite podcast platform and visit ourkidsplayhockey.com for more episodes.

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00:51 - Advocating for Yourself as a Player

11:19 - Building Relationships in Youth Hockey

17:15 - Creating Great Conversations for Kids

WEBVTT

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hello hockey skaters and goalies around the world.

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Welcome back to another edition of the ride to the rink.

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This is lee elias, with mike benelli and christy casciano burns, and we are joined today by jenna trubiano, who is the head coach of the michigan wolverines division one women's hockey program, and she is here today.

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We're going to have a quick discussion for you, the kids listening and your parents, because they're probably next to you about what it means to advocate for yourself and talk to a coach, and the importance of you being able to learn the skills throughout your youth hockey journey to speak with a coach and have a conversation with a coach, because, as Jenna's going to say here in a minute too, it really, really matters when you get to high level high school hockey, collegiate hockey and beyond.

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So, jenna, I'm going to bring you in once again.

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Thank you for being here today to talk to the kids.

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Talk to us a little bit about the importance of advocating for yourself as a young hockey player.

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Thank you for having me.

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It's like Lee said, it's a huge skill, something that I see with our college athletes.

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There's definitely a difference within the scope of our program and current players and past players, those that have seemed to advocate for themselves before, versus those that have not, versus those that have not.

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And something that I really preach with my student-athletes is communication, and that means, if you have a question, addressing it directly with the coaching staff yourself.

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So we try to be as open and flexible as possible.

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I prefer in-person meetings.

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I always think those are the best.

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Flexible as possible.

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I prefer in-person meetings.

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I always think those are the best.

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I understand it's not always feasible, just with ice times and other obligations, especially at our level, and not having a dedicated space for our program, but it's really helpful for us as a coaching staff when students approach us directly and know how to ask questions, even if they may not like the answer to it being receptive to.

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I hate the word feedback, but feedback as well.

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Understanding, you know that they're nobody's perfect.

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I'm not perfect as a coach, um, but if there are things that the coaching staff feels they need to work on, being open to hearing that and, um, being able to adapt if necessary.

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I, something that I always end our conversations with is, like, do you have any input or feedback for me as a coach?

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Like, are there other things I can work on?

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Like, how can I help you?

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Like, what do you need from us as a coaching staff to get better?

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Um, and a lot of times with, especially at our level having to manage, you know, almost 30 athletes.

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Um, ideally, you know, I'd love to talk with everybody every day, but it doesn't happen because everybody's on their own schedule.

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So, like, if there is something that you want to discuss, I, you know, usually 24 hours is a good rule for me, because I never want to act on emotions and I think 24 hours is a good rule to have, and I learned that from an old boss of mine.

00:03:27.349 --> 00:03:32.180
but, um, yeah, just can't wait to talk to you.

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Like, let's say, the game ends and a kid feels like you know why was I on the bench so much and you know how come I didn't get enough playing time.

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Should they wait to talk to you?

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And what's a good approach for a little kid?

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To go up to a coach and say, hey, coach, how come I'm not?

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I'm not, I'm on the bench so much.

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What's your advice for a kid?

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I think at the youth level.

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Um, if you have a question or concern, I think it is appropriate to ask the coach when they're able to talk.

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Um, something I've learned you know I might be ready to talk but the other person may not be ready to talk, and understanding that it's a two-way communication.

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But expressing interest in having a conversation is a great first step and especially at that level, with people living all over the place, I think it is appropriate to try to initiate that conversation right away.

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To try to initiate that conversation right away.

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I do think it is important to understand that sometimes things may get emotional if they are, especially regarding playing time.

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Even at our level it is something that comes up a lot and a rule that we have is we won't discuss playing time on game days.

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We do have players at our level that do not dress though.

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So it is a little bit different than the youth level, where I hope that everybody's getting ice time and dressing.

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So our level is a little different in that sense, where we have I think last year five players not dressing every game because we are at the collegiate level.

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So that's a rule that we have, but at the youth level obviously it is a little different.

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Well, and I'll say some actionable items for the kids listening out there, and you can do this with your parents.

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It's completely normal to have maybe a little fear to talk to a coach, especially if you have something you want to talk about, like ice time or something that might be a little scary to ask.

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So the first thing I want you to know, kids, is that it's absolutely normal to feel a little anxiety when you have to have a conversation with a grownup.

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What we used to do when I was a kid and I still do this sometimes today, if I have to have a very uncomfortable conversation is I'll write out my thoughts and I'll write out the things that I want to say on a piece of paper.

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I don't think there's any shame in that, right?

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But if you're going to have a conversation with a coach, you should sit down with your parents, maybe write out here's the things that I want to talk about and ask your mom and dad does this sound right?

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Does this feel right, right?

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I think another thing, too that Jenna was alluding to is that, if you will say this word, are emotionally compromised, and that means that you're having big feelings right now.

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You're angry, you're sad, you're excited, whatever it is.

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If you're having big feelings probably not the best time to go talk to your coach, all right, you have to be able to control those feelings so that they don't control you.

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And once they subside and move away, that's when you want to sit down with a pencil and paper, or on a computer or on a phone, just write out your thoughts and then you can walk up to a coach with that paper and say coach, can I talk to you for a minute?

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These are the things that I want to say.

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Jenna also made a really important point.

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Conversations go both ways and I think that we can forget that sometimes.

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If you're going to have a conversation with a coach excuse me again we'll use ice time as the example, because that's the most common one you're going to get.

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I'm not, I'm not guessing.

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You're going to get feedback on what you need to improve upon in order to get ice time and you have to be in a position mentally to receive that information, whether you agree with it or not.

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That is always up to the eye of the beholder, but if a coach is giving you information, you have to receive it.

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It's very rarely an immediate gratification situation to have a conversation like this.

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And then again, jenna made this great point as well of yeah, if you have a question, if you're curious about something, you should always ask.

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I as a coach, mike as a coach, we want to know what you don't know so we can help you learn it.

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And if we don't know that, we will assume at times that you know something right.

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And again, that's where this is a two-way conversation.

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But advocating for yourself is scary at times, especially when you're younger.

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But it starts with, again, your mom and your dad helping you have a conversation with a coach as young as 10 years old all right, or younger, and moving that up the ranks so that when you are 18 or 22 or in college, you have some practice and understand how to speak to adults.

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I have spoken for a long time.

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I'm going to throw this back to the panel here.

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Does anybody else have anything else to add?

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Yeah.

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So Jenna, for the younger set, for the kids.

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What's the best way to approach a coach?

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Do you cause you know kids can communicate in various ways?

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Now go directly up to them after a game, um, in the locker room, what's what's the best?

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or text them, yeah, yeah I, so I've been removed from the youth game for quite some time now.

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I, as a coach, I prefer, you know, in the locker room it's a team setting the team's around.

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You know, if we're debriefing a game and coach leaves the locker room I think before everybody leaves the rink I think that would be an appropriate time to you know, you had a quick question or you're like hey, you know, I'd love to talk before practice.

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On Tuesday, I'm usually with my athletes.

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A lot of them will text me to set up conversations and then I work with our coaching staff to make sure we have other people present as well.

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But I think, kind of going back to what we were discussing, it's a two-way conversation and also understanding what the conversation is going to be about is really important.

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So, like if an athlete was like hey, you know, I'd love to talk about my ice time from the tournament this weekend before practice.

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Okay, now coach has some time to prepare for the conversation, because I want the conversation to be productive.

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I don't want to be not prepared potentially blindsided by the conversation so that it's constructive.

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It's productive, it's constructive.

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It's a two-way conversation and I've done homework on what I need to do and if there are specific action items that the athlete wants to work on, you know I have that laid out.

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I like to write things down as well, so I'm very much a note taker, so that's usually how I prepare for those conversations, and it's helpful to know what those conversations are about, because if you don't, it could be about anything, right?

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So that's important.

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Kids Take notes, listen and do that, follow up question and always ask well, what can I do to get better?

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Always ask well, what can I do to get better?

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I'm sure a coach would be very open to helping you improve your skills so that you're in a better place.

00:10:28.799 --> 00:10:30.144
Well, I can throw it to Mike here too.

00:10:30.144 --> 00:10:35.017
And Jenna look, jenna, you made a great point about the topic of conversations are important.

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Sometimes I think people walk into a conversation kids, I'm talking to you, but parents as well.

00:10:39.375 --> 00:10:42.251
Well, I'll blindside this coach with this and they won't know what to say.

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That's not a good place to start a conversation.

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You want to walk into a conversation with trust and mike, just to get you involved as a coach.

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I believe that when I, when I know someone is genuinely, genuinely and generally trying to get better, that that makes an impact on me.

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When I see, see a kid specifically trying to improve their game, parents, that's for you too.

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But right, mike, that's one of the big things in youth hockey that I look for A kid who wants to learn at a developmental level is a gift.

00:11:13.357 --> 00:11:15.990
Right, but I mean, so we're talking.

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Jenna is right now becoming a seasoned pro, right, she's able to talk to other relatively they're adults.

00:11:22.195 --> 00:11:37.738
I mean you know they've gone through, we've talked about this prior, um, you know, in her process of recruiting and talking to these players she's got, she's built these relationships which unfortunately, at the youth hockey level you don't get to build those relationships really.

00:11:37.738 --> 00:11:51.514
So the only advice I would give at the at the youth level and I'm talking about like 15 and under 14, 12 year old kids is that there's nothing wrong and hopefully your coach would under, would would actually welcome this because it actually protects them as well.

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You know, if you're a parent of a child that that really has some disagreements with the coach or is disgruntled about some aspect of how they're playing, don't just, you can't always just and you gotta know your own kid but you can't just say, hey, you go talk to the coach, schedule a meeting, sit in the room, like I would never let my teenager go into their guidance counselor by themselves, and it comes back out like, well, what'd the counselor say?

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Well, you know nothing.

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Well, what do you mean?

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Nothing.

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You were in there for an hour and a half Like what did, what was accomplished.

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So I think it's the same thing.

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You could, you could be an advocate and be a mentor to your child by sitting in the room saying hey, coach, you know Michael has.

00:12:32.336 --> 00:12:34.581
Michael has a couple of things he wanted to say.

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I, you know, I'm not going to tell you my opinion, this is between you and him.

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I'm just here to be a support for him.

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I'm his parent, I'm the one that spends 98 percent of the time with them and you know I'm here in the room to support them, not not to attack you.

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And I think because, jenny, you, you made a point in an earlier conversation we had that these are families, these are people that are all.

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We're all working for the same goal and that's to have a great experience for your kid.

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The coach, the trilogy right, the coach, the parent and the player everyone has to work together in order for a great experience.

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So, depending on where you're at and the age you're at and the coach, you know and maybe it's an assistant coach, maybe you don't even go to the head coach.

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I know, like my, my assistant coaches used to love working with me because they're like I, get to just talk to the parents and be the good guy all the time and say, yeah, but Ellie is a little crazy, Like he ain't getting it, but I'll talk to him.

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I'll talk to him and just, you know, get in a real good rhythm of knowing your players.

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But again, at the youth hockey level, younger kids, there's nothing wrong with going into that space with the coach sitting down at the lunch table at the rink and saying, ok, listen, you're going to complain about it, just let's talk about it.

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And if we all now again, is that easy?

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No, it's, it's extremely difficult.

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You know, it's what's that?

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What's that money ball?

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Well, it's like, oh, you tell him.

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You know, you could tell them you could play first base.

00:14:02.221 --> 00:14:03.140
It's easy, right?

00:14:03.341 --> 00:14:05.043
It's easy, scott, it's incredibly hard.

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Anything we're doing is.

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But these are the kind of things like when you get to Jenna's level and you prepare your child to be able to talk to a college coach.

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You're building those blocks right now.

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So if you're in the car with your mom and dad and you're driving to the rink and you're disgruntled about your playing time or or the the you're not on the power play or that you don't think you're on the right group uh, grouping on defense talk, say mom, dad, I want to sit in the room with the coach, I want to advocate, but I I love your support and I don't need you to chime in, but I'm just want you there.

00:14:42.509 --> 00:14:45.033
So the messaging is very clear.

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At the Jenna's point Maybe you're not going to like the messaging, but you know somebody is going to say well, somebody has got to make this decision.

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You came to me, you play for my team, you already made the choice that you wanted to play here.

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So then the person that's leading that group you have to learn to work with.

00:15:05.085 --> 00:15:09.836
And we do this all the time and we talk about it all the time, how these are life skills.

00:15:09.836 --> 00:15:11.750
Well, that's what happens later on in life.

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You might not, you might hate it so you could change the situation or learn to work within the situation.

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But again, all these are learned behaviors and opportunities for people to grow.

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Getting to go into the locker room at Michigan with Jenna at that point hopefully, that 18 and 19-year-old kid now has all the tools to go in there and talk to another adult.

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I love it.

00:15:33.139 --> 00:15:35.091
Mike Jenna, do you have any final thoughts before we close this out?

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No, this was a great conversation and, like I said, I've been a little removed from the youth game.

00:15:42.557 --> 00:15:47.902
I did coach with Little Caesars 14U 2019-2020.

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And I also joined their season, I think in October, so about two months in, and then that was actually right as the pandemic started too.

00:15:59.535 --> 00:16:08.335
Yeah, I think there are a lot of skills that you learn in your youth hockey career that do translate into your college career.

00:16:08.335 --> 00:16:15.595
Even talking with professors like having relationships with professors is something that you know.

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That's how you get a letter of recommendation Like those are all skills you can start to learn when you're 10, 11, 12, 13, 14.

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Like those are all life skills.

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So, yeah, this is a very important conversation.

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And Jenna, you made a great point.

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This goes well beyond hockey.

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So for those of you young kids listening here, make sure you understand what Jenna's saying.

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That again, this is something you can start doing right now, having great conversations like this one.

00:16:43.232 --> 00:16:47.327
Christy, I did want to throw it to you one more time before we close it in, I think, the kids.

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You're going to be armed with some really good advice with this ride to the rink, so put it into good use and you're going to see it's going to apply in many areas of your life as well.

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There you go.

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Great questions lead to great answers, and great answers lead to great conversations like this one.

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That's going to do it for this episode of the Ride to the Rink for Jenna Trubiano Actually, jenna Trubiano, I'm going to say that correctly Christy Casciano-Burns and Mike Benelli I'm Lee Elias.

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We'll see you on the next edition of the Ride to the Rink, kids.