3 Things You SHOULDN'T Say To Your Kids Before a Game

Hello, hockey friends and families around the world, and welcome back to another

edition of Our

Kids Play Hockey. It's Lee with Christie and Mike today. Got a really great topic.

Most of you know,

we've said this 100 times, that our most popular episode ever is top three things

you should say to

your kids before they take the ice. We get a lot of references back to that. A lot of

parents have

said that they've used that episode. So we're flipping the script a little bit today,

and we

thought it would be interesting to talk about the top three things you should not

say to your kids.

before they take the ice. Now, a little context on this, right? This isn't going to be

the

ridiculous like, hey, kid, you suck and shouldn't play. That's not what we're going

for today.

We're going for some things that you might not even realize are things you

probably shouldn't be

saying to your kid before they take the ice. Again, all of it comes from a place of

love. We all

love our kids. If you're listening to this show, you love your kids, right? You're not

listening to

a podcast about youth hockey because you don't care. But it's our job to bring

these to you. So

today we're going to go over some things you should probably not ever say to your

kid before they

take the ice. Tell you why you shouldn't say these things to your kid before they

take the ice. And

then at the end, we're going to, in true broadcast fashion, pick the top three. But

to get started,

we're just going to go through some of these, right? And I'm going to throw it over

to my good

friend, Christie Casciano-Burns, live from the newsroom at WSYR in Syracuse,

New York, with one to

share. Yes, here's – I love that intro. Here's one to share. Telling your kid,

you are the best player out there. Go out there and prove it. Wow. I heard one mom

say this to her

kid, and immediately I said, okay, she's delusional. But then you think about the

message that

she's given to the – that's a lot of pressure to place on them and of course you

know and mike

mentions this all the time she only sees her kids so she may not have a realistic

she's you're only

watching your kid out there so to tell your kid you're the best player out there issetting them up

for failure what do you guys think Yeah, I mean, maybe maybe the player is the

best player on the

team out there. Right. But I think that's the whole idea about that's why we play a

sport. I mean,

it's it's it's if you're a tennis player, you're playing one on one. Maybe there's a

psychological

piece in there. Like, you know, you're you know, you're the best. You know, you've

trained for this

your whole life. You know, you can be that. That's a different message than, hey,

you're the way I

the way I'm thinking when I hear parents say that. And the context usually is, you

know,

you're the best player out there. So don't pass anyone. You control the play. You're

the one that's

going to make the difference. I'm not sure that's the right message to be sending

to your athlete

when they're leaving the car to jump into the rink.

How about the fact it's a team sport? It's a team sport.

It doesn't matter if you're the best player out there in a team sport. That's the

other thing, too.

You're making it individualistic. You're giving them a label. It can be tough. Look,

I'm going to give a great example, and I'm going to do it two ways because I know

we have a lot of

listeners both in Canada and the United States. Connor McDavid is the best player

in ice hockey,

and last season I watched him score a game-winning goal in overtime against the

Team USA in the

Four Nations face-off. which was devastating to us. And then this year in the

Olympics, he was on

the ice in the exact opposite situation. I'm using both so we can both Canada and

US feel the pain

and the joy together because he is the best player on the ice. And it didn't matter

in those,

well, depending on how you look at it, it was a team game. And in those moments,

he was there for

both of them. So yeah, telling your kid he's the best player out there. Again, things

you might say

to them, right? You might think that's endearing and that like, oh, I'm showing my

kid that I

support them. There's better ways to do it than that. And again, it doesn't add

anything. Go ahead,

Mike. I mean, we just had one of our co-hosts and Olympic gold medalist and

professional hockeyplayer talk about, you know, the ability to manifest things. Right. But I don't think

that this

falls into that category. This doesn't fall into the category of you're manifesting

your child's

ability to play. What you're doing is you're putting them in a place where you're

separating them

from us. And I think ultimately that's just not how the game works.

And it just really, to Christie's point, you all of a sudden put them in a place where

that

pressure, and again, maybe know your own kid, right? But all of a sudden that

pressure there, you

can see it in the players. Like you know the players that are being told that they're

the best

players and not to worry about what your teammates are doing because you see

the way they play. And

I think it's just that linear focus of you do what you do, don't worry about anybody

else,

is really where. you'll start to see the breakdown of that whole team piece. Right,

and let's get back to the importance of telling our kids how important it is being

part of a team.

And what a great example with the Olympics, right? After the gold medal goals

were scored,

what did those players say right afterwards? We, we, it wasn't me. They were

buoyed by...

having that camaraderie and and team ship concept that is just part of why they

won you know so and

i think if you're elevating your kid telling them hey you're the best go out there and

prove it i

think that you lose the whole concept of the importance of you're part of

something bigger than

yourself yeah you're part of a team yeah And you bring up a great point, because

we should try with

all of these to give an alternative. And I think for this one, you just said it's instead

of you're

the best player out there, it's, hey, be a great teammate today or be the best

teammate today.

That's a much better message than saying, you know, hey, you need to be the

best.

It's no, be part of a great team today. And I can tell you as a coach that that will

pay off far

more than your best player trying to dangle through five people on the ice and not

score a goal or

turn it over. Let's go to another one. I think, Mike, we talked in the pre-show a lot

about this.There's a few that could fall into this category, but I'm going to do the most

obvious one, which

is, hey, you need to score today. You need to get a goal today. I've heard this one

from parents.

Man, I don't know if that's the way to do it because now you're putting the entire

result of the

game on one kid. Just establish that's not how it's going to work. I don't care if

your kid's a

goal scorer or not. First off, a lot of different ways to contribute in a hockey game

aside from

scoring. I always want the kids to score as a coach, but you need to score today.

That type of ultimatum is not great. Or how about bribing them?

If you score today, you are going to get a new hockey stick. Those games you've

always wanted.

That is the worst thing you could do. It happens all the time. Again,

I always say pay for points. Don't just pay for, for if you're going to do it, make sure

it's not

just one thing, but don't also don't do that. Go ahead, Mike. Yeah.

But I think it's, I think it's really almost the why, right? Cause I mean, I actually, I've

seen a

couple of parents that I've been working with, like, and they're like, Hey, listen, if

you get a,

if you get a goal today or you get a shutout or you get a hat trick or. Like you'll get

the day off

of school or, you know, we'll give you like there's a reward system. And it's a

dangerous thing to

do because number one is that they have to actually succeed. You got to follow

through with it.

Right. Chris, you got it. Now you got to buy a mistake. You're like, oh, my God, like

that was a

dumb. That was dumb. But I mean, but how do you find the motivation for a kid

without the bribery?

And I think that's, you know, again, I don't even mind like the goal setting part, but

it's the

it's the like you have to score today. is something that's really not in your control

because what

happens then is like in the brain of a child like if they're like oh I'm the one that has

to score.

There might be four people, the other four teammates open to win the game. Yes.

And you're trying

to do the Michigan behind the net, trying to score. And it just breaks down the

whole idea of,

you know, maybe you don't have to score today is not the answer.

It's like, wow, you could really impact the game today. Yeah. How's that impactgoing to look?

Well, it's going to look at, there's a whole bunch of different things it can look like.

you know

i'll tell you a good example mike um from from my own playing days you know um

when i would get

into we'll just say high stress situations this is especially as i got older i would

never say to

myself i need to score uh what i would say to myself is i'm built for big moments

and i believe

that i i mean i believe that when i played right and i could sense big moments and i

remember

thinking myself i'm built for these moments right and and look i'm not gonna lie to

you people like

I usually have something to do with a big moment in those games, right? So it's a

little bit more

manifestation. I'm built for big moments, or I'm a big moment player, or I'm a

money player is what

we used to say back in the 90s and 2000s, all right? But I never – anytime I was

like, I have to

score, man, that kind of pressure. And by the way, it's like putting blinders on,

right?

There's nothing wrong with having the game-winning assist. There's nothing

wrong with making a

game saving saves or amazing defensive play. You know, and I just think that that's

where you go.

And just on this line, right, I need to score today. You better skate today. You know,

you need to pass today. Any kind of version of that is not good for your kid

because now you're

just singularizing, is that a word, the focus on one thing when this game is not

played that way.

Oh, they said I better skate today. Now you're skating like a maniac, right? And it's

like you're

not going anywhere. Right. We'll talk about that one again in a minute. But go

ahead, Christie. And

if they if the team loses, you know, you worry that the kid might feel like it was all

his fault,

taking on all the mistakes themselves. Oh, that's because I didn't score. We lost

because and now

you're putting that kind of guilt. Oh, I should have scored. If I had scored, then we

would have

won the game. All the mistakes were my fault. That's a lot of heavy stuff to deal

with as a kid.

Especially a young kid. It's a lot to deal with as an older kid, right? And believe me,

the olderkids are already putting that pressure on themselves without your help, parents.

Look, I want to

give a great example because it kind of happened last night. I was coaching a

youth game last

night, and I talked about two things that I hope more coaches would adopt here,

where we as coaches

and parents, you do this all the time in the stands. I'm going to call you out for it.

Yell, skate!

Skate! Skate as hard as you can! Skate! And the truth is, like, yes, the kids

absolutely need to be

skating. Like, don't get me wrong. I always say to my kids, there's a difference

between being in

motion and moving, right? But skating wildly with no thought is not correct.

So what I was telling a kid last night, this is another one about, you know, you

better skate

today, is I was telling the kid, hey, listen, skate hard to the open ice. Find the open

ice.

And I said to him, I talked to him for a few minutes, I said, if you remember

anything I said to

you today. It's look for the open ice and get to the open ice, right? We also talked

about Haley,

our co-host, Haley Scamora, how great she is at skating to the correct places, and

she moves

quickly to those places. There's tactics involved with this skating. Now, I also got

to call out,

like, the lazy skater not back-checking. Yeah, to me, that's a little bit of a different

scenario.

Now you're being lazy. It's not so much the skating, right? So I think we all need to

be a little

more poignant. with when we yell skate hard, what does that mean? Right.

And I also say that to hold the kids this too, like it's not just skating or it's mentally

being

awake and aware. And like, to me, that version of skating hard, right. Make sure

your brains work

in the whole game. That's those are the messages we want to say. I thought, I wish

I said that a

little more succinctly, but, but that's the difference. You know, Mike, I know you

deal with this

all the time. I love it. Shoot, skate, pass. Like these are not great.

These are not great things to be yelling. Well, I mean, and it's just, it's just really

what it

does. Yeah. Forget about the messaging. It's just most of the time, if it's parents

doing it, it's

wrong. Like most of the time, like, like you want, like we talked about this a lot,right. About

it's a big difference between skating hard and, and, but, and, but skating smart.

Like you don't need to get there fast. You got to be quick, but you don't have to be

getting there

fast. Like you can, you can delete, like the game is all about. delay and finding

lanes deception

you know and waiting for layers and like all the things you talk about as a coach

but then if the

only aspect of your child's brain is that when you say when you get the puck you

just gotta go to

the net and score it breaks down all of the other team pieces and i think you know

Christie said it

earlier too like when you're thinking about the disappointment of the player um if

they don't score

It's also the same body language when you see a – Matt, you see it all the time in

players, right,

that the team wins, but they didn't score, and they're upset. Like the team wins,

they didn't accomplish their goal of scoring, and their body language, and they're

just like,

oh, well, I didn't do what I was supposed to do. Well, you won the game,

and that's really the ultimate goal. But it's also, you think about all the different,

like,

is the parent going back and saying, hey, I know you didn't score, but do you know

you were

impactful in these ways? And that's really the message, not, oh, I didn't score, we

won the game

anyway. It's, wow, I didn't get to score, but guess what? My teammates did things

that I wasn't

able to do, but I contributed to all the other pieces. Whether it's a great back

check, a big hit,

a great forecheck, breaking up a play, covering the guy that was open, all those

kind of things.

going to play and i think when we start sending like individual goal setting

messages to a player

in a team sport that you can't control the other team then it really is, it could

become pretty

negative pretty quick. And I do also think, guys, it's a huge mistake to bring up

past mistakes all

the time. Hey, remember what happened last game? Mike, you just mentioned it's

so good to buoy them

by mentioning all the positives. You know, that was a great shot that you took, and

that was

perfect the way that you passed that puck. But bringing up the past mistakes,

remember whathappened last game? I think. That's another one that should be on the list. If you

gave me a top

three, going back to it, if you gave me one in my top three, and I've seen, I can't

believe how

many coaches I've been next to or in the locker room or around in pregame

speeches and parents,

that to me is one of the number one things.

Introducing a negative thought going into a competition, I think,

is one of the worst. I've had coaches say, remember yesterday when that team

beat us 15-1?

Don't worry about that. Forget about that game. That game when you guys didn't

back check well and

you, Lee, gave up so many bad goals. Don't think about that. Don't think about

that.

They had already forgotten about it. You're bringing up a great point, Mike. You're

bringing up a

great point.

I'm going to bring up a series here, all right, of three of these. And you said the key

word.

And this is a word I want coaches and parents to look out for. The word is don't.

You just said it

there. Don't do that. So the problem with don't, and I hope everyone's heard this,

if I tell the whole audience right now, don't think of purple elephants, now you're

thinking of a

purple elephant. Right. The psychology is there. I got to say this, too. Look, I'm

guilty. I'm

wearing purple today. Maybe that's why I said purple. There you go. It's a beautiful

suit.

Christie, so listen, here's a few of the don'ts, okay? Hey, don't turn the puck over.

Don't mess up. Don't be afraid out there. Now you're thinking about fear.

Now you're thinking, you've heard the words, turn the puck over, right? Now you're

hearing mess up.

So the psychology here is now your kid's thinking about those things, right? Don't

turn the puck

over. Don't be afraid. Now they're thinking about fear. Now they're thinking about

turning the puck

over. So nothing should be don't do this. Right. Again, the alternative is the

positive of what you

should do. Right. All right. So so instead of don't mess up, you know, it's make

great decisions

today. Right. Instead of don't turn the puck over. Right. It's make sure you have a

great

possession today. Right. And then the last one was, you know, don't be afraid out

there. Play withconfidence today. Big differences than hearing afraid and hearing confidence.

Don't think about the

bad loss we had last time we played these guys. Like, don't think about that.

That's a horrible

thing to think about. Oh, my God. And all the kids are in there. Oh, yeah. And then

they're

talking. Oh, remember that guy? Oh, that 67? He was unbelievable. He torched us.

Like, so I think this is where, like, that don't. And it's the same thing we teach our

coaches when

we're trying to, you know, help them understand working with players. Like, don't

go off sides as

opposed to. hey, when you go on, when you're going in, remember that if you go in

after the puck,

you know, that's a better strategy than the game of hockey, right? Like, it's all

about the nuance

of how you're speaking to, like, you know, I work with the guys at Ping, right?

It's like, don't hit the post. So what do you do? You hit the post. So that's your

visual,

your singular focus is, oh, I'm going to hit this post. That's a great example. And

that's where,

you know, and we say you hear that about psychologists all the time talking to

pitchers, right?

Like, oh, I got to get this pitch. I can't hit the play. I can't hit the batter. And next

thing you

know, the guy's getting pegged in the head. So it's just one of these things where,

you know, if

you put those positive thoughts in your brain and a coach and a parent, especially

because a

parent, you know, I'll give. I'll give the players a little bit of credit, right? In the

locker

room, they're like, they're not even listening to this guy anyway. They're like,

they're trying to

get ready for the game. But the parent sets the stage. The parent in the car, you

get to the rink,

and you see mom and dad grab their kid right before they go down the hall to the

locker room. And

then all of a sudden, if they lay that little, like, hey, don't be losing pucks today.

Make sure you don't take any bad penalties today. All of a sudden, that kid goes to

the locker room

and all they're thinking about is all the negative pieces. It has an impact. No doubt

about it.

That's why we did that other episode of Things You Should Say.

Again, I'll give you another great example. Again, youth hockey, younger half,

had a defenseman. We had a kid on defense that kept kind of going up on theoffensive side. of the

play too much, right? He was taking himself out of position. So the negative would

have been,

hey, don't rush the puck. Don't rush like that, right? And what I did is I sat the kid

down.

And again, I got to say, I make mistakes on this all the time, folks at home. Like

having the

conversation is how you learn. But I remember I sat him down. I said, hey, buddy,

listen, every

time you're on the ice on defense and they don't score, that's like you scoring a

goal. And I'll

tell you what, his eyes got so wide. Like there was a click moment there. I was like,

really? I was

like, yeah, every time you're out there and they don't score, it's like you're scoring

a goal.

That's how you play defense. Man, he was great the rest of the night. I was like,

that was just

what that kid needed to hear. Doesn't mean every kid will respond to that. All right.

But if I just

said don't rush, now I'm actually stunting him. Because the truth is there are times

to rush the

puck on D, right? I don't want him not to be thinking that way. I just want him to

understand, no,

your primary goal here. is to to play defense first and and that was not a negative

right so just

pay attention parents and and coaches like your message shouldn't be don't do

something and don't

get me wrong i'm not saying there are not times especially the older ages when

you need to coach

and say hey you can't you can't make this play here here's why right uh but like

when mike i love

that example like you're leaving them they're walking hey don't turn it over today

like that's not

what you want to be doing all right

Don't leave the coffee cup there. Instead of, hey, can you put the coffee cup in the

sink? Don't

leave the coffee cup sitting in the middle of the living room. I'm like, oh, I better

bring it to

the sink. Or do what I do. I put a sign on the dishwasher. This dishwasher is

accepting dirty

dishes. Yeah, exactly. And I think, you know, it's such an easy thing to be on the

bench as a coach

and yelling the don'ts. But you as a parent, you should listen. If you're going into

the game andyou're showing up at 930 in the morning and you're dropping your kid off, you

shouldn't be in this

frantic in-game mode anyway. Right. So if you're asking, like, what are things we

can control not

to say? Well, then we can, you know, I mean, I don't know if we've gotten to

strategies here yet,

but. You know, you could think about that going in. And, like, you know you want to

say something

to your kid. Like me, I'm going to say something to my kid. I'm just going to. I'm

like, oh, I got

to say something, you know, because I don't feel like I've, like, set them off. The

same thing when

I drop them off at school. I'm saying something, hey, have a great day today. Be a

great student.

You know, like that kind of stuff. But I'm not saying, hey, don't fail that French test

today.

That's going to affect your life. I'm going to tell the whole audience this, and it's

because of

the show I do this, and this is from that other episode. I tell my kids habitually,

I love you no matter what happens out there, and I love watching you play. I tell

that to them

every time to the point now that they kind of repeat it to me before I say it. I have

no problem

with that because that's what they know I think about. Keep in mind,

I coach them a lot too. We do talk about hockey a lot. It's not like it's all happy

clapping all

the time. All right? But it's like that's what they need to hear. They're going to get

enough from

their coaches. They don't need it from you. All right, let's keep going here. This

next one is one

I love. Hey, coach is really going to be watching you today. Or, hey, scouts may be

watching you

today. Right? Not something the kid needs to hear, especially at evals and tryouts.

They're really going to be watching you today. Yeah, like, no duh, they're going to

be watching you

at the eval or the, you know, like, you know, every game. It just creates evaluation

anxiety

instead of letting them play freely. And again, this is a whole other episode topic.

Your kids have to be able to play freely. I mean, I was just talking this morning to

somebody about

how it's better to give a kid in a situation three. different options then tell them the

correct

option because there is no real correct option in hockey first of all all right and it's

like nothere's three options you choose one now you're teaching them to choose right

when you say the

coach is really watching you today now the kids thinking what does the coach

want me to do all

right and this is where you get mistakes happening all right so yeah don't tell your

kid the coach

is really watching you today again adversely you should be saying hey a lot of

effort today like

make sure make sure you make an impact today It's interesting you mentioned

when the scouts are in

the stands because, of course, we went through that with Sophia and her

teammates.

All the girls knew when the scouts were in the stands. We didn't have to tell them

that. And that

was some of the best hockey I'd ever seen. They all put pressure on themselves

and they really

stepped it out. They don't need your help. They know. And it does. It does kind of

boost them.

All of a sudden, they have talent that we've never seen. It's like, where did that

come from?

Because the scouts were in the stands. You don't have to tell them that. They

know. They know.

And they'll put on a performance like you've never seen just because they know

what it takes to get

notice. And it does. It lends itself to more creative play, too. So don't put that

pressure on

them. They put enough pressure on themselves. Nothing gets a 7 a.m. game up in

the north country

of New York going than a college coach walking in with their jacket on and the

Whispers start going

through the stands, right? But I do think that brings, you know, It really goes back

to,

you know, like setting your child up, right? It goes back to the side of saying, hey,

listen,

we know, you know, that should be a message you can bring in every game.

Like, hey, there's always somebody watching, right? So today's game is not the

game that's going to

put you over the edge. But just remember that you're setting it up that, hey,

anytime you step in

to the rink, you should be performing at a level where if somebody was watching.

what would they

say about your game? And not just today. And so I think there's a way you could

frame it and the

way you could coach it, that if you're going to have those conversations withplayers, it's more

about, like I know when I was coaching, recruiting at the college level, I had to go

see a

practice. Like I couldn't just pick a kid from their game film. Because I wanted to

see what that

player looked like in a lot of times where, you know, maybe they weren't on the

power play all the

time. Maybe their coach was riding them pretty good. Maybe their team, like how

they react with

their teammates. So that's like the same messaging, right? It's like the coach is

always watching

you today. Like, but maybe you don't say, hey, today, by the way, put that in your

brain.

But I think there is a level of coaching your kid to have them understand that if

they're,

and again, these are especially that higher level. of hockey where the games do

matter and there's

scouts and there's film and there's recruitment going on, there is the message

that,

listen, you're going to walk in the rink. Everybody's always watching you. Just be

aware of who

you're going to be today. Yeah. The other version of this, just so we're clear,

is you need to show the coach what you can do. So there's one that the coach is

watching you,

and then there's kind of the other side of it. It's just, oh, show the coach what you

can do. Now,

what's funny about this one, and you're both going to get a laugh about this, is I

have seen –

and I've done this myself in the past where the kid makes an amazing play at an

eval or a tryout or

a game, and the coach isn't now even watching. It's like – and then you get this,

oh, man, he

wasn't even watching me there. And it's just not a good – it's not a good place to

be.

Right. Because it's actually the consistency of good play that gets you noticed.

And, you know,

I think, too, you know, this could change based on the age level. But, you know,

Mike, you can

speak to this, too. You know, a lot of the things what we're looking for as coaches

are not what

you think. Like if your kid makes an unbelievable assist, like we'll probably see

that.

Then you know what I'm looking. You may be getting my radar with that. Seriously,

let's let's takeit there. Maybe I see that. And it's like, OK, well, let me see your skating now. Let

me see how

you're doing on the bench now. Let me see how your shot looks. Let me see how

you break out. Let me

see how you can skate backwards. Now I'm looking at everything. All right? Well,

unfortunately,

that's some of the ways you get cut. Like, you make a great play that's outside of

your normal

play. And all of a sudden, like, oh, I had this kid as an ex. I better watch this kid.

And then you

watch, and you're like, no, I was right. But, I mean, it's just like – but sometimes,

just be a consistent player. that plays your game and does what you normally do.

If you have a highlight or a low light, honestly, if that's making or breaking you in

an individual

tryout, then shame on the evaluator. At the end of the day, it's just understand that

as a parent,

you can't just set the player up for like, hey, today, there's 15 people in the stands

and they're

watching you. And I don't know. That's a hard thing to put on that kid. Well, they're

watching all

of you. And look here, Mike, I can say this too, Christie, and you probably know

this with your

daughter. I think you've told stories of this before. How many times have we gone

to watch someone

and someone else is actually who catches our eye, right? It's not the player we're

looking to

watch. It's somebody else on the ice that's like, well, wow. I remember going to a

college

recruitment thing as a coach to recruit. And there was a kid out there who was.

playmaking like crazy i mean i must have had five or six assists and i remember

thinking i'll never

get that kid just because he's he's he's getting so many assists no one recruited

him but me i

couldn't believe it i just blow my mind i was like nobody saw all these assists all

they saw were

other things um so to mike's point uh this is a two-way road all right we're not

saying that all

evaluators are perfect okay but but that doesn't mean telling your kid hey you

know you don't show

the coach what you can do because Either way, they may not be looking or they

may be looking. They

might not know what they're doing. Just play your game. Herb Brooks, play your

game. Play your

game. Christie, didn't you tell me something with that with Sophia one time thatthey were at a

thing and it was like they noticed her over somebody else? Yes, that absolutely did

happen.

And again, and I think what her dad told her is go out there, enjoy the competition.

Focus on the moment, not the outcome. And that light bulb just went on, and she

went out there,

and she just tore it up. And fortunately, one of the college coaches was in the

stand,

and that's how she got recruited. That's awesome. And he wasn't even looking at

her. He was looking

at another player. But he's like, who's that player? And talked to her after the

game.

Yeah, and that's happened to me as a player, too. Look, I can remember going to a

pro tryout. True

story. And I remember my mind was, I was so happy to be there. Right. I was so

happy to go out

there and compete. And I truly mean that. Like, yeah, there were probably a little

bit of nerves

when I look back on it now in terms of just like normal pregame. Like, oh, this is a

pretty big

moment. But I just love being out there. I stood out. I did. I mean, I did everything I

could.

And I scored. I had assists. I mean, but I was enjoying playing. Right. It was not

fear based.

It was I love where I'm at and I'm working hard here. All right. But that was also the

culmination.

And I got it. I got to give a shout out to my parents. Right. Like that was a

culmination of the

messages I had been receiving for over a decade about how to play this game.

Right. I was I was

very blessed that my father and my mother, God bless her soul, you know, gave me

really good,

positive messages the entire time I played. I don't remember hearing anything

negative from them.

All right. And I did OK in my hockey career. All right. You know, so I have a feeling

that.

And I got to say this, too. They also pushed me when I needed to be pushed. Like I

say, it wasn't

happy clapping all the time. Like if I was not playing great or playing lazy, I heard

some of that,

too. But it was never like, hey, don't play lazy. You know, it was, hey, you're looking

kind of

lazy out there. I think you have a little bit more. Right. That was just the way they

did it.Here's another one for you out there. This one's really kind of for the coaches, too.

Hey,

remember what we practiced. Remember what we practiced. You might be at

home thinking, well,

that's not a bad one to hear, right? Remember what we practiced. It's the method

in which it's

saying. That can trigger overthinking instead of instinct, right? So what I do to

combat this,

because I wish I could say to all of my players, hey, just remember what we

practiced because

that'll help you. Believe me, I wish I could say that. What I do in the locker room is I

will

review what we practiced in question form. again last night coaching the kids

simple stuff kids

what what is this called that's the blue line and what do we not want to do on the

blue line we

don't want to turn it over on the blue line what are three options that you have on

the blue line

raise your hand all right you uh we can skate it over correct you we can hit it off

the boards and

out okay good you we can pass it okay you We can dump it if there's no other

option. Now they're

telling me what I wanted them to remember and they remember it. All right. And,

and nobody said to do a 360 at the blue line. Nobody said that. Nobody said, and

you're funny,

Mike, you're ahead. Well, it's like, look, I'm, I'm a tinkerer. All right. So one of the

things

with coaching, Mike, you'll, you'll, you know, again, this is a whole nother episode

again, but I'm

going to mention it here is I wish, I wish there was one way to coach every kid.

I wish there was one thing I could say that got to every kid. The truth is every kid

learns

differently. Every kid responds differently. Every kid needs to be told things

differently. So I

tinker. And I have with the younger age, I got to make sure I say that. Under 12,

I'm pretty patient with telling kids things over and over and over again. It's on me

to try and say

it a different way, though. All right. Now, if you're over 12, I really should not have

to tell you

things more than two or three times. All right. It's on you at that point to find a way

or to come

to me. and say, hey, coach, listen, I don't learn that way, right? I actually, if you

could show it

to me, I remember, again, Mike, you're making me go on a tangent here, but Iremember as I got

older and really understood how I learned, I was not great at seeing things on a

whiteboard and

then applying them, especially like drills. But I did realize that if I saw someone do

it,

if I watched the drill one time, I could get it really quick. Or if I did the drill one

time, I

would get it down. And I remember telling my coach that, and it was a really good

conversation. And

suddenly he realized, I'm not screwing this up on purpose. I just have a hard time

learning that

way. And I tried. I still try. Now as a coach, when I have to do the whiteboard, it's

funny to be

on the other end of that. But I had to learn how I learn. And once I did that and I

had a good

conversation with my coach, well, now he knew how to coach me a little bit

differently. And he

understood I wasn't doing anything on purpose. So that all comes back to the

remember what we

practice. You've got to find different ways to do it. and just again remember what

we practice now

you're going to think overthinking because it's like well what did we practice what

what what what

did we want to learn about go ahead right and as you said instinct is a really vital

part of that

game so you don't want to take that away from them is that they're in a situation a

game situation

oh wait what did we practice And every second counts.

You can't be overthinking it. Sometimes you just got to use your instinct, too. So,

yeah, practice

is great because then it just becomes part of the game. But there are situations

where they're

going to need to use their instincts, too. So you shouldn't put fear into that.

Speaking of fear,

I think that's another thing that I see a mistake all the time with parents saying,

don't be nervous. And it's just a game. They're minimizing their feelings.

I was always nervous. I still get nervous before I go on the air. And I think that's an

important

feeling. And there's nothing wrong with feeling nervous. Don't minimize that. It

sharpens you up.

It sharpens you up. Yeah. And even telling the kids, oh, it's just a game. Well, to

these kids,

it's everything to them. I don't love that saying. Yeah. I'll tell you, Christie, what I

tell mykids with the nerves, and I found that for everybody listening, I found this to be

very beneficial.

I said, hey, you're nervous because you care. Or you're feeling anxiety because

you care. That's a

good thing. And I'll say, if you weren't feeling this way, that would actually worry

me a little

bit. You're supposed to feel a little bit something before a big game. 100%. 100%.

I hate that phrase. Don't be nervous. Again, don't. Don't.

It's not good to tell your kids to suppress their emotions. You can tell them to

control their

emotions. But not to suppress those emotions. It's okay to have those feelings.

There's nothing

wrong with that. That's part of being human. Here's another tip, Christie. Tell me

what you're

feeling. Sometimes we don't acknowledge them. That's a mistake, too. Tell me

what you're feeling.

I'm scared. Good. Now you've called it out. Again, we're talking younger kids right

now. That's

what being afraid feels like. It's an interesting emotion, right? But you're feeling

that way

because you care. I'll tell older players this too. It's good if you're feeling that way.

I won't

go as in-depth with them as I will with a younger player who's still discovering

different

feelings. Here's another one, Christie. If your kid is nine and they're in their first

championship

game ever, they may have never felt that feeling in their life. You feel it as a parent.

But you've been feeling it. You've been feeling it watching your favorite pro team.

You've been

feeling it when you played sports. You've been feeling it your whole life. If you have

older

siblings, you felt it a million times. They might have never experienced this before.

And it's

confusing and it can shut you down. And then you have someone saying, don't feel

that way. Now you

feel like, hey, I made a mistake, right? Like we got to remember these things. It's

tough as a

parent to put yourself in the position of a kid, even though we all say, you know, I

was a kid once

too. All right. You know, it was a long time ago. I love you brought up that fear

response because,

you know, if you put a kid into a fight or flight response, I mean, now you got a

50-50 chance of

what they might do. But if you encourage the fight response, using that analogy,obviously, I have to say that because it's hockey, right? You know, you can get a

better result out

of them, right? And again, I don't ever want my players playing afraid. So I'm glad

that you

brought that up.

You know, Sorry, just keeping this line of thought going. That don't thing I want to

bring up

again. Just be very careful. And I got to say this to parents and coaches. If you do

say it,

this is a positive. If you say don't do something at the next practice or game and

you remember

this episode and you go, ah, I shouldn't have said that, that's awesome. That's

fantastic. The

awareness of you knowing that is going to make you a better coach, a better

supporter of your

child. All right. Like I wish we could all snap our fingers and just have this stuff

down. But the

truth is this will it'll happen to me again. I'll say don't do a kid at some point just

because I'm

a human being. Right. But I'll remember. Ah, OK. Try not to do that again. All right.

Here's one

more for you all out there. This is on the line of one earlier. Hey, Mike, we really

need to win

today. We really need to win this game today. And if we don't win this game today.

XYZ is going to

happen. If you say that to your kid before a game, we need this win. You've just

put the entire

responsibility and pressure of winning the game on your child. All right? And

nobody,

including the goaltender, deserves that. Don't say to your kid, I'm not talking about

team,

your kid, hey, hey, Johnny, we really need this win today. Thanks, Dad.

Thanks for putting that on me today. Right? Your thoughts on that one, gang. And

when does that

start? Does that start on September 1st? We really need to win this game. We need

to win that. It's

the championship game. Yeah. No, Dad. We need to win this one. This is the game

we need to win?

Oh, you know. God, I can't believe it. I think, and again, it all depends on the age

you're with,

but those messages that you send can put a lot of pressure, and I never think it's

positive

pressure. It's not. It's not like, you know, going in and saying, oh, you know,

thinking about,hey, you know, getting a win today would be awesome. You know, you know, and

think about the way

you're playing. Not that you get not the end of the day. Like if we don't get the win

today, you

know, basically life, as we all know, it is over. And, you know, and that and that

you'll be

disappointed for the rest of your career. I think it's more about like, you know, that

again, these

are these are like messages that if you train yourself as a parent. to what you're

doing now.

Your messaging is the same every game. It's like, hey, I love to watch you play. I

love you,

and I just enjoy watching you. I think it's great to be a part of this journey with you.

There's no message about, hey, you better win today, or today I'm really looking

forward to you

scoring a goal. hey, today's going to be the day where if you don't make some

good passes, we're

going to have a discussion about it on the way home. These are just like, if you can

get yourself

into, just as like us as coaches, you want to have an even keel going into these

events.

There's the understanding that when you watch a John Cooper on the bench in

Game 7 of a Stanley

Cup, his demeanor is the same as it was on the opening night of his season.

And it's because he's the leader. of that group. His, his, his ebbs and flows

resonate through the

bench. If you're a parent, your highs and lows, they affect your kids. Whether you

think it's not,

even when you're not there, it's affecting your kids. That's how connected you are.

Your kids know,

they see you in the stands like, like they see it. And I think those, like those

messages,

verbal, nonverbal, you know, they can feel what's happening.

And I think this is where, you know, that's a really strong message to make sure

that you're not

putting the kids in a place where they're, where, where it's a do or die all the time.

Well,

how about this? You know, can you imagine, we have some fun with this. Can you

imagine if someone

did this to you on the way to work every day? Hey, Christie, try not to screw up on

the telepompter

today. Okay. All right. Do a good job today. All right. Don't screw up. I mean, can

you imagine if

someone said that to you before every Friday? You know, and it's most of it talkingabout the

television analogy. So when we have somebody in the booth boothing us and

they're in our ear.

Yeah. You want someone with a calm demeanor. Right. Because it's everything's

happening.

It's a lot of moving parts when you're live on the air. And if you've got a voice in

your ear.

Yeah. While you're screaming. While you're talking. Just think about that. Yeah.

You'll mess up on

the air. Just like your kid will mess up on the ice if you're that little voice in their

head or in

the stands yelling at them. It can be really chaotic for the kid.

I'm always impressed when you hear like airline operators or 911 operators.

So when they're having a conversation in the craziest. things uh you know uh a a

tower this this

plane has lost all its engines and uh we're gonna actually be taking an emergency

landing doesn't

look like it's gonna be pretty like the the the the way to be professional and keep

calm like you

could as a parent like imagine you just go in saying Hey, listen, this is going to be

an awesome

day today. Let's have some fun out there. I can't wait to watch you play today. Like,

this is

really going to be a great, you know, what a great atmosphere. Look at this ring.

Look at the

music. Look at the, you know, I think about that all the time when your kids get put

in these

places that they've never been into before. And it's really such a calming place

when you can

control that breathing and that emotion and setting them up for the on-ramp in

such a great,

positive way. That's a great analogy. Was it Sully, that movie about the guy who

landed the plane

in the Hudson? Right, the Miracle on Hudson. Right, right. That's right. And it's

like, if you want

that back, what's funny about that film, for anybody who's seen it, is they talk

about how they had

to actually create more controversy than was actually happening. Yeah, more

drama. They had to make

more drama to make the movie more interesting because everyone was so calm.

Oh,

yeah. If you listen back to those 911 things, you would never know what was going

on.

They were a near tragedy. Right. And then, Christie, to your point, just becauseI've been in those

newsrooms, it's a lot more like hockey than people think. You're reading. You're

having to read the

news while someone's in your ear telling you when the next break's coming up.

And then, God help

you, if breaking news happens, then you're going to have to really switch gears

real quick. But,

yeah, think about that, folks at home. When you're going to your job in the car

listening to your

music, can you imagine if someone came on the radio and just said, hey, listen,

your boss is really

going to be watching you today. You really need to impress your boss today. All

right? You're not

going to love that. You're not going to love that. So don't do it to your kids. And

then one more

thing. I just wrote this note down, and I want to say it for the parents. You know,

again,

more younger age hockey right now I'm talking than older age. But when I see a

kid. consistently

come off the ice crying after a mistake, I can put two to two together on that.

He or she is not crying because of the mistake. If that happens once and doesn't

happen again,

that's because they feel bad about what they did. But when I see it consistently, I

know that kid's

getting messaging somewhere that he's failing or she's failing. And I got to say

this.

I never, ever want to see a kid crying. when he's playing or she's playing the game.

And again, look, I'm not talking about getting hit with the puck and I'm not talking

about it's

overtime and the goal went in and it's a one-off situation. I'm talking about like

going off sides

and you're crying or you're not scoring, you're missing the net and you're crying.

Typically to me,

that's a sign of this kid might not be getting the best messages because they're

putting all the

pressure in the world on themselves. Again, I got to say it too. This is not every

single

situation, all right? But I think it's a lot of them. No kid should come off the ice

crying. You

should always be enjoying yourself. And seeing a parent say to the kid when they

come off the ice,

well, where was your head today? Yeah. Oh, man. It breaks my heart. It breaks your

heart.

Yeah. Just zip it. Yeah. No. So, like, we've gone over a lot of these things today. Ithink,

you know, we did say the episode title is top three things. So I think we did some

interesting

things today. I think that we chunked a lot of these together. So one of the three

things is just

not saying don't do this. I think we uncovered that one. Don't mess up.

Don't turn it over. That's one of the three things you've got to be looking out for. I

think

another one is creating the fear response or the impressed response of,

hey, coach is going to be watching you today. The scouts are watching today.

Don't do that.

And I think the number one. is that you need to do X,

Y, you need to skate, you need to score, you need to pass, you need to stay out of

the box. Those

are the three common things. So again, we could say them more specifically, but

that's it.

You need, don't do, someone's watching. Those are the three.

Don't say those things to your kids. And I said at the top of the episode that these

are elusive,

right? Like they might not sound horrible in your mind. Remember what we

practiced is sticking out

like that doesn't sound crazy, but it's not the best thing you could say. Right.

So just something to keep in mind, parents, again, like we're always on this mission

to make sure

that we're better parents, better coaches, better players. And I always say there's

no perfect

parents, no perfect coaches, and there's no perfect players. Right. It's just a

discussion that we

like to have because it's going to teach us. Exactly. And parents listening now.

could be a light bulb moment for you because you're probably very well-

intentioned you might be

thinking i'm motivating my kid i'm educating my kid when you're actually doing the

opposite just be

careful with the words that you choose and fit in the thoughts that you're sharing

with your kid

because you want to be that positive influence and maybe some of the words

some of the tactics

you're choosing are having that opposite effect yeah Yeah. And Christie, you bring

up a really great

point. I'm glad you reminded me to say this. Do not make the mistake of thinking

that how you were

motivated is how your kid will be motivated. All right. Because you and your kid are

growing up in

drastically different environments and different times. All right. I'd also question ifwhat

motivated you actually motivated you, because depending on when you grew up,

there might be

different connotation on that. All of the research today shows that negative

reinforcement is not

having. positive results. All of it. I wish there was other stuff that can show you the

contrary of

that. There's not. That's just, that's today's youth. All right. So remember how you

were motivated

does not necessarily mean that's how your kid's going to be motivated. Mike, the

most positive man

alive. That's the, you know, the most interesting man alive. Mike is the most

positive man alive.

Your final thoughts on this. Don't mess up Mike.

So there are, there are families you're going to run into and they're going to be

dads and moms.

that are doing these things, and their kids are going to be very successful. They're

going to show

high levels of success. They probably are the best player on the ice. They are the

ones that are

going to score when they're supposed to.

We talk about the outliers. That is an outlier. That is not normal.

It's not like an everyday thing. So don't fall into, oh, because so-and-so does it.

I need to do it. You know your own child, but they're going to be, and we see it and

we've heard

about it in our own interviews with professional athletes. We know about the

hardcore parent that's

laying these messages on players, that's driving them to success, and they're

getting away with it.

But what we don't do is we're not looking at the other 98% of the kids that don't

respond to this

or doesn't do them justice. Again, we know they're out there. We see the success.

But again, really be careful of knowing your child and knowing that most children

don't respond to

those type of messages very well. And even if they could, they don't need to. It

doesn't have to be

that way, even if it does work. Both work. Well, that's a great way to end it,

Mike. Tremendous thoughts. Great episode, gang. Like I said, I always love having

these

conversations with you because I feel like we even uncover stuff as we're doing it.

But that's

going to do it for this edition of Our Kids Play Hockey. Remember, if you want to

comment, if you

want to let us know what you think, email us, team at ourkidsplayhockey.com or hitthe link

accompanying this episode in the description. Let us know your name, where

you're at, if you want.

And we love hearing from you. Definitely getting your thoughts. Even if you have a

story about

something like this, send it over. For Christie Casciano-Burns, I'm Mike Bonelli. I'm

Lee Elias.

We'll see you on the next hour of Kids Play Hockey, everybody. Share this episode

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