The Ride to The Rink: Why Great Teammates Have Uncomfortable Conversations with Bill Taylor

Hello, hockey skaters and goalies around the world, and welcome back of another edition of The Ride to the Rink. Kids, I don't know if you're on your way to the rink right now, but we got a great one here. Uh, Christy and Mike are here with our friend Bill, and we're talking about conflict. Conflict, kids, the arguments, the conversations, the things that you don't want to do with your teammates. Maybe it's because you don't want them to hate you, or maybe it's because it's just so uncomfortable. You don't want to have the conversation. But it's super duper important, kids, that you learn a little bit about this. And that's why we brought our friend Bill on again to do it. But I'm going to throw it to Christy right now for the first time.

Yeah, of course, you know, we're always telling you kids, you need to get along with your teammates, you need to respect your coach, which is very important. But Bill, what should kids do if they have a problem with someone they're playing with? Or, you know, they don't understand why the coach is telling them to do something. How should they handle that?

I mean, I think engage in in conversation, you know, with again, with the person that that they have a problem with. If it's a coach, go talk to the coach and just ask questions of the coach. Why, you know, to try to answer the questions they have, and then they can express if they have concerns or if they they, you know, their expectations aren't being met and things like that. That's that's where I would go is just have conversations, don't hold it in and don't tell other people. Um, go right to the person and and see, you know, try and figure it out.

Yeah, Bill, you know, I think uh, you know, the one of the biggest things I see in youth sports is the conflict between the player and the parent and what the parents' expectations are and what the player's expectations are. Can you talk a little bit about as a from a player perspective? You know, how can a player similar to a coach and a and a and a and a teammate, but you know, you're you're with the parent every day and you have to live with them and you have to have breakfast and dinner and and be traveling with them, you know, what are some strategies uh that you do you think we could add to a player that feels like there's conflicting uh you know messages and relationships between them and their parents?

Yeah, and this is I that's a that's a good question, and it's a tough question because I think we usually address it more from the parent to the to the athlete than the athlete to the parent. Um, I think, you know, as best as possible, try and work with your parent in advance and talk about what they're expecting. What do they want from you? Why are you in sport? Um, you know, what what are I don't know, you know, and then also for the athlete to say, here's why I do this, here's why I enjoy it, here's what I want to get from it. Um, they may not fully understand that yet, but I they do have some, I mean, there's a reason why they're doing the sport. So trying to get on the same page as much as possible so that both sides have the same or similar expectations, and they're not speaking two totally different languages thinking they're speaking the same language.

It's a great point. And and again, kids, one of the things I want to bring up here to you is we're talking like this is just go do it. Um, but we all know everyone here, it's not easy to do it. It's tough to talk to a teammate, it's tough to talk to your parents. So, kids, the one thing I want to tell you before I get to my question with Bill is this is that the the emotions, the feelings that go along with I don't want to talk to my teammate about this thing that's bothering me. Uh, remember, it's always worse in your head than it probably is. All right. And there's also a good chance, kids, the person that you want to talk to might not even be aware of what's bothering you. I'll give you a quick example. Let's just say you have a Pac Cog on your team, or you've got a player on your team that shouts and isn't skating that much. All right. And it feels like everyone knows that player is in the wrong. Well, that player that you're thinking about, honestly, honestly may not know that they're doing that. I know that seems crazy to you, but it's because no one has ever had this conversation with them that's uncomfortable. And that's a chance for you to be a bit of a leader, but you got to do it the right way, right? And this is where I'm gonna turn it to Bill. You don't want to go up to that player, Bill and be like, hey, you're puck hog, pass the puck. All right, everyone knows it. That's not how you do it, kids. That's very egregious and wrong. How would you approach that, Bill? You got a player, you don't want to have this conversation, you don't want them to hate you, but if something's something's wrong, you gotta do something about it.

Yeah, I mean, uh, it's uh like you said, it's never easy. I don't think it's ever easy, but um, the way to get better is to get through the tough stuff. Um, and I again I I always start with asking questions, and I so I don't know what the question would be exactly for that, you know. Hey, do you really you know how what's what why are you holding on to the puck longer? Why never pass? Why don't you pass? Yeah, um, do you, you know, do you see it? I don't I'm not sure the questions to ask exactly because I'm not in that situation. And I would hope, you know, that the the athlete that's in the situation knows what's bothering them. And so think of questions to ask that'll help that person recognize what they're doing and how it's affecting others. And then you can take the conversation further. Well, here's how it's affecting me. You know, in this situation, if you had a passed, I was wide open and you took it in with three people, you know, against three people, you know. So, what's best for us? What do we want to accomplish as a team? What do we want to accomplish as, you know, what are the goals? And if is that behavior matching up with the goals of the team and the expectations of the of the organization as a whole, I'm making that a little more complex, but really just have conversations and go at them in goodwill. Like you said, don't go in like accusatory, but really think of good questions to ask that can help you both work through the things.

Well, and the other side of this is kids, let's say you build up the the gumption to do this, okay? And you're gonna go talk to your teammate or talk to your parent. I I we have to be honest with you, there's no guarantee that their reaction to this is going to be a positive reaction. You might go up to your teammate with every good intention and say, hey, listen, you know, what are we not doing to help you pass that puck more? What are we not doing to tell and they might go, I always I you don't know what you're talking about. I always pass the buck. That's part of it too. All right. But Bill, I think I think that the step to take to just have the conversation, kids, that that's a skill. It's a skill that will pay off long term. And those of you that are willing to do it, I'll say like the right way, um, it's gonna pay off for you long term. And I'll tell you this, I can say this too, that when you get to the highest levels of sport, uh, you see people that are much better at this, that they're willing to have these conversations, they're willing to kind of be uncomfortable with you in these conversations. That is a separator, I find, as you get to higher levels.

Look, let me also say, you know, and this doesn't always happen, but sometimes the person responds with, ah, you know, I don't hog the puck. And then they go away and then they think about that. Right. And then they think, maybe, maybe, maybe I do, you know, or what I don't want to be perceived that way because they're concerned about what people think too. And so once it's brought out and they realize it's public and people are thinking this way, and they start to go through it, maybe they come up with a some solution down the road, even though your initial response was uh defensiveness and oh, well, that was worthless. Why did I even bring this up to them? It actually may, with some time, allow them to think about it and make some changes. They may not say, Oh, yeah, I am a you know, puck cog. They may just make some changes to their behavior and make an effort to pass and to do some things that are in the best interest. So don't judge the situation, even if it's if it if the outcome isn't is opposite of what you wanted initially, it still may have an opportunity to have a positive impact after a little bit of time.

I love it, buddy. And and for the kids listening, uh, again, there's nothing comfortable about an uncomfortable conversation uh when you're young and you're in it. But if you can learn to try and become comfortable with having those conversations, such a skill set. And kids, here's the other thing too. You can have these conversations with yourself as well. I'd be remiss if we didn't bring this up. Sometimes that the cut the uncomfortable conversation is what you're not telling yourself. And Bill, you're alluding to that. Like, maybe I'm not passing the puck. Yeah, maybe I'm not working as hard as I thought I was working. Maybe, maybe coach is right. Maybe I should not skate directly at the defenseman in front of me with the puck and turn it over on the blue line. Maybe that's the correct course of action. Uh, that one might be one of mine. But uh, Mike Christy, anything before I close this out?

Oh, are there any words we can give young hockey players to use in a conversation when they have some conflict in their lives, whether it's with a team or their parents or a friend?

Uh you know, I don't know about like specific words, but I do think this. Yeah, I think you should come at things um not intended, not um how do I say this? Don't assume that who you're having a conflict with has bad intentions. Uh, it would be best to come in and use words and use uh, you know, demeanor and everything with, I believe this person wants the best. Maybe they're, you know, in that situation you're talking about the the puck hog, maybe they think that they're going to help win it for the team, and that's why they're doing it. You know, I think it's best to have to believe the positive from people and approach them that way and use words and phrases that uh reinforce that. And then if they prove otherwise through repetition and reaction and things, well, then you know. But don't go in thinking, well, that's that they're just a jerk and they just they just want all the glory for themselves. Go in going, I think they want the team to win and they think that this is the best way. And so as we work through this, if I use the right language, we're gonna get a lot further and we're all gonna win for it.

Mike, anything from you? Sorry.

No, that's I'm I'm just I I'm processing the the how I'm gonna go about this with my team right now. I mean, I'm just like thinking, you know, what a great opportunity because we're, you know, this is this is really where we're when we're taping this. Uh, we're at the beginning of our season, and and I think it's just you know, one of the best practices of as you said earlier uh in our main show, uh, you know, to make sure you lay these things out and have them established and and and pre-planned, knowing that we're gonna have conflict. And I think if you're a player listening to this, you are going to have conflict during the season. There's no way around it. Um, and and you're gonna and it and sometimes it's gonna be conflict that is resolved, and sometimes, like as in the case, uh it doesn't get resolved, and then you know you make decisions at the end of the year. But within the season, you need to you need to learn how to either you know deal with the conflict that is resolvable, unresolvable, but just find strategies around what's best for you to make sure that you can approach every day to you know help your team succeed. Yeah.

Well, Mike, I'm really glad I threw it to you there. That was really good advice. I appreciate that. I'm not being funny. Uh Bill, any final thoughts on the kids before we go?

No, just I mean, grow and be brave and and do hard things so that you uh you're gonna you're gonna feel great for it. I mean, that's the value of sport.

I agree with you. And kids, uh, we say it every episode, especially makes sense today. Remember, we believe in you. You should too, wherever you're at on that hockey journey. Go have fun today, go learn something, go skate hard, and enjoy the game of hockey, kids. We'll see you on the next ride to the ring. Take care.